“I was so selfish,” I mumble through my tears, finally raising my head enough to swipe at my face. “Ohmygod,” I groan, tipping my head back to stare at the ceiling. “He must hate me.”
“I doubt that’s true,” Vi says gently, patting my shoulder. “They all know we get emotional and scared. It’s normal.”
“But I doubt either of you basically begged Cal or Rowan to stay,” I whisper brokenly, heaving a shuddering breath to steady myself. “I begged, you guys. I would have gotten down on my knees. I was so incredibly selfish to ask him to give this up because I’m not strong enough to handle it.”
“Rowan got the call for a fire once right as I was starting my period,” Violette mumbles, grimacing slightly. “I might have thrown a fork at him when he said he had to go and I cried because I didn’t want him to leave.”
I snort out a startled laugh, looking over at her incredulously. Her eyes go wide and she holds her hands out.
“What?!” she exclaims, laughing, too. “I wasn’taimingat him. It was just in his general direction!”
“Oh my god,” I laugh, shaking my head. “That’s hilarious. And a little terrifying.”
“Shut up,” she laughs, shoving my shoulder gently before reaching out to snag a piece of the pizza.
The news footage has since moved on from the ground crew, leaving me feeling bereft. I could have stared at Xander’s dirty, stupidly handsome face forever.
I desperately need him to come home safely.
Looking down at my left hand, I spread my fingers wide on my thigh.
The nakedness of my finger is still something I’m getting used to, but it doesn’t hurt the way I expected it to. The small indent and pale strip where my wedding band had sat for over a decade will take time to fade, but… it somehow doesn’t feel wrong.
It feels like spring, like the beginning of something fresh and new. I just need Xander to come home so I can tell him everything.
It’s been a month of fighting this fucking bitch of a fire and I’m exhausted. Ready to go home.
It’s been a fucking month since I’ve talked to Teddy, heard her voice. That morning that I’d left had nearly fucking killed me. But being without her… fuck. I can’t keep doing this. I need her so fucking fiercely, every damn part of her. Her worry, her fears, her laughter, her love. I want it all.
Cal and Rowan have kept me in the loop of what Scottie and Violette have told them, but that’s about it. Just that she’s okay, that the kids are okay.
Nothing else.
This Geronimo fire in Arizona is just about toast, and I can’t fucking wait to get our orders to go home.
Sitting on an overturned log, I sip a cup of steaming hot, shitty campfire coffee and stare down at the envelope that I’d stuffed in my pack before I’d left that morning. It had come with me, had remained inside one of the interior pockets throughout the entire fight.
But now, with this fire's end on the horizon, I pulled it out. Still staring at the handwriting scrawled across the front.
“You ever gonna read that?” Cal asks, sitting down next to me, a plate of food in both hands. He hands me one and I take it with a gruff thanks. “You’ve been staring at it for an hour.”
I huff out a derisive laugh, shaking my head. “Fuck, I’ve been staring at this for two months.”
“What is it?” he asks around a mouthful of food. His knees are spread wide, elbows braced on his knees, plate suspended in front of him.
I fold the envelope and tuck it into the front pocket of my shirt for safekeeping, then dig into my own food before answering.
“It’s a letter from my dad.”
“No shit?”
I nod, taking another bite of food. Fuck I’m starving. “Zach found it in his shit when he was moving. Sent it back to me. I just haven’t had the balls to open it.”
“Are you scared of what it says?” Cal asks.
Shrugging, I huff out another sigh. “I don’t know. Maybe?”
Cal has already scarfed down his plate, and he sits up straighter, then stands, clamping one hand on my shoulder. “Read it, you pussy.”
