I sigh. “That I feel like I have to look a certain way, talk a certain way, and never be disagreeable, or he belittles me. Despite the fact that I’m just as smart as he is. Like, if I challenge him in any way, he’ll punish me by ignoring me. Like he’s done this week actually.”
“What happened this week?” Kaitlin tilts her head, watching me.
I clear my throat. “Well, he asked me to go to a basketball game with him, but I don’t think he really wanted me to come or expected me to say yes. I didn’t realize his friends were coming with us. I thought we were going to be spending time together, but he ignored me when we got there.” Then I meet her gaze. “Some of the guys from the football team showed up and sat behind us. And, long story short, the kiss cam happened, and Eli refused to kiss me, so one of the football guys did, and … as you can imagine, it made Eli pretty mad.”
“That sounds uncomfortable and confusing,” she says evenly. “Especially since you went into the situation with different expectations. What emotions came up for you in that moment—before Eli reacted?”
“At first, I think I was just shocked. Like, it took a minute for my brain to catch up to what was happening. And then Eli was upset, which just irritated me more than made me anxious. I didn’t want to cause a scene either. So, I guess in a different situation or different circumstances, I would have had a panicattack, but because it was someone I knew, I didn’t. I’m not really sure.”
“So, familiarity played a role in how safe your body felt in that time,” she says. “Does that feel accurate to you?”
“Yes, for sure.”
Silas’s face pops in my mind, and all I can see are those blue eyes and that sexy smirk he wears.
“That’s important,” she says. “Have you thought about whether your sense of safety was situational, or whether it was connected tohimspecifically? In other words, do you think you would’ve felt the same way if it had been someone else?”
“All the other guys I spend time with have girlfriends, or most of them anyway, so that would have been really awkward.”
“So, this particular person doesn’t?”
“Not that I’m aware of. I’ve never seen a girl hanging around long. And never anyone he’s introduced to us. Come to think of it, it’s been a while since any girls have come around. Maybe earlier in the school year.”
She makes a note. “Do you think he has feelings for you?”
“I mean … maybe. He definitely flirts with me, and he’s really sweet and funny.”
“Do you have feelings for him? You’re smiling,” she says, raising her eyebrows.
Shit.
Instead of answering right away, I grab another mint from my bag.
“Silas is a friend. And, yes, he’s extremely attractive, and I might have had a crush on him, but that was before I came here. I mean, it’s not like anything would ever happen because he’s friends with my brother.” I bite down on my mint, breaking it in half.
“And yet he kissed you in public. In front of your boyfriend.”
“Right.”
She lets that sit for a beat. “How did your night end with Eli?”
“I was supposed to go to his place, but the whole night changed into something that just upset me, so I went home instead. I thought about going to Charlie’s, but Silas lives there, too, and I didn’t think I was ready to see him yet.”
“Did you enjoy that kiss?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“I’m guessing this is one of the guys that Eli doesn’t like. So, my next question to you is, do your new feelings or realizations, or whatever you might call them, about Eli have anything to do with Silas?”
“I don’t think directly. Eli has been acting this way since we slept together. And even that isn’t great. I am new to all of that, but he doesn’t make me feel confident in what I’m doing. It’s like we do it, and then it’s over. There’s not even a whole lot of lead-in to the main event, if you know what I mean.” I can feel my face heat.
“I know what you mean, yes.” She laughs lightly. “Maybe he also lacks experience, and he’s insecure.”
“I’m not so sure about that, but either way, it doesn’t feel like we’re compatible in and out of the bedroom. So, I just don’t know what to do about it. I hate confrontation. I hate hurting people’s feelings. And I hate that I’ll have to see him if we break up. I won’t be able to avoid him. Since we’re both Atmospheric and Geosciences majors, I’ll see him at the weather center often.” I clench my fists and cover my eyes.
“I can see why you would think that would be awkward, but do you think you would feel worse or better staying with him? Compromising your own happiness because you don’t want to hurt his feelings? Respectfully, it doesn’t sound like he cares about your feelings, or if he does, he doesn’t know how to maturely express them.”
“No, I know he probably doesn’t care about my feelings. I don’t even know how to approach this though. He’s my first boyfriend. I almost wish he would just break up with me so I didn’t have to do it.” I laugh humorlessly.
