"Mm." He leaned back and smiled at nothing. "When I was a kid, I had a list of reasons why I was or wasn't like this. In my head, of course, because that shit's not safe to write down. Now? I realize that I knew because I justknew.Once I pushed aside all the things I thought I should be, or others wanted me to be, or even what I thought was right and wrong, I realized that I just kinda knew the truth deep down. The people who cared about me didn't care, and the ones who did weren't worth my time."
"It's not that easy," I told him. "I have a kid."
"You tell her all about you fucking Violet?"
My head snapped over. "How do you know about that?"
"She told me." He smiled. "Bragging would be a better word. And since we're dumping all of our shit right on your shoulders, let me just pile on. We lost our virginity together. Cy sucked my dick, I sucked his, but all the way? That was her. She knew about us. She tried to patch things up when we crashed and burned, and we both gave her far too many details. So, don't try to say she'd care, because she doesn't."
"And what's she going to think when I'm with her and kissing someone else?" I grabbed my beer again. "Regardless of who. The fact that I cheated?"
"He kissed you," Ash said softly. "That's not cheating, and if anyone gets in shit, it's Cy, but you already told her to kiss him. Why's this different?"
"It's different to her," I said.
Ash just laughed at that. "I promise I know her a lot better than you do. I can guarantee that this isn't even close to cheating on her radar. This is our shit getting slung your way. It's that look on your face that says you're not pissed because it happened. You're scared because you liked it. You're wondering if you're less of a man now, and I can promise you're not. You feel like everyone knows, like there's a big scarlet A in the middle of your forehead, and you want to hide it, but you also kinda want everyone to see. You're still sitting there because you're hoping I'm going to say something to make this easy, and I'm sorry, but it's not."
"What 'this?’" I asked.
"Realizing that you might not be completely straight."
I felt like someone had knocked the air from my lungs, but I refused to show it. My balls were already so far up in my body that I was pretty sure I could taste them in the back of my throat. I wanted to tell him he was wrong, but I couldn't figure out how to get a word out. I debated taking a drink to hide it, but I was pretty sure I'd choke. My stomach twisted, bile burned the back of my throat, but I just sat there, pretending like I was looking at the blue sky in the distance.
"Gonna puke?" he asked, reading me too well.
I shook my head, but that was all I had.
"Right now, your mind is jumping to all the bad things. How you're going to look your mother in the eye, what they'll think at church, and things like that." He finished his beer and leaned over to get another from the cooler. "I can promise that none of that will happen. Your mom won't ask where your dick's been. Your daughter won't wonder what you think about someone who walks down the street. Your girlfriend will listen for as long as you need and think you're stronger for facing it than running from it."
He twisted off the cap and sat back again with his beer resting on his thigh. "And then you'll be in the shower or in bed, and you'll close your eyes, wrap your hand around your dick, and think about him again. You'll dream of the way he kisses hard and takes what he wants. You'll jack off to the secret idea of his lips wrapped around you, and no one will know.
"Because no matter how hard you try to deny it, sometimes things happen that are meant to be. You're just going along with your life, and then, without any warning, you just collide with the person - or people - that you can't live without - and nothing will ever be the same again. Don't fight it. Fuck, trust me on that, because if you do, you'll regret it more than anything else."
Finally, I could manage a drink, so I splashed one back. That I didn't cough it back up counted as a success in my book. Ash paused, giving me the chance to say something, but when I didn't, he kept going.
"That man feels like shit. He kissed you to piss me off, but he wanted to. He'd been looking forward to when you showed up, and you made him feel good about himself. He thought you'd hate him for being into men, but you didn't. You taught him how to drive a tractor. I mean, he's got your fucking hat hanging off the mirror in his room, and he says it smells like you."
"Fuck," I breathed. "I can't do this." And I rocked forward.
"Sit. Your. Ass. Down," Ash snapped, pointing back at the chair.
Yeah, I sat.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Pressing one arm across my waist, I just hoped I didn't look as much like a pussy as I felt. "I can't do this."
"You kissed him back," Ash said again. "You can't sit there and lie to yourself. Not here. This is the one place on Earth where no one gives a shit if you're fucked up. We form a line and put our bodies in front of your secrets. Doesn't matter if that's Cy and me, Violet, or the colors you've never even met. That's the rules. This is home, Luke. This is where it's ok to ask and know that I won't breathe a fucking word, because sometimes life's shit, things suck, and you need to figure out your mess or it'll eat you from the inside out. So drink as many of those as you need. I'll get something stronger if it helps. Don't care, but we're talking about this."
So I tilted up my beer and downed the rest of it, chug after chug. It was too early to get drunk, but I had a feeling that if I tried to walk off, Ashton would finally get the chance to beat my ass into the ground. It almost sounded like a good idea. A way to make sure I didn't have to think about this, but it would be too hard to explain away. So, finally, I gave in.
"I can't be gay," I told him.
"Good. You're not gay. It's pretty clear you like women, and that rules out gay as an option." He offered me his newly opened beer. "Try again."
"I don't think of men that way."
"Nice one," he said, clearly meaning the deflection and not my actual point. "But you're at least curious about it. Maybe you heard that he fucked men and you wondered how that worked. Maybe you wanted to piss me off. All good options, but that wasn't where you went first. You fucking froze. You were hard enough for me to know how long you are. And those tight jeans make it even easier. Maybe you were scared, because Cy's not a little man, and fear sent the blood straight south. But you're not the kind of man to get scared."
