Bella stirred in her arms and when the fussing didn’t stop, Monica latched the baby to her breast, wincing at the obvious discomfort at first. ‘Whenever you tried to get through to me, I wasn’t interested. I pushed you away. It almost made me worse– I’m not blaming you, but it did – I was so frustrated, so jealous that you were completely together.’
Nadia waited until the baby was feeding. ‘I wasn’t all that together, you know.’
‘Are you kidding me? While I kept making mistakes, you never did.’
‘I did well at school but I struggled with friendships sometimes, with things at home. It wasn’t always easy worrying about you, worrying about Mum.’
‘I was in a bad place. I was selfish; I could only think about myself.’ Monica looked down at Bella. ‘I can’t be that person now; I have to be more. I was doing so well, but then the pregnancy…’
She didn’t carry on straight away, her focus stayed on Bella. It must be difficult to talk so candidly after all this time. It certainly was for Nadia.
‘You used to ask me about school and how things were going,’ said Monica. ‘I shut you down every single time. I was embarrassed, I felt helpless. I was so behind with my work and the more behind I got, the more I rebelled, the more I didn’t want my big sister having to swoop in and fix everything. It became easier to joke and have a laugh at school than it was to admit I was still struggling. I was a hopeless case; that’s what I told myself. And even though Mum went up to school often enough, got me the help I needed with a tutor, I still felt like a failure. I didn’t always turn up for those tutor sessions either which was terrible. I apologised to Mum for doing that.’ She smiled at Nadia’s reaction. ‘You seem shocked.’
‘I never knew, that’s all. But it’s nice to know you apologised.’
‘Well, I did. And I told her that the way I was wasn’t anything for her to feel bad about.’
Nadia couldn’t check her sister’s claims but something in the way she spoke told Nadia it was the truth even before she said the next thing.
‘Mum spent a lot of time trying to sort me out. I’ll never truly forgive myself for that, you know. But I didn’t see it, Nadia. Not until it was too late.’ When she looked up from Bella, her gaze didn’t waver. ‘I didn’t see that I was taking all of Mum’s energy, all of her compassion. You were almost her equal, when you should’ve had time being mothered. And I will always hate myself for that.’
‘Hate is a strong word.’
‘Well, I do. I wish I’d been able to see it then but I couldn’t.’
Nadia wasn’t going to say it was okay, because it wasn’t. But was there any point getting upset and angry now?
The way Monica was looking at her was completely different from the way her sister had looked at her over the years, as if waiting for a reaction, to gauge how much trouble she’d caused. Now she looked expectant, nervous, when previously, she’d had an air of confidence and hopeful one-upmanship.
Monica shushed the baby as she finished feeding. She looked such a natural at being a mother that it almost tipped Nadia’s emotions over; this was the part of her sister that she’d never seen, never had a chance to know.
‘I wanted to find you, Nadia, and at least tell you that I was sorry for the way I was back then, for taking all of Mum’s time, for not being the sister you deserved.’ Her voice broke and she hid the fact behind a cuddle with Bella, gently placing her against her chest to rub her little back. ‘And I wanted to apologise for Archie, for the way we got together when you and he… You were friends and more than that, you’d been together. And you two…’
‘We lost a baby.’ Nadia finished what she thought her sister might be about to say.
The nurse came to check on them and ask Monica about the feeding and how it was going and Nadia excused herself to use the bathroom. She didn’t need to go at all, but what she did need was to get a bit of breathing space. She found the bathrooms, then a corridor that looked out onto the car park, an open space beyond the walls. And she stayed there a while, letting what her sister had said sink in. She was apologising, she was sorry, she had regret. But was it enough?
When she went back in, Bella was settled in the little plastic crib beside the bed, bundled up in a pink blanket, her little mouth the perfect ‘o’ as she slept.
‘Was I gone that long?’
‘I did wonder if you were ever coming back.’ Monica was sitting up; she fussed at the sheets across her, a smile curving her mouth and at odds with the sad tone of her voice.
Nadia perched on the edge of her sister’s bed, past the middle, but so that she could reach into the plastic crib and touch the baby’s wrapped torso if she wanted. ‘I know you tried to find me once before,’ said Nadia. And that was another thing convincing her that her sister meant every word she said, every attempt at an apology. ‘Archie told me.’
Tears sprang unbidden to Monica’s eyes and her voice wobbled so much, she struggled to say anything else and when Nadia offered her a tissue, she covered her eyes rather than wiping them and gave in to her feelings.
Once she was calmer, Monica told Nadia more about the wave of postnatal depression she’d experienced after Giles was born.
‘I felt so hopeless, guilty that I wasn’t feeling the joy I should be with a new baby. I felt weak, not worthy of Archie or Giles. Eventually, the doctor came out to our home and he was wonderful, really understanding. I think Archie was so lost untilthat home visit. But I was able to access the right support and over time, I got better.’
‘What happened this time? To make you leave your son, your husband, take the risk with your unborn child and come here?’
Monica’s head was resting on the pillow and she turned to look up at the ceiling. Nadia waited. She didn’t want to rush this; she wanted the truth. They both needed it.
‘I don’t think… no, IknowI wasn’t prepared to feel the way I did with this pregnancy. Archie and I were wary of what would happen once the baby came; we felt prepared because it happened with Giles. I never expected it to happenduringmy pregnancy. My GP had moved on so I’d lost the continuity of care. I felt good in the early stages but as I got to my third trimester, I started to feel much more anxious. I put it down to being a mother, the pregnancy hormones. I thought that if I got through the nine months, that would be when I’d have to take stock and deal with depression again. Guess the joke was on me; depression found me before I thought it would.’
‘And you just packed your bags and left.’
