And then he’s gone, striding away into the deepening twilight. I finish my plate, then set it aside. I scrub my hands over my face, rub them together. Anxiety is coursing through me like I’ve been zapped by a livewire.
“Fuck it,” I huff, taking the envelope out of my pocket and ripping the seal open. I hate how much my hands are trembling as I pull the letter out and unfold it. My heart beats triple time as I see my dads handwriting filling the page. There’s no date on it. Scrubbing one hand over my heavily bewhiskered jaw, I start to read.
Son,
There comes a time in every man's life where he starts to reflect on the choices he’s made and what path those choices led him down. After thinking on this for several months, I figured it's high time to put my rambling old man thoughts down in the hopes that maybe my choices can help you along the way.
I don’t worry about Zach or Joel the way I worry about you. Zach has Brittanee and the babies to round his life out, and Joel is still young. He might be kind of a loose cannon, but I think he’ll be figuring out his own ways soon enough. Although, don’t tell Zach I say so, I’ve never really been a fan of that wife of his. Or maybe I just don’t know her all that well and she’ll prove me wrong.
I can’t tell you how proud I am of you boys following in my boots in your own ways. Fighting fire is in our blood, it’s in our hearts. It’s who we are. And I’m damn proud of all of my boys for making the decision to be a part of this profession. You’ve proven yourself these last years as a ‘shot, and this old man can admit to getting emotional when I think about you taking over as Sup here soon. You’ve made one helluva squaddie and a cap, and Ican’t wait to see what you can do with this crew as Sup leading them. You’re fair, honest, a damn hard worker, as well as a good man. You’ve always had a level head on your shoulders, son. Thinking ahead, planning. Watching.
But that brings me to what I really want to talk to you about, and as you well know, I’ve never been a man big on sharing feelings and all that mushy shit. I can only hope you boys always knew how much I loved you and always will. I might not have said it often enough, but I hope you knew anyway. I didn’t take the time or the effort necessary to love your momma the way she needed, and it cost me the love of my life. Walking away from her, losing her, is my only regret in this life. I let the love I have for this job, the duty I feel to keep going overshadow the love I have for her and it cost me in spades, son. She asked me to stay and I walked away because I was too fucking proud to admit I needed her more than I needed to breathe, and that scared the hell out of me.
Now, I see the way you watch someone, and it reminds me a lot of the way I imagine I used to look at your mom. Like she was the sun and I was the fool that couldn’t stopstaring at her even if it killed me. I see it, even if no one else does.
So, if there is only one piece of advice you ever take from your old man, let it be this, Xander; If you have the chance to have that kind of love in your life, hold onto it. Hold onto it with both hands, fiercely, and don’t let your pride or some misplaced sense of duty to this job keep you from it. You choose her, every time, son. Don’t make the same mistakes as your old man. I found the love of my life and I squandered it to chase fire. And I’ve lived the last thirty years knowing my heart was beating halfway across the country with a woman that I didn’t cherish the way I promised to.
Don’t lose that, if you get the chance to have it. Promise me you won’t let that kind of love slip through your hands. We’re never really worthy of women like that, but we can try with every damn breath in our lungs to love them the way they deserve. So if she ever comes to you and asks you to choose her, and she will, if she loves you like I’m sure she will, you do it. Without question. Without hesitation. Because I promise you, you don’t want to get to be my age and realize you lost the best thing in your life.
Don’t let yourself get so comfortable inthis life that you miss out on something great, son.
~Dad
I must read through it three times from start to finish before letting my hand drop between my knees. I squeeze my eyes shut, fighting like hell to keep the sting of tears at bay.
Pinching the bridge of my nose, I swipe at the tears that gather at the corner of my eyes. Fuck, I miss this man.
But as I sit here, I realize I miss someone else far more. I miss Teddy with every fiber of my being. I’m not whole without her. Without Dalton and Penny and Bea. I need them, so fucking much. I love them, fiercely.
Pushing to my feet, I stride over to Cal and clap him on the back. I know what I need to do, and for the first time, I have not one single fucking doubt in my mind that I’m doing the right thing.
“We need to talk,” I say gruffly, and he nods.
Because I’m going to choose that woman every damn time.
The leaves have already started to turn colors, and Xander still isn’t back.
They’ve been gone over a month, and I’m going crazy waiting for him to come home. I have so much to tell him. I’ve considered reaching out to him, to call or text, but fear that I ruined everything by not telling him how I feel keeps me from doing it. Besides, he deserves to hear it in person.
The kids miss him terribly, and I keep telling them that he will be home soon, before they even know it. I just hope that I’m right. I know normally they get mandated breaks from these big fires, but I also know Xander and his team; they will have not followed those orders and stayed to help.
Because these men are some of the bravest and most honorable that I know.
When my phone rings, I pick it up off the counter and answer Scottie’s call. “Hey?—”
“They’re home. They just got back to base and are unloading,” she says in a rush, and my entire body goes still. “I’m sorry, Cal told me not to tell you until they were back?—”
“That’s okay, thank you for telling me,” I whisper,spinning in a circle. I laugh, the sound coming out slightly more hysterical than intended, and I slap my hand to my mouth before saying, “I’ll see you there.”
“Yeah, I’m not waiting for him to get his ass home before I say hello,” Scottie chuckles on a grumble. I know she’s missed my brother fiercely. “I’ll meet you there.”
We hang up, and I shout, “Guys, get your shoes on! Xander is home, let’s go!”
Dalton vaults over the back of the couch with an excited shout, racing for his bedroom to pull on a sweatshirt and to put on his shoes. Penny is bouncing excitedly in place, her little pigtails lopsided and waving crazily. I point her in the direction of her shoes, and she slides them on as I rush to buckle Bea into her car seat.
I take half a second to run into the bathroom, just to check that I’m not a total hot mess, and then we’re out the door. My jeans hug my curves perfectly, and the long-sleeved top I’m wearing highlights the fullness of my breasts and the narrowness of my waist. My hair is clipped up in a half ponytail at the back of my head, and I push my glasses back up the bridge of my nose.
I manage to get the kids all buckled in and then we’re pulling out of the driveway. I know where their base is, having gone there with Cal a handful of times throughout the years. The late afternoon sun is filtering through the colorful leaves as we drive.
