“Do you love him or even like him? You’re talking about him and what he might think or feel, but what about you?”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t love him. I thought maybe I might, and that’s why I had sex with him. But I know I don’t. And it’s getting to the point where I have to force myself to be excited to see him because I’m on guard about what he might say to hurt my feelings or how he might just be a jerk in general.”
“Well then, Brooke, I think you have your answer, don’t you?” She closes her pad and sets it on the table.
I shrug, then nod.
“Whatever decision you make regarding Eli, you have to do what makes you happy. But also make sure you’re prepared for a potential panic attack after or even before. Use your steps. Try to stay grounded and clear. You’re still taking Zoloft, right?”
“Yes, I am.”
“And you feel like that’s still helping with your anxiety?”
“I do. I mean, it’s there, but not as severe.” I shake my head. “I’d like to try to stay on the low dose if possible.”
“I’m okay with that as long as you’re doing well on it. But, Brooke, even if you did have to move to a different dosage, there’s nothing wrong with that. You have a genetic predisposition, and there isn’t anything you can do to change that. But you can manage it, and you are.” She stands. “Our time went fast today. Do you want to schedule an appointment for when you come back after break?”
“Yes, please.” I take my phone out of my crossbody, and we schedule our next appointment.
“Brooke, whatever you decide with Eli, it will be okay. He will be okay, and more importantly, you will be too.” She smiles gently.
“Thanks, Kaitlin. I know all of this logically. It’s the emotional pieces that I struggle with, but you already know that!” I laugh.
“Have a good break. Enjoy your time with your dad and brother. And hey, maybe do something spontaneous, again.Might be good for you.” She walks to the door and holds it open for me to leave.
“Not sure about that, but thank you. Same to you.” I laugh and walk down the stairs and outside the building.
My phone is still in my hand, and I look down at it and just stare. Like it’s going to give me some kind of answer or something. Then it buzzes with a text from Eli.
Eli: You haven’t texted me all week. Are you going to keep ignoring me? All break? Don’t be childish, Brooke.
And there’s my answer. If he was really concerned about our relationship or just wanted to let me know he was thinking about me, he could have reached out sooner too.
Brooke: I’ll be leaving around lunchtime. Do you have time to come over?
I know he does because he’s done with exams and he isn’t leaving to go home right away.
Eli: I have about thirty minutes. I’m meeting a few people for lunch.
Brooke: That’s fine. I’m walking to my dorm now. See you soon.
Deep inhale in, exhale out.
I can do this.
I’m just finishing packing my last bag when there’s a sharp knock on the apartment door. Thankfully, my roommates have already left, so I won’t have an audience for this.
Before I pull the heavy door open, I take a deep breath. When he knocks again, I open it to see Eli standing there, looking somewhat irritated, but also like he’s trying to be happy to see me. Or maybe he just needs to use the bathroom. I can’t really tell, honestly.
“Hey,” I say shortly.
“Hello, Brooke. So, what have you been up to? I thought I would hear from you at least once before break.” He walks in and takes a seat on the couch.
“I’ve been finishing up for the semester, as you know. And just getting ready to go home for break. You could have called me too. After the game, you told me to take a few days tocalm down,so I guess I wasn’t sure what the timeline was on that.” I sit down on the loveseat across from him instead of beside him.
“And have you?” He holds his hands out.
“Have I?” I prompt.
