The next morning, Sidney set out for Geffen House and saw that Angeline was already waiting for him at the edge of the wood. Seeing her again after so long soothed him. Even from a distance, her beautiful auburn hair stood out against the bare trees. She seemed to be pacing, and Sidney wondered if she was nervous. While Angeline had come to him of her own volition in Dorset and received him warmly yesterday, he noticed she was rather quiet during tea, and he’d felt her eyes on him the entire time.
As Sidney grew closer, Angeline became aware of him approaching and stopped moving, waiting patiently for him to reach her. “Good morning, Sidney. How was your evening with Hazel? Was she alright to be back?” Brow furrowed, her concern for the girl was admirable.
“We got along well,” he answered. “She’s currently getting to know the new governess I hired, and it seemed they were getting on well when I left.”
A smile broke out on her beautiful face at the news. “Good. I knew the two of you would do well together once you had a little time.” Dropping his head in shame at her observation, she quickly clarified, “Oh, no. Sidney, I didn’t mean that as an admonishment. I only meant to say that I’m glad your relationship still seems easy. You know she has always loved you.”
“It’s alright, you don’t have to be cautious in what you say around me. I’m not prickly about anything, I promise. Just still working through my guilt at neglecting her when she needed love and support the most. I know I’ve said this already, but I will never be able to thank you properly for being there for her when I couldn’t be.”
“It was my pleasure to be with her, Sidney. You don’t need to thank me for that. I was happy to support both of you however I could. I still am.” Angeline spoke sincerely, and Sidney accepted what she offered.
“Should we walk?” he asked. “It’s cold out, moving will help us stay warm.” Angeline nodded and gladly took the arm he offered.
“Thank you for your letters. I don’t think I expressed that the other day,” Angeline said after a moment. “I enjoyed hearing what you were doing around the estate, and it was good to hear you sound like yourself again.”
“I’m glad you liked them. In a way writing them was therapeutic. Another way to process what I was doing and how it made me feel.”
“I’m sorry I never responded. It’s not that I didn’t want to, I was just unsure what to say. I was still coming to understand what I was feeling and didn’t want to say the wrong thing, possibly causing even more hurt, before we’d had a chance to talk in person.”
Sidney laughed and Angeline looked at him quizzically. “That’s what you said to me before we began all this. When you first realized I had feelings for you after that terrible dinner. You said you didn’t know how to proceed and you didn’t want to hurt me because you suspected I was in love with you.”
“But I did end up hurting you, and I’m so sorry for that, Sidney.” Angeline’s eyes filled with tears, so he stopped walking and turned toward her. “Did I do this to you, Sidney?”
“Oh, Angie. No.” He gathered her in his arms and hugged her as tightly as he could. “You did nothing wrong. It wasn’t you that hurt me, but the situation. I know you didn’t reject me, circumstances just forced us apart.” He pulled back to look at her. “In my anger and confusion, I know I said some things that may have made it seem like I blamed you, but I don’t, not for a second. I was desperately looking for a way to keep us together and, if anything, I blame society’s fixation on securing a family line.”
She turned away from him and said, “But it’s my failing, my body’s inability to do what it’s supposed to.” Sidney didn’t know what to say to that to make her feel better.
“Angie, you have done nothing wrong, please believe that.” He tentatively lifted a hand to her cheek where a stray tear had escaped and thumbed it away. “As for thinking you are what put me over the edge—I was already there. Drink has always been what I turned to in times of weakness. I’m ashamed to admit it, but it’s true. When I can’t handle a situation, I want to feel numb and not deal with it at all. I let it get out of hand this time. When you told me you wouldn’t be with me in that state even if we could be together, I’d never felt so low. But I’m grateful you helped me remember what really mattered.” She was silent but gave a nod.
“I’m glad to hear Lady Effie is out of the picture and you won’t be forced to marry her. I know you will eventually find a good woman to marry.”
What Sidney didn’t tell her was that he still very much intended for Angeline to be that woman if at all possible. He would never marry if unable to convince her. But it wasn’t the time for that conversation yet. He needed to start by being her friend again and rebuilding the trust between them.
“I meant it when I said that I can’t imagine my life without your friendship, Angie. I would love for you to spend some time with Hazel and me in the next few weeks before I leave for London. We’ll muddle through and find a new way to be with one another.”
Offering him a small but genuine smile, she said, “I’d like that, Sidney.”
True to her word, Angeline came to Ravenswood almost every day. They played and explored with Hazel together, and Angeline would listen to Sidney’s plans for the estate when the sweet girl was at her studies. Now that Sidney was sober and the fog of his grief was lifting, Angeline was warming up to him again. Within only a few days, the ease they had always had with one another returned.
Though it was cold that winter, it had been relatively dry, and they would often go for walks to escape the confines of the house. Sidney only wished there were more time before he had to leave. But thankfully Kent was only a county away from London and he could visit the girls regularly until Angeline arrived in town for the upcoming season.
Out walking with Angeline the day before his departure, Sidney never wanted it to end. He thought things were well between them, but he remained cautious. He desired to be closer to her; all he wanted was to kiss her and feel her skin against his again. Though the day had been sullied by the surrounding events, Sidney still treasured the memory of their night together. He’d never felt so connected to anyone in his life, and he prayed he would have the opportunity to experience it again someday. Knowing at this juncture a kiss would not be welcome, he instead asked, “May I hold your hand?”
Angeline was surprised by his request, but silently held out her hand. It was an innocent gesture, such a simple touch, but it meant everything to him. She was once again opening herself up, giving him her trust. “May I write to you from London?”
“Of course,” Angeline answered, “but will you have the time for it?”
“I’ll make the time,” Sidney said.
They both noticed a footman approaching, and Sidney worried something was wrong. Bowing, the footman said, “Pardon the interruption, my lord. A note has arrived from Mr. Stanton, and you asked to be immediately alerted of any word from him.”
“Yes, thank you,” Sidney said, taking the note. Reading it over, he turned to Angeline. “I’m so sorry, but something important has come up and I’ll need to make another stop before London. I’m afraid I’ll need to leave now.”
CHAPTER35
Sidney arrived at the London address Stanton had provided him just hours after receiving the note. He’d ridden furiously, not even taking time to pack as he knew his valet would follow him with all he needed.
Now at his destination, he felt anxious and wasn’t sure of the best way to proceed. His entire future might be determined by how this meeting went.
