"I'm fucking scared right now!" I snapped.
"I know," he said softly. "Fuck, Luke, I know."
Something about that finally allowed me to start talking. "I don't even know what all of this means. I came by to put away the equipment, and now I'm avoiding Violet. And I keep thinking about it."
"Thinking how?" he asked.
My answer came out as little more than a breath. "The feel of his beard."
"Yeah. Nothing like a woman. So different. So easy to notice, but it feels good." He pointed at my beer. "Keep drinking. It really does help, and I'll either carry you upstairs or drive you home."
"Why?" I asked. "Why are you, ofall people,being so nice to me all of a sudden? What's in it for you?"
He sighed. "No, I'm not getting dirt to use on you. I'm actually trying to help." And he lifted a hand before I could demand again to know why. "I'm about to dump a whole lot more shit on you, but just remember that you asked."
"Ok?"
"I'm in love with Violet. So's Cy. We used to talk about her all the time. We'd joke about how she was the only person who'd ever come between us, but only because we'd put her there. It was just a fantasy, though, because that shit doesn't really happen. Threesomes are in porn, not real life. Well, that was what we thought back then." He jerked his chin at me. "Ever had a threesome?"
"No."
"More fun than you'd imagine. Jumped on a few guys with Violet when we were younger. Had a pair of girls in London. Three of them in New York." He chuckled. "So it happened. Sadly, everything was easier when we were kids and listened to what everyone else said. You can only love one person at a time. Being faithful is all that matters. Cheating is the one thing that kills a relationship. If you're really in love, then you don't want anyone else. Any of that sound familiar?"
"Pretty much all of it," I said.
"It's all bullshit," he promised. "I've jumped from bed to bed, and still loved her. I loved Cy and still loved her. I thought I'd found the woman I was going to marry - and still loved her. And yeah, I almost proposed to Trina Yates. Pulled my head out of my ass before I gave her the ring, though."
"Ok?" I asked again, not sure where he was going with this.
"That woman you're so worried about is my best friend." Ash paused, lacing his hands before him. "And the man you kissed last night is the one that got away. I love him in a way that's not healthy. I love her in a way that makes it all better. And then here you come, and they both can't tear their eyes away. You're so busy thinking that you have to pick one or the other, and so worried that what you want could ruin your life, that you're going to make the same mistake I did. You're going to push someone away and spend the next thirteen years wondering what could've happened. You'll replay that one kiss until you've memorized every second, and it'll be too late. You'll convince yourself that it's ok because, see, you're straight, but there will always be a little spark in the middle of your heart that's sputtering, searing a hole in your chest, and you won't know how to fucking fix it."
I knew he was right. It made me feel better to know that I wasn't the only one to feel like this, but I hated it at the same time. That of all people, the one man who understood was the asshole who'd almost ruined it all. That Ashton was a fucking asshole, but dangerously beautiful at the same time. I hated that listening to him made it all sound so reasonable and easy.
No, not easy. Possible was a better word. Sane worked even better. Sitting there while he all but told me my own life story, acting like it was his, the fear finally began to fade. I wasn't the only one. I wasn't alone. Slowly, I looked over to find him watching, letting me work it all out, and there was nothing but honest concern on his face.
"I liked it," I finally said.
"Me too," he agreed. "I love being with men. I love how I don't have to worry about getting too rough, or how I can let them take charge. I also love being with women, because there's nothing as good as the feel of their curves pressed against me. Ever done anal?"
The question caught me off guard. "With a girl? Yeah?"
He chuckled. "Better with a man. Male G-spot's in the ass. Hit it, and he will cum so hard around you."
I shook my head. "Not into hairy asses."
"Really?" He looked at me like I was an idiot. "That's a reflex, and it's completely transparent. I mean, even women have hair back there if they're not waxing weekly."
Yeah, I was gonna lose this round, and I knew it. It also wasn't what I really wanted to know. I decided to start off with the biggest problem first. "How would I tell my daughter?"
"That's actually a question for Cy," he admitted. "He really is a professional. But, millions of kids find out their parents are gay, or leaving a wife for another man, or a husband for a woman. They're fine. She won't break. Just take it slow, don't jump the gun, and when you think she absolutely needs to know, then talk to her."
"How can I be sure?" I asked. "I'm with Violet! I'm not going to dump her because her friend shoved his tongue down my throat. And it happened so fast. What if I'm wrong? What if it was the rush of a new experience and not, you know, that? What if I'm freaking out about this for nothing?"
"You jack off last night?" he asked.
"No." Then I realized that wouldn't be enough. "I finished a bottle of Jack."
"Mm." He nodded at that. "Ok. You ever think about kissing a guy before? When you were a kid, maybe?"
