Another long silence. This time it was my turn to clear my throat and break the tension.
“We’re t’ stay behind. They’re goin’ t’ Appleby without us. I’m sorry, Dec.” Shamefully, my voice cracked with emotion.
“Ah, feck it. No bother, like.” He sniffed, followed by a soft chuckle. “Tell ya the truth I’d been worried about bawlin’ me eyes out bein’ there without me ma anyhow. Like a feckin’ wain.”
Despite my misery, I felt a smile worm its way onto my face. The split on my lip opened up, the pain distracting me in an instant but there was no denying I felt a little lighter just being here with Declan.
True to her word, my ma left a holdall with my belongings in it outside Declan’s place. She didn’t even knock, just dumped it down and high tailed it back to my da in the van. The caravan was hitched up to the back, and I watched through the murky panes of Declan’s windows as my family left me behind.
The camp was quiet with most folks leaving to attend the fair. All our mates had gone too, leaving just me and Declan. In truth, I couldn’t be too mad about that. Even after the swelling had gone down, my face was a mess. The fewer folk that saw me like that, the better in my opinion.
Despite the heaviness of the weekend – both Declan and I grieving for our own reasons – we had a decent laugh. Declan had sticky fingers at the best of times, but given we’d been left to our own devices with no more than a couple of quid between us, he made sure we had enough to eat and a few DVDs to keep ourselves entertained with. Sure, it wasn’t the best of diets – crisps, fizzy drinks, sweets… basically whatever Declan could fit inside his pockets from the local corner shop, but it was better than going hungry.
I kept myself as busy as I could, but I knew when the weekend came to an end, I’d be forced to face reality once more. My parents would return, and I honestly wasn’t sure what I was going to do when they did. I couldn’t hide away inside Declan’s caravan forever but given my da had nigh on beaten the shite out of me, I didn’t expect he was keen to lay eyes on me for some time.
As it turned out, I needn’t have worried. My parents didn’t return from Appleby. When a week passed, I sent word to a few mates I had up that way, but they claimed the pair of them had left for Dublin after the fair as usual. I’d been abandoned and I was conflicted on how I felt about it.
I was still carrying the huge hole my parents’ rejection had left inside me, and yet I couldn’t bring myself to be sad I’d never see my da again. Sometimes, when I was lying awake at night, I’d shed a tear for my ma, but I knew it was for the best.
Declan and I made ends meet as best we could. We were pretty streetwise, but we were still minors. Some of the women about camp kept an eye on us, checking in to make sure we were fed and clothed. Without the full story, they were disgusted that my parents had just vanished and left me to fend for myself and whilst my guilt ate at me, I allowed them to believe I was the victim. I daren’t tell anyone what had really driven my ma and da away.
The years were tough, but Declan and I pushed on through. We both did some things we weren’t proud of as a way to make cash. Sometimes it was shoplifting, other times dealing for the local drug gangs and acting as fences or lookouts for some of the older fellas whilst they conducted their shady business. We did whatever we needed to do. I was certainly learning some new tricks of an entirely different trade these days.
By sixteen and a half I was on first name terms with some pretty dangerous fellas. They’d taken a liking to me and Declan. My mate was ferocious and fearless, doing whatever dark shite they needed him to without complaint, whereas I had a shrewd business sense – something I was sure my da would be proud of me for if he didn’t hate my guts. Sometimes I worried what living like this would do to us in the long run, but beggars couldn’t be choosers.
The gang we were hanging about with held some belters of parties. Declan and I were part of the inner circle, trusted to collect cash and drugs without getting caught and as such we were richly rewarded. We had access to all the booze, drugs, and stolen shite we’d ever need and to say both of us sampled far too much, too young was an understatement.
My new lifestyle as a career criminal had done a stellar job of distracting me from the troubles that had got me there in the first place. I pushed all thoughts of that magazine and how it had made me feel to the back of my mind, repressing the shite out of them. I was fully convinced that if I fought hard enough, I could change. I didn’t have to be this way. I didn’t ever want to go through whathad happened that night ever again. I couldn’t lose this, lose Declan. Not over something like that. He was all I fucking had.
With money, drugs and flashy shite came girls. None of us were short on female attention, in particular Declan. Despite his age, he was as tall as most of the older fellas we hung about with already and since he’d begun to lift weights and get back into his boxing, he was in good shape too. He was a pussy magnet, the wee geebags clamouring to get on him whenever they had opportunity. I couldn’t rightly blame them, though I kept that opinion strictly to myself. Declan and I were still sharing a caravan which made for some awkward sleepovers with me trying not to listen as my mate got the ride in.
The wee girls Declan brought back with him always sounded like they were having a good time, and I grew morbidly curious as to what my mate was doing to ensure it. I didn’t dare ask, shrugging and fobbing him off whenever he questioned why I never brought girls home. I had my fair share of female attention too, and yet whenever things seemed to be heading down that path, I’d find an excuse to avoid it. I knew I couldn’t put it off forever. Eventually Declan would start to get suspicious. We shared a damn caravan. I couldn’t get away with a wee white lie about my bedroom prowess.
One night at a particularly raucous party, I met Siobhan. Why she had ended up in such a place I never did figure out, but she and I hit it off immediately. She was ferociously funny with a sharp wit that put me at ease. Joking around with Siobhan was like talking with my mates – nothing was too crude, no joke off-limits and we ripped on one another endlessly.
She was beautiful, too, but in a way that made me miss my ma. Unlike some of the wee geebags Declan bothered with, there were no airs or graces with her. She was curvy and soft, perhaps a little chubby by some people’s standards but I didn’t bat an eye.
Siobhan was the first girl I’d kissed that I actually remotely enjoyed being with and whilst there were no fireworks, I was confident I could grow to love her deeply… That was until the time came to get intimate together.
It was one night after yet another wild party that I bit the bullet and took Siobhan back to Declan’s caravan with me. I’d instructed my mate to give ussome space and after taking the piss out of me mercilessly for a wee while, he’d eventually agreed to keep scarce.
Siobhan and I had left the bonfire early, disappearing into the dark as I dragged her, hand in hand, back to my bed.
“Y’sure Dec won’t mind?” she giggled, pausing just long enough to take her shoes off before following me inside.
“Nah, t’ say he owes me one is a feckin’ understatement. Feels like he’s got a different girl in here every night. I’d be glad of a wee rest from the hollering and moaning, like,” I laughed.
“Well…” The change in Siobhan’s tone had me gazing back at her curiously. “Hopefully nottoomuch of a wee rest, aye? I wouldn’t mind doin’ some o’ me own hollering, if y’catch me drift?”
I felt myself growing hot and agitated. I scratched the back of my head. “Aye, well, I’ll do me best, now.”
Siobhan laughed, moving to wind her arms around my neck and pull me down into a passionate kiss. I let her guide me, feeling a little unsure and hesitant.
“Hey, now, is this y’first time?” Siobhan whispered with a smile.
“N-nah, nah,” I lied, clearing my throat. “I don’t get as much talent as Dec, but I do alright, like.”
Siobhan hummed. “Well, take it easy on me, aye? I’ve never done this before.”
