I should have known that question was coming. It was good of him to ask, even if I really didn’t want to talk about it.
“Jaysus, worse, fella. Much worse,” I sighed.
“Feckin’ hell. What’s goin’ on?”
“I… I can’t be sure, but I’d be fairly certain he burnt Tess’s wee place to the ground.”
“What the feck? Y’serious?” I could hear the surprise in Ronan’s voice. “No one hurt, now?”
“Nah. Not this time, at least,” I muttered. “Feck, Ronan, he’s not in a good place. He’s just fallin’ further an’ further an’ I don’t—”
That familiar panic began to rise inside me, and I tried to calm my breathing. Luckily, Ronan had my back.
“‘Ey, now. Take it easy. Deep breaths,” he murmured softly. “Y’doin’ the best y’can, like. Just carry on bein’ a good friend. That’s all y’can do.”
Fresh tears welled and I draped my arm over my face, my lower lip wobbling. I was thrown back in time, to all the times I’d felt helpless as a kid. I supposed you were never truly past trauma inflicted at a young age and I fought against myself, trying to keep myself together.
“I feckin’ miss you, aye,” I said, voice shaking and betraying me.
“Jaysus,” Ronan sighed. “Y’need me t’ get back there? I will, like. I’d be gettin’ a wee van tonight an’—”
It was something he offered on a regular basis and as much as I really wanted him here, I refused to drag him into this. I loved him too much. The best place for him was with his family.
“Nah, nah,” I replied, clearing my throat. “Sorry. It’s been a hard day, like. Just gotten the better of me, that’s all. I’ll be alright after gettin’ me head down.”
I could tell from the frustrated huff at the other end of the phone that Ronan didn’t believe me for a second, but he let it drop. “Y’still not sleepin’ well?”
“Gettin’ a few hours here an’ there, like.”
“That’s not enough an’ y’know it.”
“Aye, thanks Ma,” I teased, a soft smile working its way onto my face when I heard him laugh.
“Y’can cut that out right now.”
“A’right, a’right,” I sighed. “Listen, I’d best be goin’. Let y’get on wi’ y’day.”
“Aye, okay. Y’take it easy now, y’hear? Gimme a bell whenever y’need t’ talk.”
I nodded, scrubbing a hand over my face. “I will, now. Speak t’ ya in a bit?”
“Quality, an’ John-Francis?”
“Aye?”
“I love ya.”
That fucking aching was back in an instant, and I closed my eyes. “I love ya, too. Catch ya later.”
“Bye, now.”
I allowed my phone to drop from my hand and lay still and silent on my back, staring up at the ceiling. Ronan was right – Iwasdoing all I could to help Declan, but it didn’t feel like it was enough. I was losing my mate, I could sense himslipping away from me and the harder I tried to hold on to him, the harder he fought me.
I sat up, gaze returning to Tess’s phone on the side.
“C’mon, Tess,” I said, voice quiet as I spoke aloud to myself, praying with all that was in me. “He needs ya. Come back t’ him. Feck, come back t’ him – before it’s too late.”
A few days passed by in a blur. I kept trying to reach out to Declan, even when he continually pushed me away. He was drinking so much, I wasn’t sure how he was still with us. Seamus had been supplying him with the odd baggie of weed, hoping it would help to mellow him out. Weed seemed like the lesser of two evils when Declan’s alternative was a whole bottle of whiskey and passing out in a pool of his own vomit.
