He nodded slowly. "I am."
"Then why is it such a big deal if I want to kiss you like Luke does with Vi? Lean you against the wall, slide my hands down your sides, shove my tongue down your throat, and make you beg for more? Even Cess and Darnell - who aren't a couple, mind you - can be more affectionate in front of her than we can. Oh, but it's ok because I can hold your hand or give you a little peck? No. What happened to picking a fight? What happened to making it clear that this?" I gestured between us. "It's fucking valid. I like men, and that doesn't make me a pariah. It isn't going to scar a child. I mean, this is our home, and yet we can't ever relax, not while Luke is trying to get custody."
Ash moved closer. "So what are we doing? You gonna bend me over the kitchen island before dinner?"
I grunted, not impressed, because he was missing the point. "They get to be PG-13, right? We have to keep it rated G because the gay is bad. Ash, I'm not ashamed of us."
"I'm not either," he agreed, "and I think you're right. I also keep thinking about the way Faith gasped when she caught us after the wedding."
"I was kinda trying to fuck you," I pointed out.
"Mm." He lay back, propping himself up on the pillows yet still watching me. "You still haven't done that."
"You also don't like to bottom," I reminded him. "And I'm not letting you distract me with your rock-hard abs."
Because with him lying like that, I had a very good view of them. The asshole even reached up to cross his arms behind his head, proving that his biceps had a very sexy bulge in them as well. The whole time, those blue eyes of his watched me, a hint of mischief glistening in them.
That was the man I loved. He was trouble in the best way, but so much more. I had a feeling he didn't mean to pose so seductively, but he also knew he was doing it. From the curl on his lips, he also liked my reaction. My eyes traveled across his body of their own volition, unwittingly making my point. I couldn't pretend like we had nothing.
Ash laughed softly. "This is my way of multi-tasking. Cy, you're right. There's no real discussion, because you're completely right. I'm not saying I'll reach for you first, but I won't jerk away if you reach for me. The more you do it, the more I'll return the gesture."
"Yeah?" I pulled off my shirt and then stood back up to get rid of my sweats. Ash's eyes followed and the asshole even licked his lips. "Quit," I told him. "We're trying to have a serious discussion."
"Mhm," he agreed. "Well, let me make this very serious for you. I'm not a public affection kind of guy. I learned not to do that because the person I wanted to wrap my arms around was the one I couldn't. I would be with some pretty thing, and I didn't give a shit about them because you were gone and she was just my 'friend.'" He paused. "Who's bothering you more, Luke or Vi?"
"Both," I admitted, as I climbed into the bed, aware that he knew me too well. "And when you take those briefs off, you might as well turn out the lights," I told him.
He just shook his head. "No, we're talking this out, Cy. Believe it or not, I like more than just your dick."
"I actually believe that," I assured him.
"Yeah, but being cute is harder for me than it is for them. I do hot. I do heavy. I don't do cute." He shrugged. "I'm not opposed, I'm just not good at it, but if that's what you want, I'm willing to try."
"No. We're supposed to be respectable until this is settled," I reminded him. "That's what I'm annoyed about, though. The fact that because we're both men, thenwehave to be respectable. Yes, I'm also terrified that I'm going to make a mistake. I know myself, and I know that I can distract myself with you, but it won't be child-safe. I also know that if I'm not distracting myself, something might come out, and Cessily made it clear that any of that could screw up Luke's case for Faith. The fact that she hadn't seen us kiss initially - even though she knew we were together - was a good thing."
"Fuck that," Ash grumbled. "You know as well as I do that Cessily wouldloveto fight that. Luke losing custody of his daughter - a girl whowantsto live with him - because his co-workers are gay?" He lifted a hand. "I'm keeping this simple, because that's how it would play out. But that would be the kind of thing Cess would jump all over."
"And Luke would still lose his daughter," I pointed out. "There's no good answer here, Ash. I honestly don't want to jeopardize Faith staying here. Just know that this is hard for me. It pisses me off that this is the way the world works, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm just scared to death that I'm going to fail and ruin all of us because of it."
He glanced down. "Well, I can tell you that right now it's getting pretty hard for me too."
Yeah, I laughed at his dumb joke. "Will you be serious for a moment?"
"I'm trying," he insisted. "Cy, I agree with you. Completely. I see you outside working with Luke, and I'll stand at the window a little too long just to watch you both. Violet had on my shirt the other day and I almost pulled her into my arms. We are a 'we,' and it feels wrong to hide it, but we have to. We can't risk losing Faith because that would destroy all of us - not just Luke. Still, I curl up on the couch with you and want to do a lot more than hold hands. It sucks that people want to judge us because of who we love, but they do. It's disgusting that our relationship has anything to do with Luke's custody, but it does. Iagree.I also know that we can't fix it in a month." Then he stood to push off his underwear. Naked, he crossed the room to the light switch, but paused before he flicked it down. "And I've been trying to stay out of your way."
"What?" I asked.
He turned off the lights and walked back to his side of the bed. "You and Luke," he said as he climbed under the blankets. "I seduced him. I gave him the chance to figure it out, and I played it up like I was taking one for the team. I wasn't. I couldn't keep my hands off him, and unlike you two, he didn't lash out at me when shit blew up. I get what he was thinking, and I never blamed him for what he said."
"Ok?" I wasn't quite sure what he was getting at.
"Now you can't keep your eyes off him," Ash said. "Cy, I get it. Sometimes I'm even jealous about it. This shiny new toy. This sexy cowboy, and he caught your eye. A voice in the back of my mind says you're mine. You were supposed to hurt so bad when I left and spend the rest of your life pining away for me. When I heard you were marrying Kindle, I thought you'd forgotten all about us, and then you blow into Southwind, and not a damned thing has changed. Worse, I hear that youdidpine away for me - and her. I got what I wanted, and there's this part of me that loves the fact that you couldn't let me go. It thinks that makes you mine, but you? You're not a toy to be fucked with like that. I love you, Cyan, and I'm trying to make up for my mistakes. I'm trying to stay out of your way so you can finally be happy."
"You make me happy," I told him.
He scooted closer and wrapped his hand around the back of mine. "So do they. I wanted you all to myself, and I got that, but I was too fucking stupid to stick around for it. So, right now, you get to make up for it. You fell in love with her so long ago and never told her. Now you've found the one man who seems to actually make you smile - well, besides me. You deserve that. No, I'm not giving you up, but I'll give you space to figure it out. I needed time, but Cy, so do you."
"I don't need time," I said, my words coming out soft. "I need us. That's what I'm trying to tell you. I need to know that this isn't a dream, this break isn't going to ruin it, and I'm not the pity fuck."
