“I’m good. This is my boyfriend, Connor.” I introduce them and they shakehands.
“Please have a seat.” He sits down behind a dark brown desk covered in family photos. “I know you heard about the study. We’re heartbroken as well. I looked at your last scans, and so far things seemed to be working well foryou.”
“But?” I blurt, not in the mood forsugarcoating.
“Yes, there’s always a but. I’m so sorry, Mackenzie. I really think you should try radiation and chemo. Thatwill—”
“Make me super sick, and I’ll stilldie.”
“Yes, but it could give you more time,” heargues.
“How much more?” Connorasks.
“A few months to a few years, if we’relucky.”
Connor straightens, almostexcited.
I point out, “But the way it’s wrapped around my brain, those few months could be awful for me, making me someone else completely,right?”
My doctor nods. “That is true. It’s unknown how those pieces we couldn’t get during surgery will react with yourbrain.”
“Then it’s not worth the risk to me,” I say, jawtrembling.
“But, baby, if we get a few more months….” Connor reaches for my hand, trying to convinceme.
“I’m not going through chemo and radiation, leaving me so sick I can’t enjoy these last few months of my life. I won’t do it.” I hate seeing the sadness he’s trying to hide, but it would be even worse if he had to sit next to my hospital bed day and night watching mestruggle.
“So what’s our timeline then, Doc?” Connorsays.
He sits back in his chair, defeated. “It all depends on the growth. Thankfully, there’s been none since your surgery. It makes me sick to think the study might have been working, keeping the tumor from growing. The laser might have bought you a few months. But until we know if it was your body fighting it or the laser, I won’t be able to give you a better timeframe. For now though, I’ll stick with the original year to fifteenmonths.”
“Okay then, let’s make this one kick-ass year,” Connor says, looking at me and smiling through the heart I can visibly see crushed on hissleeve.
* * *
Connor
IdroppedMackenzie off at home before heading back to work. I felt bad leaving her, but I needed to re-group, even though it left a tinge of guilt in my gut. I don’t want her to see my emotions and how I’m handling itall.
Everything is happening so fast and knowing it will end brings an awful uncertainty to mystomach.
Sitting at my desk, my mind is everywhere but on my work. After an hour of staring at the same briefing, I finally pick up my phone, calling the one person who will understand my thoughts. The one person I had to listen to when his girlfriend lefthim.
“What’s up, bro?” Alan says, like we’re right back to our friendship and nothing everhappened.
“Life. How did I become you?” I hope he gets that this phone call is about Mackenzieagain.
He laughs. “Paybacks are a bitch,maybe?”
“Very funny, asshole,” I spit back, knowing he’s just teasingme.
“Meet me for drinks after work. I’ll hold your hand,” he taunts meagain.
“I was never this mean toyou.”
“Um, yes, actually you were. I’ll see youthen.”
He hangs up, and for the next few hours, I attempt to read three fuckingpages.
