What I didn’t see was the bump in the road that turned everything upside down. Every story has one, or more than one, the way an earthquake has aftershocks that can shake the foundations of thetallest building until you’re certain it will topple over. Unpredictable twists and turns you can’t control, destructive as natural disasters. Unbeknownst to us, we were in the eye of the storm.
She was a romantic, sentimental child, with a preference for solitude, few friends, and a propensity to be moved to tears when the roses in the garden bloomed…
—Isabel Allende,The House of Spirits
23
That Person Who Makes You Want to Do Everything Again
It was past 11:00 a.m. when I finally got back. I left my suitcase on the floor and looked at the walls with new eyes. This was my home now. I opened the windows to let in a little air and put a James Bay album on the old record player. The music filled the entire room.
As I threw my dirty clothes in the wash and put away my things, I realized none of Frances’s old belongings were there apart from her favorite cup, which was in the drying rack, and a shawl hanging on the coat-tree.
Time seemed to run backward, like a video on rewind or the sand in an hourglass rising miraculously upward, and I could briefly see Frances and my grandmother within those walls, happy, laughing, their arms around each other on the sofa while I colored with crayons, kneeling on the floor. All those memories, down to the last detail, came to life in my mind. My time there had been the happiest I’d ever known, and there was a bittersweet contentment in finally being back there.
Is it possible to miss yourself? Yes. I knew. I was doing it right then.
I took a deep breath and focused on the here and now. No more ruminating, no more thinking in circles, no more running away. Ilooked for a metal box my grandmother used to store her buttons in. I emptied it out and put inside the book my mother had given me when I was a girl. I needed to see it for what it really was: a keepsake, but also just a thing. I couldn’t use it as a sanctuary every time I felt alone. It wasn’t a refuge, it wasn’t therapy, and turning it into that had been harmful for me. It was time to give it up.
No more hiding it under the pillow.
Trey was right. I didn’t need to pretend I was someone else, especially not a character from a book. All I needed was to be myself.
I also put away my grandmother’s letter in the same box. When I closed it, I felt lighter.
Then I plugged in my computer and made a few calls while I waited for it to charge. I got hold of Hayley and managed to talk to her for a few seconds. She was somewhere in New Caledonia. Hoyt answered me on the first ring, “Little Pumpkin!”
“Hey, big brother.”
“Where the hell have you been?”
“I was trying to think through some things. Don’t worry, though. I’ll tell all.”
“I hope so. Did you find what you were looking for?”
“Yeah. That’s…that’s why I’m calling. I’ve decided I’m going to stay here in Montreal, for good.”
He waited a moment to respond, and I could hear murmurs in the background. “I’m glad to hear that, Harper. I like the idea of having you here close.”
I tried to remain calm. “Next week, I’ll go to Toronto, just to get my things and take back my apartment keys. I’ve got to talk to my department head at school and my boss at the publisher…”
“I can give you a hand if you need.”
“No, I can handle it on my own.”
“Okay.”
“Excuse me, sir. You’ll need to turn off your phone. We’re about to take off,” a woman said.
“Are you on a plane?” I asked.
“Yeah, Dad wants me to make a surprise visit to the New York office. I’ll be back in a few days. If you want, we can have dinner and you can tell me everything?”
“Yeah, call me, I have something I need to tell you in person.”
“What?” He sounded slightly alarmed.
“Nothing bad. Relax.”
