My brows shot up. “Nah, y’coddin’.”
“Really, like!” She grinned. “I’d be bein’ serious wi’ ya.”
Somehow knowing Siobhan didn’t have a benchmark to measure me against bolstered my confidence and I moved in to kiss her again.
Soon enough we were both undressed, exploring one another. In the dark it was easy to lose myself to the sensations and whilst I was still nervous, I was happy to note that my body was behaving itself just as it should. I could have roared with happiness. Perhaps all of this had been in my head after all? That wee magazine meant nothing. I could still be normal, and no one would ever have to know otherwise.
“Y’got a wee johnny, Johnny?” Siobhan huffed with a laugh.
Without a word, heart hammering in my chest, I hopped off the bed and grabbed the foil packet I had stashed in my jeans pocket for this very reason. Without Siobhan’s touch on me and my anxiety skyrocketing as I fiddled with the condom, my hard-on waned.
“Feck’s sake,” I muttered beneath my breath, frantically attempting to coax my body back to life. “C’mon!”
“Y’alright? Y’need a wee hand or—”
“Nah,” I snapped, unintentionally short with her. “I got it.”
Siobhan shrank back a little. “Aye, alright, like.”
I rolled the johnny on, practically thumbing myself into it and hastily pushed Siobhan over. We settled down in the bed, getting comfortable, but when she reached for my length, I felt her tense up.
“It’d need t’ be a wee bit spritelier than that, aye?”
I knew she was joking, but the insecurities I housed inside came rushing to the forefront of my mind. I clambered on top of her, squeezing my eyes shut whilst kissing her firmly. Seemingly without my permission, my imagination took over. For the first time in a long time, memories of that centrefold returned to me. I could see all the details as if I were staring right at it, ingrained in my mind as they were.
“Mm, that’s a wee bit better,” Siobhan purred. “C’mon, big boy, get it in.”
I did as I was told, the monumental moment of losing my virginity completely lost as I focussed on keeping my thoughts trained on the images in my head. I couldn’t slip up now.
The ride didn’t last long, just as was expected for a virgin. Allowing my mind to go places I hadn’t for some time, I was reminded anew of just how I’d gotten myself into this mess in the first place. The force of my climax left me shaking and gasping for breath, just as it always used to.
“That was quick,” Siobhan teased, kissing my neck. “Was it that good, now? Couldn’t hold yourself back?”
I knew she was only messing with me. Siobhan didn’t mean anything by it, but she didn’t know the cyclone of tempestuous emotions that was raging inside of me. I rolled off her, shame and rage scalding me. I scrubbed a hand through myhair before hastily snatching up my boxers from the floor. I could feel Siobhan’s eyes on me, and it made me itchy.
“‘Ey, ya alright there, Johnny?” she asked, voice tight with concern.
“Aye,” I muttered. “Just, y’know, tired. I’d be gettin’ ya back home, like.”
“I mean, I thought I’d be stayin’ here, now. We could have a wee second round if ya—”
“Nah. Y’need to go.”
Siobhan’s confusion was palpable. The sensible part of me knew what I was doing was cruel. This wasn’t her fault, and she didn’t deserve to feel as if it was, but my humiliation overrode my better judgement.
Siobhan didn’t say another word. She hastily got herself redressed and let me escort her back across the camp to where her family were hitched up. As we approached, I slowed, hanging back.
“I’ll be seein’ ya, I guess?” I said, not in the least surprised when Siobhan stormed off, her arms wrapped around her body. She didn’t respond and I allowed her to leave, keeping watch until I knew she was safely back inside before heading home.
As soon as I was inside, I threw a vicious punch. My fist splintered a kitchen cupboard, panels of wood flying and I roared with fury. I glanced down at my knuckles, hand shaking, bloodied and already beginning to swell. Fuck, I was more like my da than I’d ever admit.
Already feeling like dog shite, that line of thought sent me spiralling and I sat down heavily at the edge of my bed with my head in my hands. I was broken. There was no escaping this. I didn’t deserve a girl like Siobhan. My da was right. I was nothing more than a fucking dirty, wee bender.
Siobhan wasn’t the last girl I attempted to ‘cure’ myself with, though she was the one I regretted hurting the most. As the years passed, I forced myself into hookingup with girls on a semi-regular basis, but I never made the mistake of befriending them again. If anything, my new-found promiscuity put me in good standing with Declan and the other fellas. Fucking and chucking geebags was the way it was done and that suited me just fine. I was always keen to immediately forget them and hide behind the façade of masculine bravado, all too happy to be labelled a ‘player’. No one suspected the truth, and I was desperate to keep it that way.
Things seemed to be moving along pretty smoothly for a while, but by the time Declan and I turned eighteen, our criminal activities had drawn the wrong kind of attention. The filth were always after us, that was a given, but when a rival gang of Romanian fellas moved into town, things got dark and dangerous real fast. It was no longer safe to be dealing alone and when some of our mates got jumped and beaten, their gear and cash stolen, the older fellas began to make plans of retribution.
I was no stranger to the gritty truth of this world. I’d seen some shite in my life and faced hardships most folks wouldn’t understand, but when Declan and I had knives thrust into our hands, instructed to use them as necessary, I knew some serious shite was about to go down.
