I fill her in on what the department told me, and her eyes widen in shock. “I’m sorry, Zane.”
“What are you apologizing for?”
“You wouldn’t be in this mess if it weren’t for me,” she says, those tears welling in her eyes again.
“Hey,” I say, grabbing one of her hands. “I did this myself. None of this is your fault.”
“Yes. It is,” she says, jerking her hand away. “If I had just left you alone, you never would have been meeting us that day.”
I pull her hand back, clasping it in both of mine. “And then you would have been alone. That’s worse. I don’t give a fuck about that job, Beautiful. I only care about you.”
“You shouldn’t,” she whispers, turning those blue eyes on me.
I frown. “Why the hell not?”
“I’m broken,” she chokes out. “All I see is his face. I keep having this nightmare that he killed you. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I’m a fucking mess. Get away while you still can.” She tries to pull her hand away again, but I hold tight.
“Listen to me,” I practically growl. “I just came off a two-week drinking binge. We went through some deep shit, Les. No one expects you to be okay. We can be a mess together.”
A half sob-half laugh bubbles out of her at my words before she sobers again. “We can’t be anything together.”
I knew this was coming, and I was prepared. “I went through hell once for you, and I’ll do it again. I didn’t tell you I loved you while we were there just because I thought we might die. I told you because I always have, and I needed you to know that.”
“It’s not just up to me, Zane.I won’t hurt them. They’re everything to me,” she tells me honestly. She’s not telling me that to hurt me; I know that. She’s just letting me know where she stands.
“I’m not giving up on us, even if that means I have to share you,” I reply. I hinted at it when I almost kissed her in her office that day, but I never said the words. Now she has no doubt about how far I’m willing to go for her. I’m not telling her any of this to make it harder for her. I’m telling her, so she knows I will doanythingto be in her life.
If I’m honest with myself, the drinking didn’t just stem from me quitting my job or what they told me. Drinking is the only way I can quiet the madness in my head. All I heard were her cries, her whimpers, and her screams. I could do nothing to help her the whole time this was going on. I can’t even describe how that makes me feel.
“We have too much history, Zane. It would never work,” she says finally. I feel like she’s trying to convince herself as much as me that this wouldn’t work.
“Why did you say you needed me, then?” I ask gently.
“I needed to know you were okay.”
I think it’s more than that, but I’m not going to point that out. Yet. “I’m not going to lie to you and say I’m fine. Because I’m not. But I will be. We both will.” Before long; she’ll return to her throne as Queen Poletti; this won’t keep her down for long.
She surprises me by scooting closer and snuggling into my side. I let her hand go so I can wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her closer. I lay my cheek on top of her head and soak it in.
“Where do we go from here, Zane?”
“I don’t know,” I tell her honestly. I know what I want, but I refuse to push her. The time will come when she’ll admit to herself that she needs me as much as I need her.
“Do you ever wonder what it would have been like if you had never joined the police academy?” I know what she’s asking. She wants to see if I think we would still be together.
“Every damn day.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? I can’t tell you I still would have been okay with it, but at least I wouldn’t feel like our entire relationship was a lie.”
I close my eyes at her admission. “I’m a selfish bastard, Les. I wanted as much time with you as I could. I knew the moment I told you; we would be done.” And we were. The moment she found out, she left me without a thought.
“I wasn’t mad about the police academy,” she says, her voice taking on a sleepy note. “I was hurt that you lied to me.”
One of my biggest regrets in life is lying to her, but I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I was going to graduate fromthe police academy, remove her from the danger of being a Poletti, and protect her. I wanted her to bemine,last name and all.
“I shouldn’t have lied to you. If I could go back in time, I would; then you would be mine.”
I feel her shake her head against my shoulder. “Then I wouldn’t have what I have with my boys.” I know if she weren’t half asleep, she wouldn’t be admitting to any of this, so I decide to push my luck.
