God, I hope I didn’t mess this all up completely. Or that he changed his mind about me… about all of us. I can only pray that he still loves me.
I see Violette’s car parked ahead as we pull into the parking lot, and across the way I see her and Rowan embracing tightly. He’s got her lifted, one arm wrapped beneath her bottom and the other around her back as they kiss. My brother and Scottie are hugging, their foreheads pressed together as they talk and kiss.
As Dalton helps Penny unbuckle, I unbuckle Bea and lift herout of the car seat and hold her to my chest, my eyes scanning the people milling around before I take hold of Penny’s hand, and the four of us start across the dirt parking lot. I’m sure we’re a sight.
I still don’t see him, my neck swiveling from side to side, my eyes scanning every face. Where is he?
“Xander!” Penny shouts, startling me, and then both my son and daughter take off at a sprint toward the man that just exited the base building.
Tears sting my nose as I take him in. A grin flashes across his face and then he’s dropping to his knees, spreading his arms wide as they crash into him hard enough to knock him off balance. He wraps them both in his arms and tugs them close, hugging them tightly. He raises those blue eyes to mine as I reach them, and then he’s standing.
I launch myself at him, Bea still clutched in one arm, and I laugh and cry when my other arm curls around his strong, steady frame, those arms curving around me, too. It’s like coming home.
“Hey, Mama,” he whispers, and I can’t help the tears that fall when I hear the hitch in his own voice. “Fuck, it’s good to see you, beautiful.”
I lean away, just slightly, not willing to lose my hold on him just yet, but I have to say what I need to say.
“I’m so sorry,” I stammer, my eyes flitting over every inch of his face. My fingers curl into the fabric of his shirt. I don’t care that he’s filthy, I just need him close. “Xander. I was so selfish, and I’m so sorry. You are the most incredible man I’ve ever met and I was so wrong to ask you to give something like this up. Something that makes you the man that I love.”
His eyes crinkle at the corners when a smile slowly pulls at his lips. One hand comes up and cups my cheek, his thumb caressing gently. I sniffle, but taking my eyes off of his is impossible.
“You love me?” he asks quietly.
“So much,” I sob, nodding as I tilt my cheek into his palm. I’m vaguely aware of Violette stepping up beside us to take a wriggling Bea from my arm. “So, so much. I love you. I want everything, too, Xander. If you can be brave enough to walk into fires, I can be brave enough to stand beside you while you do it. And we’ll be here waiting for you every time.”
Xander stares at me as he brackets my face with his strong hands, and with both of my arms free, I close my fingers over the backs of his, holding him close.
“I was a coward. I was terrified of how much I loved you, of how much my kids love you. I should have told you I love you so many times. I should never have let you go thinking you weren’t the love of my life.” He swipes at the tears tracking my cheeks, a gentle, loving smile on his lips. But he lets me continue, broken though it is with the emotions rolling through me. I lick my lips and forge on, my lips wobbling. “I loved Logan. And there’s a part of me that will always love him. I will always cherish the time that we had together, and the life I had with him. But there’s no ghost, Xander. Because I love you for the days we have ahead of us. I want everything with you, this future we’ve been given. Only you. I want this, whatever it takes, no matter what it is, or how far away it takes you from us. I want to be brave for you. To take this chance with you.”
His eyes drop to my left hand and I swear I can see the tension leave his body as he sees my bare finger. He drops his forehead to mine, rolling it there, our noses bumping, lips barely dragging across the other.
“I love you so much,” he whispers, pressing sweet, sipping kisses to my lips. Then he laughs, his breath puffing against my face. “But, sweetheart…”
Oh god. My heart cleaves in two. He’s going to tell me he can’t do this. I ruined everything by taking too long.
“You’re going to be stuck with me a lot more than usual,” hecontinues, his eyes shining down at me. “Because I just handed in my resignation. Effective immediately.”
I’m struck completely motionless. My brain is moving slowly, like trying to wade through molasses.
“What?” I whisper breathlessly, stunned.
He strokes his fingers over my cheeks, then smooths my hair back away from my face. His eyes rove over all of me before returning to my own. He smiles, so tenderly it makes my heart ache.
“I’m getting ahead of myself, sweetheart. First, I need to tell you that I am so sorry, Teddy. For what I said before I left, for being a giant dickhead. I knew I was being unfair to you and because my pride was stung I lashed out at you. I had a really smart man give me some big advice. And I’m going to get a lot wrong, and I’m never going to be perfect, but I want all of our days together, Teddy. The beautiful, the mundane, the scary, and the ugly ones too. But I want you with me for all of them. I want this family. I realized that I can’t walk away from you again. I can’t walk away from these kids. Even if it’s temporary.I love you more than fighting fire, Teddy,” he breathes reverently, pressing his forehead to mine. My fingers fist tightly in his shirt, clutching him to me as tears slip down my cheeks. “I need you like I need air, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure we have everything in this life that I can. I want every fucking day with you. You are my forever, sweetheart. And I’m not waiting for that to start.”
“But you love this,” I whisper against his mouth. “I can’t ask you to give that life up.”
“I do love this, and I love you all the more for being willing to stand by me… but I know that this is what I need to do. To stay with you. To livethislife. Maybe put my own ring on that finger and do my best to put a baby in you?—”
Grinning, I shake my head, our lips rubbing together as I huffout a laugh. “You’re insane. And just what are we going to do with four kids?”
“I’ll give you as many babies as you’ll let me,” he whispers, curving his body over mine. “I think we’d make some damn cute kids together. Promote Bea to big sister.”
“Get a room.”
Xander flips my brother off over my shoulder and I laugh again. My heart is so unbelievably full.
“What do you say, Mama?” he asks, kissing me again. “Be my girl?”
