They made it to Districts in their freshman year and went on to State every year after that. Track was the only sport Ethan participated in, and he loved every minute of it. He would work out during the off-season so he could“have the best season ever!”
When I started high school, Ethan tried to convince me to participate in track with him. He never stopped trying to persuade me, even after he graduated. Unlike Ethan, I didn’t play sports in high school—a decision I’ve never regretted. I’m just not coordinated that way. I joined the high school choir instead.
Did I say I love you?
“I loved watching you both compete. I was sad when you decided to stop pole vaulting after freshman year. You were so good at it. I never understood why you hated it so much.”
A shrug is his only response. I don’t push him to say more. Sam and Ethan both tried each event out that first year. After that, they both chose to participate in a couple of events. Sam chose the long-distance running events. Ethan decided to continue hurdling and sprints, leaving behind the field events altogether.
I’m feeling awkward and don’t want to be in this room with Sam anymore. It feels too small with him in it. Like I can’t breathe unless I am breathing him in. I don’t want to reminisce with him. I need to get away. “I'd better go get cleaned up. I guess I’ll see you downstairs.”
“Ok. I’ll see you down there.” He looks like he wants to say more, but I avert my gaze and move towards the door before he can.
I can’t stop myself from looking over my shoulder at him. He’s watching me with an expression that I can’t place. His eyes have darkened—with longing?
Before I go down that rabbit hole with no return, I take off Ethan’s jacket, hang it on the hook by the door, and walk out of the room.
My legs feel like Jello but somehow, I keep myself upright as I make my way over to my room, quickly grabbing the bags I left at the top of the stairs last night.
Once in my room, I quietly shut my bedroom door behind me and lean against it, staring at the pink princess hat I got at Disneyland when I was a kid.
I stand there for several moments, justbreathing.
Istay in my room until I hear the floors creak. Sam is going back downstairs. Only when he is gone do I gather my clothes and make my way to the shared bathroom.
I take my time in the shower, allowing myself several moments to wallow in everything I’m feeling—the water washing away the evidence of my tears.
I can’t resist thinking of Ethan and our call yesterday morning. It feels like it was so much longer than that.
Did I say I love you?
I try to remember each word we exchanged, but I can’t remember if I said I loved him before we hung up. This detail haunts me. I try to force my brain to remember but finally give up and finish my shower.
I dress in comfortable jeans and a T-shirt. Remembering I forgot to call Liv last night, I grab my phone and headphones out of my purse. Putting in the headphones, I unlock my phone and see the messages from Sam.
Fuck! Is he ok?
I'm booking a flight now and will be in Charleston as soon as I can.
Leaving my Messages app, I click on Liv’s name in my Favorites list. The phone rings only a couple of times before she answers.
“How is Ethan?” Three words, and I feel my world shatter again.
“He’s not… he didn’t…” I sink to the floor against my door, pull my knees to my chest, and drop my head. I can’t speak past the sobs racking my body.
Liv is quiet on the line as I try to regain my composure. Once I can speak again, I tell her what happened.
“Fuck.” Her voice is strained, and I know she’s crying too. “I’m so sorry. I can’t believe this. I’m just… I’m so sorry.”
Liv wasn’t particularly close to Ethan, but she still thought of him as family. I know this is hard for her, too.
“I don’t know if I can be there until Friday evening, but I will be there as soon as I can,” she croaks out.
“Thanks. I need you.” I choke out the words. Blowing out a breath and leaning my head back against the door, I try to stop the tears from coming again before I continue. “Liv, Sam is here too. I don’t know if I can handle my feelings for him with everything else. I don’t know what to do.”
“Oh shit!” Her voice jumps several octaves. “Well, it makes sense that you would see him. What are you going to do?” Liv knows my history with Sam. I’ve told her everything, including the fact that I’ve never gotten over him.
“I don’t know. Avoid him as much as I can?” That doesn’t feel right. Sam was Ethan’s best friend. Running my hands across my cheeks, I wipe away the stray tears. “No, I’m not going to avoid him. But I don’t know how to act around him. We haven’t exactly talked other than the required, ‘hi, how are you,’ in so many years.” I groan audibly. “The other issue is that he is as gorgeous as ever. I feel like that pathetic twenty-year-old begging him to love me.” I blow out my breath.
