"Not really..." I hedged.
Ashton just shifted his eyes over to me, proving that I hadn't been subtle. "Sharing is caring, Luke."
Damn, but this guy was over the top at times. "Um," I tried. "It's always normal things. You know, when we were going into the closet as teens to make out. I'd wonder if I'd even know if I was kissing a guy. Or when I got fucked up and some buddy was carrying me to my truck. I'd be horny as shit and think about sucking on his neck. Stupid shit."
"Straight men don't do that," Ash said. "They just don't. No attraction at all, but no one ever wants to talk about how rare it really is for someone to be completely straight. Just look at history. Spartans used to suck each other off if they lost in a fight. Like, training. They thought swallowing another man's cum made them stronger. And Greeks? They had a whole society around loving young men and boys. The fucking's actually the easy part. The kissing?"
"What about it?"
"That's when you know you've crossed that line. When you want to feel a man's lips on yours. That's when it's not about getting off. Kissing is intimate. It's personal. It's romantic. It's what you do when you want a person, not to blow your load." He paused. "You ok, cowboy?"
I just nodded. "Yeah. I just don't know what you think I'm going to do about any of this."
"What do you want to do?" he asked.
"Figure out how to tell Violet because I'm shit at keeping secrets? Um, yeah. I'm just hoping that telling her I kissed the guy she lives with isn't going to get my ass kicked to the curb."
"It's not," he said again. "But that's you being a chickenshit. What the fuck do youwant, Luke? In a perfect world where everyone's cool with this. What the fuck do you really want?"
"I don't even know if I liked it," I told him. "I'd barely realized I was in the wrong place when he was on me, and maybe it was a habit. Maybe I just - "
"Stop." Ash sighed. "Just stop. You were doing so good, and you just spiraled back. I know you're not straight. Cy knows you're not. Want a term for it? Fine. Bi-curious. Does that help?"
I pushed myself out of the chair and thrust the bottle back at him. "No. It doesn't solve the shit that matters, and feeling good or bad about it doesn't change a damned thing. I'm with Violet. I'm not planning to leave her, and I'm sure as shit not leaving her for some man. Paul Simmons would fire me, I'd lose visitation with my daughter, and the things that actually do matter would go up in smoke. So, all of your sweet little bromance shit here doesn't do me a damned bit of good."
"Then what would?" he shot back.
"Tell me how to fucking fix this!"
"What is there to fix?" he demanded. "Go on, Luke. Spell it out for me. Violet doesn't know, and Cy will take the blame when she does. None of us are going to say shit to your boss or your ex. There's no way anyone will drop that on a child! What the fuck needs to be fixed? What's the magic bullet that's going to make you stop looking like you want to just run and never stop?"
"I don't even know if I liked it!" I yelled at him. "I don't know how to know. I don't know how to ask. I don't fucking know how to talk about it, ok? I always thought I was normal, and now I'm second-guessing every time I've looked at a guy. I'm wondering if it was a one-off, or if I was confused, or... shit." I threw up my hands. "I don't know. I just don't fucking know, because that shit doesn't happen to me, and I'm not lying in the grass falling in love. I'm standing here, trying to make sense of two seconds, and my biggest concern is that I'm going to fuck it all up, ruin my life, and find out that I didn't like it after all."
Ash stood while I was ranting, his eyes watching me, but he didn't try to make me stop. He just nodded a few times, making it clear he was listening. Slowly, he stepped toward me. Then again. When he grabbed my arm, I inhaled to keep going, but he finally shook his head.
"Close your eyes, Luke," he said, his voice so gentle. "You want to know? Close your eyes and please don't hit me."
I let my lids slip down and waited. My heart was beating faster, because I knew what he was going to do. The feel of his palm against my neck wasn't actually a surprise. However, I wasn't expecting his hand on my chest. Then he pressed his brow against mine.
"You are a beautiful man," he said softly. "A good man. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm also not going to stop you."
Then he pressed his lips to mine. Unlike Cy, his face was smooth, but not like a woman's. I pressed in, parting my lips. Our tongues collided halfway between his mouth and mine, then he tilted his head a little more. I grabbed his arm, pulling him closer. Then he tugged my head in, and I didn't fight it.
Ashton was all hard lines and sharp edges. That made the feel of him relaxing into me even more alluring. It was like holding a lion by the tail, waiting for it to lash out. I knew this was dangerous, but I couldn't stop. My other hand found the back of his head, our lips moved, and our tongues fought for control. There was a give and take, but no clear leader. He was all man, and there was something about it that made me want a little more.
I kissed him. My body curled around his, and he wrapped his arm around my back. His fingers held me too hard. When he gasped, it sounded too deep, but I still drank it in. This man was nothing like Cy, and yet it was still there. That rush. That feeling of insanity, like I was on a runaway horse and heading for a cliff.
"Fuck," I breathed between kisses.
And Ash moaned, dropping his hand between us. Then I felt his fingers slide down my dick, wrapping around it through my jeans. This time, I gasped, but I didn't want him to stop. I wanted him to rub a little harder. I needed to push him against the closest wall, but I was pretty sure I'd be the one pressed against it.
"Yeah," he whispered against my lips. "I think you like that."
"Shut up," I told him.
Then he stroked me, using the heel of his hand. I bit his lip, but that didn't make him stop. Instead, he smiled around it and kissed me even harder. For just a moment, nothing else mattered. This felt right. This was me, and I was someplace where that was ok. I claimed his mouth again, lifting my other hand to his chest, and he grabbed my belt, pulling my hips against his. Then he thrust, his dick sliding right against mine.
"Oh. Wow..." That was my thought, but the words weren't mine.
