I look down at Jasmine.“Let’s go to the Ferris wheel!”
The three of us walk together, though Jasmine runs and skips ahead and doubles back a few times.I don’t want to give Finn any reason to worry about me.He’s been so attentive all day, and so sweet.
If I even looked at something for two seconds, he’d insist on finding a way to give it to me.He made sure I was happy at every turn and went out of his way to introduce me to everyone he saw.He sounded proud when he did it, too.
And it all started when he took my hand and walked me from the car to the ticket booth.
I clench my hand and open it again, remembering the feeling of his fingers grasping mine.I don’t think I breathed once during that walk.I pretended that it was no big deal, that this sort of thing happened all the time.
But inside, I was doing back handsprings.The instant his skin touched mine, I came alive.I saw it all unfolding… Finn and I loved one another.His daughter was my daughter.His home was my home.And we were a lovely little family.
The forever kind of family.
And now a sticky, dark film clings to everything.It feels like I don’t have a right to think about any of those things or have any of those hopes, not even in fantasy form.The sparkle of this day has been tarnished, and my sense of belonging has given way to a sinking feeling of doom.
Finn puts his hand on my shoulder.I wake from my stupor to see his concerned expression, his eyes locked on mine.We’ve reached the Ferris wheel.Jasmine’s jumping up and down.
“I can’t wait to see everything from high above,” I tell him, plastering a smile on my face.
But he’s still got his hand tight on my shoulder.Like he’s protecting me.From something he can’t see.
I will not tell him about the monster that may, or may not, have been here.If I do, that will be the only way he will ever see me, from that moment on.
Ruined.A criminal.
I will not let that happen.
Finn can never know about that part of my past.I’m sure Phyllis has already updated him about my orphan status and how I dropped out of school.That’s plenty pathetic, right there.If Finn hears anything more than that, he won’t let me continue to work for him.And I wouldn’t blame him.
My arms are full of stuffed pandas, but I manage to take Jasmine’s hand.“Ready to fly?”
Three hours later, we walk through the front door at home.Jasmine is fast asleep in Finn’s arms.The toys and balloons and everything else that Finn bought for Jasmine and me are still in the car, and Finn says to leave them there until morning.
I’m worn out.It’s been a great day, so great that I’ve almost been able to erase the memory of seeing—orthinkingI saw—the monster from my past.But now I’m exhausted and I feel gross.I’m dusty and dirty.There’s cotton candy stuck in my hair and a remnant of Jasmine’s Snickers bar on my forearm.My stomach is full of fried foods, most of which should not be allowed anywhere near a deep fryer.
I’m desperate for some quality time in my luxury shower.
I walk upstairs with Finn and pull back Jasmine’s bedcovers so that he can lay her down.We each remove one shoe and one sock and Finn tucks her in.
We straighten, and Finn takes a deep breath.He has cotton candy in his hair too, I realize.
“What a day,” he whispers.“I might be getting old.”
“You’re not old.”The light and shadows of the room morph his beautiful face into that of an old-time movie star, a magnificent and suave hero here to save the day.All he’s missing is a double-breasted suit.“I’m tired too.I’ll be lucky if I can make it into the shower and then my bed.”
His eyes darken as he looks down at me.“I apologize for wearing you out.I shouldn’t ask you to work such long days.”
“Was I on the clock?”
A soft grin curls his lips.
“Will you take the cost of the pandas out of my next paycheck?”
He doesn’t answer.
“It was not work for me.I thought of it as a lovely day with a beautiful family, and I’ll treasure today for the rest of my life.”
I exhale loudly, slightly shocked that I just said all that.I really am tired.“Good night, Finn.”
