Time ticked by in a haze, my fifteenth birthday coming and going with little consequence. Every day was spent either working with Da or dossing about with Declan and the others. Summer rolled around once again, and my family began making plans to attend Appleby Horse Fair. It was arguably one of the biggest events on the traveller calendar. Appleby-in-Westmorland was a wee village in England, but for a weekend in June it became a hive of activity, drawing travellers from near and far. It was one of my da’s favourite events and we rarely missed it, even though getting there was a bit of a ball ache. It would take us about six or seven hours all told, including a ferry ride, but it was always worth it when we hitched up in Appleby and joined in with the revelry.
Declan and his ma had made a wee tradition out of attending the fair. This would be the first year he’d been without her, and I was quick to invite him to join me instead. At first, he’d been hesitant, worried that he was somehow disgracing his ma’s memory, but he’d come around when I suggested we do something special when we got there to commemorate her. That seemed to cheer him up no end and he eagerly got to packing.
Our family caravan wasn’t the most spacious and I knew that inviting Declan meant we’d end up sharing a bed. Declan was my mate. Nothing was going to happen. We’d sleep top to tail, just as we had done as kids and so long as Declan didn’t go hunting around underneath the mattress, I didn’t foresee anything going wrong… but that didn’t stop me worrying about it. What if all that fantasising about fellas had broken me? What if I couldn’t stop my body responding to Declan being so close? How would I explain that?
Unfortunately, I needn’t have worried about Declan because there was somethingfarworse in store for me.
It had been another carefree summer day. My da had given me and Declan the day off ahead of travelling to Appleby in the morn. I’d spent the whole day playing football and mucking around with my mates. We’d swam in the river, set a small fire and some of the lads had even brought their dirt bikes. We’d had a great time, whizzing around on them in the park despite the disapproving glares of the locals. Everyone was in good spirits ahead of Appleby Horse Fair.
I said my farewells to Declan and the others, kicking a football all the way home. At the door to the caravan, I toed of my shoes and leapt inside. What was waiting for me turned my stomach.
My ma had been crying, that much was clear. Her face was red and blotchy, eyes glassy. When she looked up at me, she sniffed and started bawling anew, wrapping her arms around her body. My da was sat opposite her, off his tits with a face like thunder.
“The feck is goin’ on?” I asked with a frown, startling when my da leapt up and grabbed me by the scruff of my shirt.
“Why don’t y’tell us, now?” he snarled, breath stinking of booze.
I hissed in pain when he forced me to sit down at the table opposite my ma. Time slowed down, the noise of my own heart hammering in my ears suddenly drowning out everything else. My da slapped the jazz mag down in front of me.
“The feck d’ya call this?!”he roared in my ear.
I froze in place, adrenaline pumping. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the magazine. Once a source of pleasure, it was now anything but and I cursed myself for not getting rid of it when I’d had the chance.
“I– I, uh—” I floundered.
My da made a whimpering sound, mocking me. “What? Y’need a wee reminder?”
I watched in horror as he ripped page after page from the magazine, laying them all out in front of me. My heart was beating so fast, it was a wonder I was still conscious. My ma howled, turning away from the images before getting to her feet and rushing away to the opposite end of the caravan.
“Y’see what ya’ve done, y’wee prick? Made your own ma sick t’ her stomach,” Da snapped, still ripping out pages.
Soon the entire table was covered in gay pornography. Laid out like this, the images seemed vile, unnatural and I sank my teeth into my cheek until it bled.
“What have ya got t’ say f’yourself?!” Da shouted.
I couldn’t find the strength to respond. My throat ached and I prayed with everything that was in me not to cry. That would only enrage him further.
“No son o’ mine is gonna be a wee, dirty faggot.” Spittle flew from my dad’s mouth, his face so close to mine that I felt it speckling my cheek. I forced myself to remain still.
“It’s not like that Da, I swear—” I was cut off by my da grabbing hold of my shirt and dragging me off the chair. He threw me down onto the floor of the caravan and I scrambled to get out of his way.
“Colm!” Ma screeched, seemingly snapping from her trance.
“Y’stay outta this!” he roared. “Or ya’ll be gettin’ what’s comin’ t’ ya an’ all!”
It was a sad state of affairs, but this wasn’t the first time I’d taken a beating from my da. It was only when he bent over me, holding me by my shirt as he slammed his fist into my face, that I realised he’d been going easy on me all these years. Hewasn’t just teaching me a lesson this time, the purehatredI saw blazing in his eyes cut me to the core. I tried to shield myself from his fists, but it was no use. Somewhere in the distance I could hear my ma yelling, but the ringing in my ears soon drowned her out.
I lost count of how many times he hit me. My consciousness wavered, quickly giving way to the unending black and when I woke, Da was gone.
I was laying face down in a sticky pool of coagulated blood. Everything hurt, every nerve ending on fire and I groaned as I attempted to ease myself up. I had something hard stuck in my mouth and as I spat it out, I realised it was one of my teeth.
“Ya’ve really done it this time, son.”
My head whipped around, my brain feeling three sizes too big for my own skull. I could barely think, barely see as my one eye slowly swelled itself shut, but I spotted my ma, huddled in the corner of the caravan. She looked a mess, her face covered in tears and eyes red rimmed, but at least she was untouched. She’d been spared my da’s anger this time by the looks of things.
“I’m sorry, Ma,” I mumbled, the tears I’d been fighting so hard to hold back escaping me, mixing with the blood, and making my cuts sting.
“That…disgustin’filth…” She paused. “It belongs t’ yourself? I found it under y’bed when I got t’ strippin’ it.”
