By the time I got my laptop set up and connected to the TV so we could watch on the big screen, Sawyer had popped the popcorn and rummaged in the fridge. Finding a couple of beers, he brought those out with the popcorn and sat down next to me on the couch. Our thighs brushed we were so close, and already my cock was throbbing at the idea of watching porn with Sawyer.
“Okay, this is me and a guy named Ivan. He’s not around anymore either.”
“What happened to him?”
“Oh, nothing bad. He graduated from university and got his dream job. For a lot of guys, this career is a means to an end. A way to pay for the opportunities they’d never get otherwise. Anyway…” I hit play on the laptop and then took one of the beers Sawyer brought and cracked it open.
The scene started with Ivan and me on the bed, his arm around me as we did the pre-scene interview. “Ivan and I had never worked together before this, and we haven’t since. I don’t know that I’ve even talked to him since this scene wrapped up.”
“You’re not friends with all the people you film with?” Sawyer asked, obviously he’d had some preconceived notions.
“God, no. Some of the people I’ve filmed with, I didn’t even like. Especially when I was younger. It got better when I was out on my own, making my own decisions, but I still had to shoot with people I didn't mesh well with from time to time.”
“Why?”
“Obligation, to start with. You can’t just cancel a scene because you think the guy is a bit of a choad. You’d never make any money that way. Money is reason number two. You suck it up and do your job because the fans are expecting you to and fans are your bread and butter in this industry.”
Sawyer watched us go in for that first clumsy kiss. Ivan and I had shared a laugh over that, and even when the initial awkwardness faded away, it was clear that this was far different than two guys having sex just for fun. Ivan had trouble performing that day, and we paused the shoot while we waited for his magic pill to kick in. When we resumed, things went a bit smoother, but Sawyer got to see firsthand the scene changes. The moving of the cameras to get a different shot. The way Ivan or I had to slightly alter our positions so the camera got a good view.
I hadn’t seen this footage in a long time, and the thing that stood out to me, as I sat there next to Sawyer and watched it, was that I was having more fun with Sawyer than I’d had filming this scene.
“It wasn’t fun anymore,” I said, making Sawyer look at me.
“Pardon?”
“Performing. It wasn’t fun anymore. I think maybe it hadn’t ever been fun for me.”
“I know.” Sawyer’s words took my breath away. “You got into the business because you were young and it was offered up as a way to get out of your current situation. When you started your career, it was because you were prey.”
“I was an adult. I made my choices.”
“Did you think you had other ones available to you?” Sawyer reached over and hit a key on my laptop, pausing the footage. “I don’t think that you knew that there were other things you could’ve done to change your situation.”
“With all due respect, you don’t know what it’s like to be poor. You don’t know what it’s like to not know how you’re going to survive from one day to the next. I was offered a lifeline. It wasn’t paradise. It was its own kind of hell, but at the time, it was the only decision I could’ve made. I’d make it again. Knowing what I know. Going through what I’ve gone through.” I hadn’t meant to sound as angry as I did, or a short, and by the time I was done, Sawyer’s face was pale and he looked remorseful.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I just… I hate some of the shit you went through. The idealist in me wants there to have been a better choice for you. I’m sorry there wasn’t.” He let out a sigh and leaned against the back of the couch. He closed his eyes, and I watched the rise and fall of his chest. It was like watching my heart beat outside of my chest.
A thought crossed my mind then. Maybe a bad one. Sawyer might hate it, but there was no way for me to know for sure unless I asked. Today had already been so fucking upside down and backwards, though. It had started off wonderful, then veered swiftly into bullshit and now I was trying to get us back on track.
“What?” Sawyer asked. “You’re looking at me weird.”
“I had an idea. It might be a terrible idea.”
Sawyer let out a weak laugh. “My brother was once dared by his best friend to walk through the house naked. So of course he did, but what he didn’t know was that our grandparents had arrived while they were upstairs.Thatwas a terrible idea.”
“Well, this would involve some nudity.”
Sawyer glanced at me. “I’m listening.”
“You’d have to trust me.” I wiped my suddenly sweaty palms on my thighs.
“I trust you.”
Sawyer’s simple statement knocked me sideways.
“What if… hear me out.” I took another breath. “What if I set up a camera or two and filmed with you? So you can see the real difference. Because this”—I motioned to the television—“is all bullshit. You and I are the real thing, Sawyer. And maybe you don’t believe it because you haven’t seen it.” I also wanted him to see how beautiful he was. He’d brought up the physiques of the guys who did porn, and yeah, they were good looking. But Sawyer was beautiful. He was real and honest and earnest. Soft and caring. Intelligent. He was everything I’d always dreamed of having in a partner.
“You don’t see how amazing you are, do you?” I asked him.
