"But this is?" I asked.
Finally, he lifted those dark brown eyes up to find mine. "Yeah, Cody. Shit, I've been across this whole country near ten times now. I've met thousands of people. I even took some home, ya know. I mean, the hotel sorta home. And all of 'em?" He scoffed. "They weren't worth keepin' around anymore."
"Ok?" I asked.
"It's real hard to find someone that gets me. Two of 'em?" This time, he looked at Tanner. "And sexy ones, too, ya know? I mean, I just wanted someone to give me a chance, but you two?"
He was gripping his hands together tightly. Too tightly, so I reached over to slide mine between them. That made Tannermove a hand to J.D.'s leg. Like that was what he'd needed, J.D. dropped his eyes back down, but he didn't stop talking.
"Everyone else I liked, they wanted me to change, or be different, or something. Oh, I'm sure they liked me real good, but the me they made up, not the me I am. And finding you two?" That smile appeared again. "Well, it's easy being with ya, but it's hard too. Like, hard knowing if I'm fucking up or not. Hard wondering if this is real. Hard thinking about what comes next, because our lives are all temporary and shit."
"What if we're not temporary?" Tanner asked. "I mean, what if this is real, J.D.?"
His shoulders relaxed as air slid from his lungs. "I don't wanna quit." He paused to shove a hand across his mouth, then checked both of us again. "Not yet. I don't wanna let those fuckers chase us off."
"But when is it too much?" I asked, thinking about when my dad had asked me about my end goals. "When do we win enough, J.D.?"
"When someone else can do what we did," he said softly. "When a hot babe can walk in without even thinking about keeping her head down. When a boyfriend or girlfriend isn't something to hide. When the PBR worries about scores, not who is making those fucking scores!"
"And what happens if it breaks us first?" I pressed.
He shook his head. "Naw. I'd rather quit. But..." He grunted. "Fuck! I'm so bad at this shit."
"Which shit?" Tanner asked.
"Look." J.D. pulled in a breath, let go of my hand, and turned a bit so he was able to see Tanner as easily as me. "I'm good. I'm damned fucking good. I know I can do it, and I didn't punch those fuckers that much, or cut 'em, or break all these fucking bones because I suck at this. Neither did you, Tanner. Now,Cody ain't broken much shit yet, but I don't wanna see her do it neither."
"Agreed," Tanner told him.
"But I don'twannalet those fuckers win!" he snarled. "They think my shit is their business, so I wanna make it damned clear to them that it ain't." Then he paused. "But I don't wanna see y'all get hurt for it neither. I just... I feel this..." He tapped his chest, right over his heart. "I don't wanna lose, but I can't take getting run over again. I need you out there, Tanner. And I wanna see Cody win. I know we can, but if the choice is hurting or losing? Fuck, I'm ready to lose, because you two make me feel like I've already won."
"I could walk away," I admitted, watching J.D. "I've made enough to make something of myself. I did what I wanted. I made it, J.D. I proved I'm as good as the boys, and while I'd like a gold buckle, I could walk away right now."
"So you're done?" he asked.
I shook my head. "I'm not. I don'twantto be, but Icouldbe. If they make it so this isn't worth it, I finally have a happy ending waiting for me." And I gestured between the two of them.
Which made that twisted, devious little smirk of J.D.'s start to form. "So, maybe you're saying you ain't got nothing to lose?"
"Pretty much."
"But maybe you still got shit ya can gain?"
I nodded slowly. "I do. I also don't care about it as much as I used to."
"Me either," Tanner agreed. "I was doing this because it's what I'm good at. Yeah, I love it, but turning bulls is a hell of a lot better job than sitting in an office, you know? And I thought I'd work my way up into the PBR, end up announcing, or something like that. I figured this was my career plan, but I don'twanta career in the PBR if it's going to be run like this. I definitely do not want to spend the rest of my life lying about who I am."
"Ain't no damned good reason you should have to," J.D. agreed.
"Except money," Tanner reminded him. "And us? We're still new. Sure, I have a rich boyfriend now, and my girlfriend is working on making herself pretty well-off too. But that's the thing, guys. I don't want to keep doing this shit just so I can be with you."
"No," I assured him, shaking my head to make the point. "Tanner, that's stupid."
"I'm still not poor," J.D. told him.
"And that's a big jump," I pointed out. "To assume that because you're fucking, you're going to support him?"
"But I would!" J.D. said. "I..." He paused for a little too long. "I like thinking this could be forever. That we can be real, and maybe we can keep doing this, you know? I'll buy the farm, Cody can buy the cows, and Tanner will wash my truck in some damned short shorts."
