I pulled up outside Declan’s place, tyres skidding in the gravel and launched myself out of the driver’s door. Seamus was right behind me.
“Declan!” I shouted, hammering my fist on the door. When no immediate answer came, I thumped the door louder still. “Declan! Y’in there or—”
To my surprise, the door flew open. Declan looked awful, worse still than I’d been used to seeing him of late. His face was marred with a dark scowl.
“The feck y’wantin’?” he snapped, speech slurred.
I could smell the acrid stench of burnt wood, and I lost my cool. I barged my way into the caravan, grabbing Declan by his shirt as I dragged him with me. He was immediately on the defensive, lashing out and fighting against me, but my rage fuelled me.
“The feck y’think y’playin’ at?!” I roared, shoving him roughly. Declan stumbled, falling down to the floor. He was hammered, that much was painfully clear. “I thought ya weredead!”
“No such luck, aye,” Declan growled and I lunged for him.
“Whoa! Whoa!” Seamus yelled, leaping between us. “Calm it the feck down, now!”
I didn’t have the words for how furious I was, how broken-hearted, how completely desperate. I was fighting with all I had for Declan and to hear him say such a thing… I couldn’t handle it.
I stormed out of the caravan, pushing past Seamus and leaving him with Declan. I had to get out of there. The fresh air did little to ease my turbulent emotions, and I paced back and forth outside. I’d run my hands through my hair in despair so often these last few weeks, I was surprised I had any hair left. I couldhear Seamus talking to Declan, though I couldn’t make out any details and with trembling hands I dug out my phone.
I navigated to my messages, reading through a few of the texts between Ronan and I since he’d left. There was a photo Darragh had taken of himself, Fiadh, and Ronan, the three of them smiling in the sunshine and my chest ached with longing. I wanted to be there with them so badly. I read the message beneath it over and over:
RONAN: I miss you so fucking much.
I had no words for how much I was missing him as well, but on days like today it was all I could do to remain standing. Just as I was about to dial him, Seamus clambered down from the caravan, his mouth set in a grim line.
“I’d say it doesn’t take a genius t’ figure out he’d be burnin’ that wee place down, like,” he muttered, scratching the back of his head.
I hummed in agreement, hurriedly locking my phone and shoving it back in my pocket.
“Shite, he’s not in a good way. Y’ever be seein’ him like this before, now?”
I shook my head. “Nah. Never like this. not even when his ma died all them years ago.” I sighed heavily. “Feck, Seamus, what am I gonna do, like?”
He cast me a sympathetic expression. “I dunno, lad. Y’doin’ all y’can. Just keep checkin’ in, aye? I hate t’ say it, but y’can’t help someone who doesn’t want t’ accept it.”
Seamus was right. I knew that deep down, but it was so hard to accept. We parted ways with the agreement that one or other of us would pop in and check on Declan again later.
Feeling like the world was resting on my shoulders, I wandered back to my caravan. The fair was in town, the town was heaving, drinks were flowing… and yet I didn’t have an appetite for any of it. I just wanted to lie down.
Back inside my gaff, I emptied my pockets out on the countertop, my eyes drifting to Tess’s phone. I’d found it in her house with its battery dead and screen smashed and brought it back with me. I hadn’t honestly expected it to still be working after whatever Declan had done to it, and yet as soon as I’d plugged itin, it had booted up right as rain. I kept it on loud, fully charged in the vain hope that one day it might ring and put an end to this fucking nightmare.
I threw myself down on my bed and tapped on Ronan’s contact before holding my phone to my ear. It rang a few times before he answered.
“Just the fella I always want t’ hear from. Howsagoin’?”
Just hearing his voice had tears welling in my eyes and despite the ache in my chest I smiled, hoping Ronan wouldn’t be able to tell I was crying.
“‘Ey, there he is. Y’doin’ alright, like?”
“Aye, just enjoying the sun wi’ a beer. What ‘bout yourself? Been down t’ the fair?” he asked.
“Nah. Don’t much feel like it, now,” I sighed, wiping my eyes.
“Aye, I get that.”
We chatted easily for a little while about nothing in particular. Ronan distracted me, telling me about the places they’d been or where they were headed next and it felt like a salve to my soul. It was amazing how much happier I became just for talking with Ronan.God,I wished he was here with me. I needed him.
“How’s Declan doin’?”
