Why is it that even after seven years, my body grovels at his feet, begging him to give me attention? At some point, I’ll be able to move past this man, right?
Standing up from the bed, I try again. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep in here.” My voice is distant but not sharp.That’s better.
He looks at me again, and I can see his eyes rake up my body. I can’t place his expression, but when his gaze meets mine, I can tell he knows I caught him assessing me. He almost seems smug about it.
I hate him.
Except, I don’t think I could ever actually hate Sam.
Sam’s eyes drop to my lips before he slowly licks his own. Butterflies are having a field day in my stomach. I avert my gaze before my body steps towards him of its own accord.
“I booked a flight as soon as I got your text. I messaged you back, telling you I was on my way.” He says it matter-of-factly and without emotion. He crosses his arms across his chest, his forearms flex slightly in the process; I’m back to staring at his muscular arms.
It takes me a moment to remember the text I sent him before I drove to Charleston.
Yesterday seems like a lifetime ago.
“I’m so sorry, Kat.” I finally look at his face again. He takes a step forward but stops when I take a step back.
It isn’t that I don’t want him to be near me—quite the opposite. No matter how much time has passed, I can’t stop thinking about Sam. I can’t seem to stop pining after him.
It’s better that I just stay away.
“I… I forgot I messaged you.” I rub my eyes in an attempt to stop the tears I feel prickling at the corners.
He runs a hand across his face like he’s trying to wipe away this situation. I wish it worked that easily. “My flight landed a couple of hours ago, and my dad asked if I could help out here. He’s helping your parents with…” Sam clears his throat, “the arrangements.”
I wince at his words. We aren’t all here to set up another one of my parents’ parties. I follow the movement of his hand as he drags it through his hair. He used to do this when he was nervous, and I briefly wonder if the gesture still means the same thing to him now.
Sam clears his throat again and looks around the room. “I saw your mom downstairs, and she asked if I would check on you. I went to your room first. You weren’t there.” He looks a little sheepish. “I haven’t been in Ethan’s room in a while and thought I would take a look before heading back downstairs.” He shrugs, like that explains it.
Turning toward the bed, I fold the gray fuzzy blanket someone covered me with and place it at the foot of the bed. “How long are you in town for?” I try to speak evenly, but even I can tell my voice is shaky. I hate asking this, but I need to know the answer.How long do I have to navigate him?
“I’m not sure yet. A week, probably.” Turning back toward him, I look at him; his gaze burns into me.
All of a sudden, the emotions coursing through me are too much, and I feel my heart breaking. Not just for the loss of my brother, but also the loss of this man I’ve loved almost my entire life, standing in front of me.
“I can’t believe he’s gone.” My voice is no louder than a whisper.
Sam drops his arms to his sides and steps toward me again, hesitant at first. I don’t move and don’t remove my gaze from him, hoping he comes closer but trying to will him to stay where he is. As much as I know I need to keep my distance from Sam, I don’t think I have the strength to deny his comfort right now.
When I don’t move away from him again, he quickly closes the gap and wraps me in his arms.
Sam is several inches taller than me, the same height as Ethan. I feel him trying to take the pain away with his contact alone, and I can’t stop my body from melting into his embrace. He feels warm, strong, and comfortable.
“Me too, Kat. Me too." His tone is choked with emotion.
I want to stay with him like this forever.
The smell of his cologne hits me; it’s the same one he always wore, a little like pines and the salty sea air. It takes all my strength not to bury my face in his chest so I can soak up his scent.
But I can’t stay here. I can’t let myself fall back into his orbit, pining after someone I can’t have. It would crush me. Again. And this time, I don’t think I would survive it.
Slowly, I pull away and wipe the remaining tears from my cheeks. Glancing at his shirt, I see I’ve left it wet with tear stains. “Sorry for ruining your shirt.” I offer a small smile, embarrassed, before stepping away fully. He looks down, smiles, and responds with a shrug.
“He used to love that jacket.” Sam reaches out and pulls lightly on one edge of the jacket I’m still wearing. “I never told you this, but I was always grateful that you and your parents were there to support Ethan and me at our track meets. Dad couldn’t always be there, but I knew I would find you in the crowd and knew you would be cheering me on.” He shifts his focus down to his hands, “Thanks for that.”
God, I used to love watching Ethan glide over the hurdles. Given his height, I never understood how he looked so graceful. But there he was, always at the front of the pack.
