“Yes, that’s my favorite thing about you, knowing you’ve loved me for almost your entire life. I forgot how much you used to stalkme.”
“Ha. Ha. Ha,” Ideadpan.
He pulls the tent out of the trunk before leaning over to kiss my cheek. “During college I came here a lot to escape, study, and just be alone. This is my spot, and I’m excited to share it withyou.”
He sets me up with a chair and a beer while he builds our campsite. Watching him work warms myheart.
He starts a fire and produces hotdogs and a couple of long metal sticks. He hands me one and I look at him,confused.
“Yes, we’re having hotdogs, and you’re going to cook it over the fire,” he says, answering my unaskedquestion.
“You can do that?” Ilaugh.
“Oh man, you’re too much. Yes, you can cook over an open fire. What do you think people did beforekitchens?”
“They weren’t cooking hotdogs from a package, I can guarantee youthat.”
He punches the stick through a hotdog and hands it to me. “Touché.” We each hold one over the fire, rotating it every fewminutes.
Surprisingly, cooking them over the flame made them taste good. I was amazed at the difference. Or maybe it’s just the entire experience, yet another first that I never even thought to put on mylist.
After dinner the skies turn dark quickly, and Connor lays blankets in front of the fire so we can curl up together. Lying on his chest, I stare into the fire for what seems like hours. The dancing flames mesmerize me with the blue to orange to redhues.
My mind clears as the wood continues to burn. Every worry, every heartbreak I’ve felt in the last few months seems to burn right along with it. This is life, this fire. Building slowly until it slowly fades away, releasing into theair.
Suddenly I’m not afraid to speak my mind any more. This is my slow burn; my build of pressure until my own release comes, and I need to take full advantage, knowing my peak is just around thecorner.
I open his hand while I open my heart. “There was one thing I didn’t put on my list, because I knew it would never be possible,” I barely whisper, breaking the comfortablesilence.
He holds me a little tighter. “What’sthat?”
“I want to be a mom. I want to experience the unconditional love that only a mother and their childhave.”
He doesn’t tense or flinch, but he stays silent, so I continue, hoping I didn’t just ruin our nighttogether.
“I’m not saying I want you to get me pregnant or anything. That’s crazy, knowing I won’t be around. I’m just letting you in on my thoughts, that’s all.” I turn around to face him when he stays silent. “I’m serious. I’m not asking you for that. I’m just sharing what’s going on inside of my head. Please don’t freakout.”
“I’m not freaked out,” he says. “I’m sad, that’s all. It’s not fair you won’t be able to experience everything life has tooffer.”
I let out a sigh of relief and lay down again. “I’m getting used to it. I have you. This. It’s making the sting a little more easy tobear.”
My gaze turns back to the fire, while my head falls against his chest. A single tear slips from my eye that I let fallfreely.
18
Dear Diary,
How comeno one realizes that even if I die early, I don’t want to spend my last months sick? Is that really such a bizarre thought? What kind of life is it, undergoing radiation and chemo, and feeling like crap for months, when you know there’s no cure? If I had a fighting chance, sure, why not, but I don’t. I just want people to realize that too, so they stop holding out hope when there is none. I hate to be so blunt but it is what it is. I want to be happy as long as I can. Is that too much toask?
Mackenzie
Mackenzie
“Thank you for going with me,”I say, holding Connor’s hand as we enter the doctor’soffice.
Since the trial is over, they wanted to meet with me to go over my options. Really this appointment is to tell me how much longer until I’m going todie.
“How are you, my dear?” Doctor Shawsays.
