I didn’t respond with words and just nodded my head, my split lip wobbling.
A shaky sob escaped my ma and that was like taking a bullet. I’d have welcomed Da’s fists every day of the week if it meant never having to hear that noise ever again.
“I’d be so feckin’ disappointed in ya,” she whimpered. “I love ya, son, but I can’t—”
I was a disgrace, a monster. Even my own ma couldn’t look at me. What had I done?
“You’d be best keepin’ behind when we head t’ Appleby,” Ma continued. “Stay wi’ y’wee pal Declan, aye?”
I simply nodded, too weak to argue. How the fuck was I going to explain all this to Dec? It wasn’t the first time he’d seen the aftermath of a run in with my da, but this was on a whole new level. He was bound to ask questions.
“A-an’ I’d think it best if y’kept y’distance from ya da from now on, like. He’ll never forgive ya for this, son. Never.”
My whole world crumbled down around me. What the hell was I going to do? Still I held my tongue.
“From me, too.”
I looked up, gazing at my ma. She stared back at me, trembling violently. We both knew that if Da had thrown me out, Ma continuing to help me would only bring her pain and misery. She’d clearly come to her decision. I wasn’t worth the heartache anymore.
I wiped my nose on my arm, not at all surprised to see a smear of blood left behind. Without another word, I struggled to my feet and limped to the door.
“I’ll bring ya clothes an’ that by Declan’s trailer in the morn,” Ma said. “It’ll be early. Ya da will want t’ be makin’ tracks for Appleby as soon as he’s up and about, now.”
“Aye,” I murmured, voice cracking. “Thanks, Ma.”
She didn’t reply, just nodded and I stumbled out of the door, slamming it closed behind me.
It was dark, probably the wee hours of the morning by now, and the camp was still and silent. I passed between caravans unnoticed, grateful at least for no one seeing the state on me. Not that it mattered – everyone knew what my da was like. Even if I was spotted, no one would be doing a damn thing about it.
I arrived outside Declan’s caravan, frozen with fear. What if Declan decided I was too much trouble to be worth bothering with too? I’d ruined his weekend. Neither of us would be going to Appleby now, and after I’d promised him we’d do something special for his ma, too. My da, my ma… I wasn’t sure I could take it if my best mate turned his back on me as well.
I wasn’t sure how long I loitered around outside Declan’s caravan, unable to bring myself to knock. As soon as I did, the reality of everything that hadhappened would come crashing down. Nothing would ever be the same. Despite how my face throbbed, I was keen to stay in limbo a little longer.
I sat down in the grass, wet with dew, and rested my head back against the side of Declan’s caravan. My mind was buzzing and yet I couldn’t seem to wrangle a single, sensible thought into submission. I simply sat in silence, staring up at the night sky and watching as it gradually lightened.
Soon enough, I heard movement from inside Declan’s caravan. The door flew open, and Declan did a double-take, nearly slipping down the steps from his door with surprise.
“Feckin’ hell! Y’scared the shite outta me!” he snapped, his face suddenly falling. “Shite, y’alright?”
I shook my head. “Nah. I’d say I’ve been better, boyo.”
Declan didn’t say a word, just gestured for me to join him inside. I winced and sucked in a pained breath as I forced myself up, battered and bruised as I was.
“Christ, look at the state on ya, like,” Declan muttered. He grabbed a tea towel and after fishing around in his small, under counter freezer, pulled free a bag of frozen chips.
“I ain’t got no feckin’ peas,” he said with a sad smile. He wrapped the bag in the tea towel and held it out to me. I muttered my thanks and gingerly held it against my face. The cold helped soothe the worst of the aching.
When I slumped down onto the floor, leaning my back against the kitchen counters, Declan slipped down to sit beside me. We were silent for a long while before he spoke.
“Ya da again?”
I nodded.
“Y’wanna talk about it?”
“Nah.”
“Aye, fair.”
