“I was glad to hear in your letters that you have enjoyed working on projects around the estate. Do you feel more prepared for what awaits you at Ravenswood?” Sidney hated the concern that was in her eyes at the end of the question. He’d been so neglectful as the next in line to be viscount, but no more.
“I do. I’m actually excited about continuing some of Nick’s projects. I’ve learned a lot while I’ve been here from Jonathan and Reid—Fitz and Henry have shared their insights as well. I’ve a handle on the basics of estate management, and I know what to look out for when I meet with my steward at Ravenswood.” He put together a plate of treats for Angeline while she poured out the tea. Once they’d resettled, he knew it was time to broach the more difficult topics.
“I know I’ve shamefully neglected my responsibilities, and I can’t apologize enough for my behavior, but I’m ready to face them now. How is Hazel?”
A warm smile took over Angeline’s beautiful face. “She is doing well. I know she misses her father, but being at Geffen House with the children has been good for her. She needed the support of friends and to feel like a carefree child.”
“Thank you for taking care of her. I’m so ashamed of how I handled everything, Angie. I didn’t want to fall apart on you, but I was so overwhelmed I fell back on old vices to try and forget. I know I neglected Hazel terribly, and I’m so grateful that you were there for her when I wasn’t.” He choked out the last words, trying to hold back his tears at his inexcusable behavior.
“I was happy to be there for her, Sidney. She’s a wonderful child. And I’m sorry if my pulling away made things even more difficult for you to deal with. I never wanted to hurt you the way I did.” Setting down her teacup and saucer, Angeline reached across the gap between their chairs and took his hand. “I need to explain my abrupt absence in the days before our last conversation. This is hard for me to share, so please just listen.”
Sidney nodded, letting her know he would listen and encouraging her to continue. He was just glad that he’d finally understand what happened.
Angeline took in a deep breath and looked at the fire before starting. “We never really had a chance to figure out our relationship before losing Nicholas, and there was an important topic we had yet to discuss before everything fell apart. On the day of the accident, do you remember you took me on a picnic?”
Sidney nodded, recalling how happy he’d been with her. But something else about that day stuck out to him as well.
“Something was bothering you, though. You were distracted, but you said you weren’t ready to talk about it yet, you didn’t know how to explain what you were thinking.”
“That’s right,” Angeline affirmed. “I was trying to figure out how to discuss my inability to have children with you. I wasn’t sure if that would be a deal-breaker for you, and I was also trying to discern my own feelings around the issue.”
“Angie, you know that doesn’t matter to me,” he interjected.
Holding up a hand, she halted him. “Please just listen, Sidney, this is hard for me.” Chagrinned, he gave her a smile and silently mouthed an apology.
“It’s no secret that I never bore Phillip a child after eight years of marriage, but what no one knows is that I did become pregnant several times over the years, but each time I miscarried and lost the child. My body just couldn’t seem to nurture life the way it was supposed to, and it took a toll physically and emotionally.” Sidney ached as she paused to wipe her eyes. He could feel her pain radiating from her as she spoke.
“I’ve never told anyone this, not even Moira, but the last time I was with child was when Phillip died. I hadn’t been positive I was carrying until after he’d passed, and I wanted that child so badly—to be able to hold on to a piece of him forever and perhaps even fulfill the duty of providing his heir.”
Sidney winced and squeezed her hand. He didn’t want to think about the heir issue, as it was what currently kept them apart. But hearing her full story now, though he’d suspected at least some of it, made him realize how weighty of a topic this was for her, and how heavy the burden she’d been carrying.
“But it was not to be. About a month after Phillip’s passing, I began to bleed, but it was different from before. Part of me has always wondered if my grief played a part . . . I don’t know. I became extremely ill, and an infection set in. When I recovered, the midwife told me that a future pregnancy could prove fatal, and I shouldn’t try to have children again.”
“Angie, I’m so sorry.” Sidney didn’t know what to say. Her sorrow permeated the room, and he wanted to hold her and take away the pain.
Offering him a watery smile, she stood and paced in front of the fire. “I grieved at the news, but because Phillip was gone, there was no reason for me to ever become pregnant again, so I didn’t fully process as I should have. Then you showed up in my life again, and I was so happy, Sidney. You made me hopeful for a future I’d long since buried away in my despair. But that hope raised feelings and realities I had long ago buried and needed to process. With a new relationship came the possibility that I could become with child again, and I had to make a choice to deny something that I wanted so desperately. I was at war with myself and didn’t know how to discuss it with you.”
Sidney suddenly saw what had happened clearly and gasped as the pieces fell into place. Angeline turned from the fire to look at him, her brow raised in question. “And then we made love, and I carelessly spent inside you . . .,” he said, horrified at the possible consequences of his actions that night.
“Yes. I don’t want you to think for a moment that I’m not happy that we were able to share ourselves completely. But we’d never discussed any precautions beforehand. I returned to Geffen House and hid until my menses started a few days later. I’m sorry that I left you when you were so vulnerable, Sidney, I’ll never forgive myself for that. But I panicked.”
Angeline dashed her eyes again as she sat down, breaking his heart. He couldn’t believe that he’d put her in such a situation. “I’m so sorry, Angie, I didn’t know. But I should have been more responsible regardless.”
“Yes, but I hadn’t told you any of this, so you’re not entirely to blame. Regardless, I was terrified. I knew it could be dangerous for me to fall pregnant again, yet a part of me hoped I was. That I could provide you with an heir after all and wouldn’t have to leave you and break your heart. It’s the hardest thing in the world to wish against the very thing you most desire. I wanted to marry you and be a mother, but I also knew my body would not be able to handle it. So I panicked and fled, and for that I am so sorry.”
Watching Angeline relive the turmoil she had been in for those few days broke Sidney, and he didn’t know what to do.
* * *
Angeline watched Sidney try to process everything she shared with him. A variety of emotions crossed his face as he came to terms with what she had dealt with regarding children over the years and the feelings her recent scare had stirred.
“I’m so sorry, Angie. I should have been there for you. I should have gone to you when I suspected something was wrong,” Sidney finally said. “I’m relieved to finally understand why you left. I was afraid I had done something to upset you when we made love. I guess in a way I did, with my thoughtlessness, but I was scared I might have taken advantage of you or hurt you in some way.”
“Sidney, no.” Angeline was horrified to think Sidney had been living with that fear all this time. “I’m so sorry you thought that for even a second. I should have explained myself earlier.”
Now that she’d had time to reflect on her time with Sidney without the fear of a possible pregnancy, Angeline was glad they’d had the opportunity to be together. She often relived the experience fondly, remembering how gently he had touched her, as if she was the most precious thing in the world to him. And she had felt how deeply he cared for her through the sheer passion of his kisses. She would hold the memory of that night with her forever.
“I didn’t exactly provide a good opportunity for you to explain. I was a mess and in no state to discuss such a delicate matter.” Sidney reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “I don’t know if I could have heard what you needed me to. I’m just sorry I put you in such a precarious position, though I don’t regret being with you.”
