“I’m sure it sounds hypocritical now that you know I write books for a living,” I go on, “but I don’t want people to be obsessed with my stories to a point that they become the most important thing in their lives. I want to help people live their actual lives by encouraging them to love deeper or by giving them a moment of peace or escape when life gets hard, so then they can face whatever they’re facing with renewed strength and spirit. When things get disordered and we put all our emphasis in the wrong places, then everything spirals out of control.That’swhat I was trying to say up there. That we’d all lost sight of what really mattered. People and doing good work and loving and serving those around us. Granted, I picked a terrible moment, and my delivery was all wrong. So now people think I’m the devil incarnate.”
“Nobody thinks that,” TJ says indignantly.
I snort. “Trust me. They do. I’ve read all the comments.”
“Please tell me you haven’t.”
I meet his imploring gaze, tipping up my chin. “I read them weekly.”
TJ looks physically pained. “Why would you do that?”
I shrug. “I deserve it. That’s my comeuppance.”
He shakes his head. “People in comment sections are unnecessarily cruel.”
Tears sting the corners of my eyes as I remember one comment in particular. “Yeah,” I say, my voice wobbling.
TJ’s warm gaze never leaves my face as he tosses the pillow on the floor and leans forward in his chair. “Hey, talk to me, Lu. You’ve been carrying a lot of this alone. I’m here.”
I let out a shaky breath. “It’s stupid.” I look down at my knees for something to focus on. “There’s been a couple comments alluding to how the world would be better without me in it, and that’s—”
“No.” TJ’s voice is sharp and my gaze snaps to him. He kneels down on the floor in front of the bed and grabs for my hands. He squeezes them as his eyes bore into mine. “There isnoversion of this world that’s better without you in it. Do you believe that?”
I gulp down my emotions. “I know. I do,” I whisper. I can’t believe I’m talking about this with him or anyone, but the words start flowing before I can even consider keeping them cooped up inside. “I haven’t considered hurting myself or anything like that. But sometimes when I read comments like that on those articles, I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about how much easier it would be if I just wasn’t … here. If I’d died with my mom during childbirth, or if I’d gone to the store and stopped to get gas with my dad. None of this would have happened. I wouldn’t have offended the entire entertainment industry and the general public. I wouldn’t be struggling to string a sentence together when I used to be able to write pages and pages each day. I made everything so hard, and I hate it. I guess I could have kept my mouth shut and that would have solved the problem, too.” I try to laugh it off, but a tear trickles down my cheek.
TJ reaches up to brush it away. “Can we be friends who hug?” he asks. “I’d like to hug you right now.”
I nod, too overwhelmed to speak. He opens his arms. I crawl up on my knees and collapse into his embrace.
Chapter 24
TJ
Ihold Lucy as she silently cries into my henley. I bring my hand up to cup the back of her head and gently stroke her hair. “I’ve got you,” I murmur before pressing a quick kiss to the crown of her head. My heart pounds in my chest, protectiveness surging with each pulse. I wish I could take away all of Lucy’s pain. I wish I coulddosomething for her right now. I’m honored she felt safe enough with me to share this part of her story, and her raw honesty steals my breath. She’s been through so much, and she’s so brave, but I don’t think she’d call herself that. In my eyes, the fact that she’s still standing—or I guess, slumped into me right now—speaks to her inner strength. I want to make her see how strong she is … somehow. I want to make sure she knows she’s not alone. That she matters.
Lucy leans back after a couple minutes and wipes at the mascara that’s bleeding beneath her eyes.
“Thanks,” she says, her voice hoarse from the tears. “I needed that.”
I sit back on my heels, giving her a little space.
“I’m such a mess,” she says and hits me with a look when I start to tell her she isn’t. “I am. It’s been a really hard year. I miss writing and writing well. That’s always been how I’ve coped, so it’s felt extra empty the past few months, not feeling like I can even do that.” She pulls her knees up, hugging them to her chest.
“I get that. I can’t imagine not having football as my outlet.”
She nods and then lets out a small laugh. “I feel like I just laid myself bare. All my wounds right out in the open for you here.”
Her cheeks flush, and I don’t want her to regret her openness. I like knowing what she’s going through. I’m humbled that she shared all that with me. I want her to know I see her, and in a small way, I get her.
“Would it make you feel better if I told you something about me?”
She looks at me with wide eyes, still glassy with emotion. “Only if you want to.”
The thing is, I actuallydowant to. I don’t overthink it. I summon my courage. I want to give Lucy a piece of me, something to go along with the shreds of her heart she placed in the space between us. I take a deep breath. “My girlfriend in college passed away the week before Christmas our sophomore year.”
Lucy’s lips part in surprise, and her hand flies up to cover her mouth. “TJ, I’m so sorry.”
I swallow down the knot in the back of my throat. “She was alone in the house she and her roommates rented. It was a total dump. Classic college house. Their landlord was kinda the worst.” I shake my head.
