And now here I am, staring into the carnival, thinking he’s here.
I’m in such a daze that I nearly drop my armful of stuffed pandas.I look out at the swirling lights and the running children and hear the carnival music coming from every direction.
It’s him.Right there.Standing in front of the Funhouse with two other men.They’re laughing.Having a good time.
I may vomit.
When I first arrived at that house, it seemed like it would probably be all right.Within a few days, I knew it wouldn’t even be safe.Or decent.Or anything less than a horror show.
I noticed that the kids were too quiet.The mother, when she could stand up, reminded me of a ghost.Zoned out and crying.Most nights, she got drunk.Many nights she passed out.
On my third night there, I ran away.
The smiling foster dad came to pick me up at the police station.He charmed the cops and the social workers and he took me back.
On my fifth night there, I ran away again.Yet again he charmed everyone and dragged me back, telling me that if I didn’t shape up I would live to regret it, if I lived at all.
I figured out what was happening in that house.I could see it in the eyes of the other girls, younger than me.But they wouldn’t talk about it.
On the sixth night, it was my turn.
But on the seventh night….
A shudder moves through me from the top of my head to my toes.
The set of those rounded shoulders.The shape of his bald head and the rolls of flesh where it meets his neck.The way his pants sag.But I can’t be certain because he’s turned away from me.I would have to look at him square in the face to be sure.I’d have to see the telltale scar.
And I don’t want to.
Then he’s gone.
Where did he go?Could I have imagined him?It wouldn’t be the first time.At my last job at the truck stop, I swore I saw him pumping gas.I was so grateful he didn’t come inside for coffee or something to eat.I have no idea what I would have done, but I’m pretty sure it would have involved something sharp.
I find myself raising a shaky arm and pointing at the Funhouse, like I’m finally getting to pick him out of a police lineup.I never got to do that with him, since he was never charged.
“What’s wrong?”Finn brings his face near mine.“Emma?Are you okay?Who’re you pointing at?”
I drop my hand and scan the crowd again.Nothing.
“I think I’m seeing things.”I try to get a different angle.I have to make sure he’s nowhere near me.
Finn’s body has gone rigid.The way he’s standing makes him appear to take up more space, like he’s ready for a fight.This isn’t his fight.There is no fight.
It all happened a long time ago.It was my fight, and I took care of it.
“What’s happening?”Jasmine runs up to us, out of breath, then turns to wave goodbye to Declan.“Are we going on the Ferris wheel?”
Finn stares at me, his eyes nothing but questions.I smile at him and touch his forearm.
“Everything’s good,” I tell him.“I’m fine.Really.”
Am I?
A monstrous apparition just dragged me right out of the pleasure of this moment with Finn, Jasmine, and the rest of a community that has welcomed me with open arms.
I can’t let that happen.
Lock the door.Dump him in the landfill.
