I’ve thought about how I should have made her move. I should have confronted the guy when, time after time, he didn’t fix things when they asked him to. He was negligent, and no one called him out on it. If I had, maybe things would have been different. Maybe Tess would still be here today. I blink and find Lucy with her head tipped to the side, compassion in her gaze.
I plow ahead. “She had texted me that she was taking a nap. The rest of her roommates finished their finals and headed home earlier in the day. I waited to hear from her when she finished her exam, but she”—I swallow—“never texted me again.”
Lucy reaches out and grabs my hand, squeezing it hard.
“When she didn’t show up for her final exam that night, one of her friends from the class tried to reach her, and when she couldn’t, she got in touch with her parents. They ended up finding her in her bed. She died from carbon monoxide poisoning.”
“Oh, TJ.” Lucy swallows and shakes her head. “She was so young.”
“She was the best the world had to offer. Bright and funny and curious, but kind and always looking out for people.” I cut myself off when my voice cracks. I haven’t let myself dwell on Tess in several years, but it’s not difficult to remember what a light she was, and how it felt so cruel that she was taken so soon. “I sometimes think if I had been there with her, I could have done something.”
I don’t admit that out loud very often. Probably haven’t said it in years. I wish I could have done something—anything—to help her.
“Or you might have died too,” Lucy says quietly after a moment. “It’s hard not to hunker down in the place of regrets, trust me, I get it. But it doesn’t change what happened. What happened sucks.”
I huff out a breath. “It really does. I still feel like I should have taken care of her somehow.”
Lucy presses her lips together and looks at me with a furrowed brow.
“What?”
She shakes her head slightly. “I think if Tess was here today, she’d say youdidtake care of her. She wouldn’t blame you. It was an awful accident, and I’m so sorry for you and for Tess’s family.” She pulls in a breath. “Are you still in touch with them?”
My phone burns in my pocket where the email from Tess’s mom is waiting for my response. I think about Tess’s parents and how they took me in and treated me like their own son. I’ve kept in touch with them, but only over the phone and via email. I haven’t seen them in person since the funeral. I gave all my focus to football. I didn’t graduate, instead choosing to enter the NFL draft the spring of my junior year. I’ve been in Green Bay playing for the River Foxes ever since.
I know it’s a lousy excuse. Tess’s family lives in the suburbs of Chicago. It’s a three-hour drive. Hardly insurmountable, even with my schedule.
“I’ve been cowardly.” I glance at Lucy, my cheeks heating.
She releases her grip and brings her hands up to cup my face. “Not you. You’re fearless, isn’t that what you told me the night we met?”
“I lied,” I whisper, relishing the feel of her soft skin on my coarse cheeks. “I’m afraid that people I love will always leave me. It’s why I haven’t dated seriously since Tess died.” I gulp down my rising emotion. “I don’t know if I can handle losing someone again, so I haven’t gotten close to another woman since Tess.” I blink and meet her gaze. It’s open and kind, and I suddenly feel brave. “Not until getting to know you, actually. Thanks for being my friend, Lu. Thanks for being here.” My voice cracks.
She presses her lips together as fresh tears spring to her eyes. “I’m really glad to be your friend.” She swallows. “You’re the first person I’ve let in in a long time, too.”
“I know you said you haven’t thought of hurting yourself, but I’m going to check in on you, because I don’t want you to leave.”
Her fingers press into my skin. “I don’t mind. But you can trust me when I say that I’m not going anywhere.”
I nod, and our gazes stay locked in. Lucy’s eyes are bright with unshed tears, gold flecks sparking against dewy blades of grass.
“Thank you for telling me about Tess,” Lucy says after a second. “I’m guessing she’s the woman in the photo on your shelves at your house.”
“That’s her,” I say.
Lucy nods.
“You also probably noticed my pathetic Christmas tree when you were at my place.”
“Not gonna lie, I wondered about that. And about your comment when you walked in downstairs.” Lucy scoots back and sitscrisscross on the edge of the bed. “Guessing the timing of the holidays is tough for you.”
I stretch my arms over my head. “Getting the news of Tess’s death five days before Christmas put a damper on everything. My parents’ car accident was also in December, so it’s never been my family’s favorite time of the year. Gram and Pa tried to make happy memories for me growing up, and I didn’t always hate Christmas. I still don’t hate Christmas,” I amend. “It feels like a heavy time, and truthfully, I haven’t really had anyone to share the weight of it with.” I chuckle nervously. “That came out sounding way more vulnerable than I intended.”
“Don’t apologize. I think I understand.” Lucy’s eyes take on a faraway look. “My dad and I used to cut down our own Christmas tree every year. It was one of my favorite traditions, but I haven’t done that in years. Ruby, my stepmom, prefers a fake tree. That’s what we’ve had since my dad passed. I haven’t cut down a tree in over a decade.”
She’s quiet for a moment, looking lost in memories of the past until she blinks, focusing her gaze on me and offering me a small smile.
My heart surges in my chest, beating more quickly with a desire to give something more to Lucy. “Want to go and cut down a tree with me?”
