Tears spill over her lids and she blinks rapidly, though her eyes never leave mine.
“He was myhusband,Xander…”
Her whispered words are nearly deafening in the quiet of the room, ringing like death knells in my head.
“I love you, Teddy. But do you love me?” I ask, my voice sounding hollow to my ears. Tears shimmer in her eyes again, her chest and shoulders shaking, but she stays resolutely silent.
The pain in my chest is nearly debilitating. Why do people do this to themselves? This fucking sucks.
Backing away, I lower my eyes from hers. I need to get out of here. I’m late as it is. My team is waiting for me.
“Xander—” she cries brokenly, taking a stumbling step toward me, reaching out one hand. I shrug away from her touch and she sobs, her shoulders shaking as she stops in the middle of my bedroom. “He was my husband?—”
“Was!” I exclaim on a shout, spreading my arms wide. Tears slide down her cheeks unchecked, her lower lip wobbling precariously. The agony in her eyes is nearly my undoing. My breathing is ragged, chest heaving, heart fucking breaking. I know I’m not being fair, but cornered animals rarely fight fair. “Was, Teddy. He’s gone. He’s gone, and I’mright fucking here!” I slap my hand to my chest, where my own heart is threatening to end me. “I’m right here, dammit!”
She sobs, her body shaking with her tears. “Xander, you have to understand this isn’t easy for me?—"
A derisive, cold snort escapes me and another broken sob from her tears my heart clear out of my chest. She wants me, butnot enough to let me have a place in her heart. I was a fool to think I could win her heart when it still belongs to someone else.
And because I’m a heartbroken, mean bastard, I lash out the only way I know how.
“Oh, I understand perfectly,” I mutter, snatching up my pack and turning toward her, but refuse to let her tears sway me. I can’t keep doing this. Pining for a woman that will never want me the way I want her. “When you’re ready to move on from that ghost in your bed, let me know, Teddy. Because I can’t keep competing with a dead man’s ghost for your heart, and I sure as hell won’t be a placeholder in your bed for him either.”
Her shoulders shake with her tears, her lips pressed tightly together to silence the sobs wracking her body.
“I need you to go,” I growl through the ache in my throat. My jaw twinges with how hard I’m grinding my molars together, and I gesture toward the door behind her. “I’m late, and my crew is waiting for me.”
I’ve never been one to follow the news on forest fires.
It only ever added to my anxiety, knowing my brother was out there. So I avoided them for the most part. I would wait until I heard from him, because no news was good news in my head. If he’s not messaging that he’s okay, he’s just busy and I can’t worry about him while he’s risking his life.
Now, though?
I’ve been glued to the TV for over two weeks. Any and every mention of this fire in the mountains of Arizona has only fueled my anxiety and panic, but I’m simply a glutton for punishment and can’t stay away. My brother has messaged that they’re all safe, but it’s been days since either Scottie or myself have heard from him. Violette said yesterday she’d gotten a brief video call with Rowan, but that was it. He was mildly injured, just a twisted ankle, but I know the fear she is struggling with after his accident earlier this year, when he’d been burned badly.
I haven’t heard from Xander, though I’m grateful for Cal, Scottie, and Vi for keeping me up to date on him. Even if every mention of him tears a little more at my soul. I don’t blame him for not reaching out to me.
Scottie and Vi are sitting on my couch with me. A pizza box is opened on the coffee table in front of us, though none of us have eaten much. This fire has been brutal, an absolute beast. The Vantage crew that Xander had mentioned lost three of their crew before teams could get them out. High winds, unpredictable hotspots, and treacherous terrain have made it obvious this fire is not going down without a fight. Evacuations of several small mountain towns occurred, and it consumed everything in its path.
Camera footage from above the fire, either by drone or helicopter, makes my throat close. It’s massive, the destruction. Never ending scorched earth and flames shooting high into the sky, curling like a forked tongue in the high winds. I’m sick to my stomach.
The camera footage switches to coverage of a ground crew, and I hold my breath for a sight of Xander, though I know it’s a slim chance with as many crews they have on the ground for this blaze.
“Hey, there’s Cal!” Vi exclaims, pointing to the screen. Scottie sits up straighter, her eyes widening on the screen. She blows out a heavy breath and smiles weakly. I squeeze her hand tight in my own. “And Rowan, oh thank god!”
Then there’s Xander, facing the camera from several yards away, his face nearly black with soot. His eyes flashing that intense, sky blue from behind his safety glasses. The clothes he’s wearing are dirty, soot stained, and I can just make out the bandage on his right hand, now nearly black with grime.
He looks exhausted—they all do—but the grin on his face as he looks around at his crew… he’s out there doing what he loves, what he was born to do. The man was born to be a hero.
My fingers tighten around Scottie’s again, and I focus so hard on his face that I don’t even realize that I’m crying.
“See?” Scottie says, squeezing my hand back. “They’re all okay.”
I laugh, and then I’m sobbing, dropping my face into my hands as my shoulders shake with the tears that pour out of me.
I was so scared to tell him I love him that I let him walk out without telling him. I let him walk into that fire thinking I don’t love him, when that’s not even close to the truth.
I love Xander with every breath in my lungs, every beat of my heart. He told me he wants everything, and I let him walk away thinking I didn’t want that, too. Because I was too scared to try again.
