“I truly didn’t mind at the time. It did not feel like a burden to help someone I loved. I won’t pretend it was an easy life—I was a caretaker for almost five years, and there is a large emotional toll seeing someone who means so much to you suffering. Going through an experience like that changes you . . .” Elise stopped to compose herself as the feelings of overwhelming helplessness from that time returned to her.
“After the mourning period had passed and I started to join social events again, it all just felt so insipid and frivolous. Nothing that people were gossiping about really mattered in the face of life and death that had been my reality for so long. I had a hard time relating to the things other young women seemed to care about, so I always felt separate, like I didn’t belong.” Elise wasn’t sure if she was explaining well how on the edge of everything she had always felt, but she knew returning to that realm would not be easy regardless of her ruined status.
“I think I understand that, and why you may not wish to return to such a space, especially after they turned on you for no real reason,” Reid said, examining her intently. “My father alienated me for so long that I never felt like I had a place either. It wasn’t until joining the army that I felt accepted . . . but I wasn’t able to keep going in that life after my injuries forced me out. Now I’m a peer who holds political views that keep him on the fringes. And here on the estate, as much as it’s beginning to feel like home, I’m the lord. All the men and women whom I work with here will always set me apart and I’ll never really be able to be one of them, no matter how many harvests I may work alongside them.”
“I feel that same way,” Elise said quietly.
“I know you do,” Reid affirmed. “I’ve observed that as much as these people love you, they still see you as different because you were raised as a lady.” Reaching over, he took one of her hands in his. “That’s why I think it could work between us,” Reid whispered. She felt her heart rate increase, her breaths quickening, waiting for how he would explain his way of thinking to her. “We’ve both been outsiders, and in some ways, we still are. We need a place to belong—so let us belong to each other. We can create our own home and make our own rules. What anyone else thinks won’t matter, because we will always have each other.”
“It’s a beautiful picture you paint,” Elise said after a weighty silence between them. “I’d like to join you and live in that picture, but I’m not sure how realistic it is. We can’t exist in isolation. You depend on the good opinion of others to make your political dreams a reality. You are already facing enough challenges and I don’t want to become another one.”
Sighing, Reid said, “I understand you think you are looking out for my best interests, but what if having you in my life would mean more to me than passing some bill through Parliament? You’ve helped me see that I can find meaning outside the walls of Westminster; that there is purpose and good in the work I do here on the estate. There are multiple parts of my life Elise, and you seem to be considering only one of them.”
“I don’t want you to end up resenting me,” she said, voicing one of her greatest fears. “I’m not sure I’m ready to give up the life I’ve created for myself here.”
Elise wanted to pull her hair out, they were back at the same impasse from when they started, and she did not see a way around it.
“I won’t pretend that your life won’t change.” That Reid was also frustrated was evident as he scrubbed his face before running his fingers through his hair. “Yes, I will need to be in London while Parliament is in session, and I would like to have you with me. But the rest of the year will be here. You already live on the estate; you would just live at Cliff House rather than the dower house. You could still cultivate and tend your gardens there—Jonathan and Evie could stay to run the place. You can help the tenants with the vegetable garden we’ll create for them, and I would never ask you to stop your clinics just because others might not see it as appropriate work for a countess. Hang them,” he said with a growl. “I want you as you are. Can’t you see how precious you’ve become to me?”
His final question came out as a plea, and Elise was having a hard time resisting. “I care about you too, Reid,” she said, eyes growing damp. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you have come to know me as the woman I am now. I think you do truly understand who I am, and that’s why it’s so frustrating that you can’t see this from my perspective.”
Huffing out a breath in exasperation, Reid walked over to the fireplace and braced his tall frame against the mantel, standing there for a minute before turning to face her. “I know you’re scared, but I’ve seen your strength and how far it’s gotten you, so why can’t you believe in the strength ofus?” He paused, yearning in his eyes. “I’ve fallen in love with you, Elise,” he said clearly, saying those precious words for the first time. “That’s not going to change. If you find the strength to fight for us, I’ll be here. But until then, I need some space . . . It’s just too hard being near you when I want so much more.” Walking over, Reid kissed the top of her head before quickly striding out, leaving her alone in the library.
Once he left, Elise stopped trying to restrain her feelings and fell forward, sobs wracking her body.
CHAPTER23
Reid made his way to the back porch and breathed in a lungful of the cold air. He needed to cool himself down after the heated exchange with Elise. Knowing he had behaved like a selfish ass by pushing her away at the end, it hurt too much to try and pretend he felt nothing more than friendship for her any longer. He hadn’t intended to tell her that he had fallen in love with her that way, almost using the words as weapons, but his frustration got the best of him. Hearing the door open behind him, he swung around to see Sidney peering out.
“There you are,” the golden redhead said. “We were wondering where you had wandered off to. Are you ready to start working again?”
Reid laughed at the reality that working on his passion project was the last thing he wanted to do at the moment. “I don’t think I can focus right now,” he told Sidney honestly. “I need some space to clear my head for a bit. I think I’m going to walk down to the coast—you can continue without me if you would like.”
Sidney looked at him as if he’d grown a second head. “Are you alright?” he asked. “What happened?”
“I just had it out with Elise, and I think I may have driven her away,” Reid said, sighing. Sidney looked at him sympathetically, still hanging from the door. “Stay inside where it’s warm,” he told him. “I’ll be back after I walk off some of this agitation.” He needed to move—he was so amped up currently it felt like his skin was crawling.
“Do you want company?” Sidney offered. “We don’t have to say a word if you don’t want to, but sometimes it’s nice to not be alone when you aren’t feeling like yourself.”
Sidney was a surprise sometimes with how observant he could be. While he was the one who normally joked around, he was a sensitive soul at heart and could be a good companion when one was feeling low. “Yeah, that might be nice,” Reid said. Grabbing their coats, the two men set off.
Being November, the sun set early these days so they couldn’t stay out long. Reid didn’t need too much time, just space to breath and forget that Elise not trusting her own strength was breaking his heart.
Once they made it down to the beach, both men stopped to look out at the surf. After a few moments of silence, taking in the waves as they ceaselessly and rhythmically rolled in, Sidney stepped away and began to scan the stretch of beach. Every once and a while he would bend over and pick something up. After about ten minutes of wandering, he made his way back towards Reid, both hands full with his collection. Without saying a word, Sidney held out a fist, and when Reid reached out for whatever he held, a handful of flat rocks was deposited in his own hand. Both men skipped stones across the water in silence, and Reid found the physical act of tossing the rocks to be soothing to his still riled nerves.
Once his stones had all been returned to the ocean, Reid brushed off his hands and turned, walking further down the coastline. Sidney chucked his final stone, then jogged to catch up with him.
“I just never expected to feel like this,” Reid said, finally opening up. Sidney nodded while remaining quiet, seeming to understand that he needed to let it all out. “I always knew that eventually I would get married, and I was even looking forward to it in a way. The idea of someone looking out for you and always having your back—and children, it was always an appealing thought. But you know how mosttonmarriages are, they’re arrangements. Love isn’t part of the calculation when assessing possible matches, and you hope for the best in the partner you choose.”
Reid sucked in a breath before continuing his rambling, processing as he thought out loud. “Then I became friends with Fitz and saw the kind of marriage he had with Moira. Their relationship was like nothing I’d ever seen, and I thought it was an anomaly. But last summer, I watched as Henry fell for Grace. I began to understand that maybe there was another type of relationship I could aim for, one that was based on a foundation of love. But I never really believed I might find it for myself.”
“You started to hope though,” Sidney stated.
“Yes.” Reid admitted. “From the very start, Elise was so different. She has this inner strength and is not afraid to live on her own terms. She’s bright and intelligent, and she gives so much to the people around her. We grew close quickly due to unfortunate circumstances, bonding through the heightened emotions of shared grief. I know she cares and is as attracted to me as I am to her, but she beleives there can’t be a future for us because of her status as a ruined woman. She won’t accept that I could give a damn about her standing within theton.”
“Youdon’t care Reid, but others will,” Sidney said. “You can’t dismiss her concerns.”
“I’m not—I fully realize there will be blow back. She’s worried it will hinder my influence in trying to push the Whig agenda, but I’ve assured her my desire to be with her far outweighs any political achievement.”
