“Did you wash your hands?”
“That’s a good question. I washed them before I peed, I know that for sure.”
“Whybeforeyou peed, Brandon? Why not after?” Nolan asks.
“I didn’t want my weenie to get dirty.”
“It’s okay, I handled the chicken, and I did wash my hands,” Brandon’s girlfriend says as she comes out of the kitchen. “He washed his hands too. He just doesn’t seem to remember.”
“Oh, so you finally allowed Paisley to meet our parents and she’s not yet running… that’s concerning,” Landon comments. “If you’re in it for the money, please know that all of the money is mine.”
She laughs. “You’re so funny. Your whole family is so funny, Brandon. Just like you.”
Brandon blushes and then hurries off into the kitchen.
“Why are your asses still not in chairs?” Patricia asks. “Do I need to force you into them? If you aren’t sitting in five seconds…” She pulls out a taser and clicks it as we all watch it crackle to life.
“Ooh, I like you even more now. May I call you Mother?” I ask.
“You may,” she decides.
“Mom, you can’t threaten my friends!” Landon snaps, sending the taser flying with a wave of his hand.
“Let me see that, Landon,” Nolan says, and Landon delivers it to his hand with his power. Nolan presses the button and then smiles fondly at it. “Hey, Brandon. I have something to talk to you about out back.”
“Don’t get too excited, it only tickles him when you do it to him,” Landon says, clearly from experience. “I was also horribly disappointed.”
Nolan still wants to experience this himself as Brandon comes in and sets a container down before Nolan jabs him with the taser. Brandon squirms a little while he laughs.
“That tickles!”
“Yeah? Does it?” Nolan growls, jabbing him a few more times before Brandon’s girlfriend comes and Nolan grudgingly lowers it to pretend he’s the normal one.
“I shot him once and it did nothing. So if you really want to let your frustrations out…” I pull out three guns and display them to Nolan, who oddly looks less excited about this than I expected.
“I… don’t think that’s what you should do,” Ellison informs me.
“Well, that’s disappointing. Anyone else want to shoot Brandon?”
“I kind of do but also realize that’s morbid,” Landon says. “Honey, is it morbid if I shoot my brother?”
“I… I don’t know,” August replies. “I never thought I’d have to answer that question.”
“Understandable,” Landon says.
“Let’s eat, you foolish fucks,” Patricia says. “Oh wait… I’m supposed to act normal… whatever that is. Brandon, you wouldn’t know normal if it shot you in the ass and called you by your name.”
“Mom, stop embarrassing me!” Brandon cries.
“Paisley, did Brandon tell you that he crawled naked into bed with my dear August?” Landon asks once Paisley sits down.
“I don’t think he did,” she says with a raised eyebrow.
“I have to sleep in the nude or I can’t sleep at all!” Brandon states.
“He also—” Landon is cut short when Brandon cups a hand over his mouth.
“Don’t listen to him. He never looks up from his books. He knows nothing,” Brandon tries to claim.
