‘I was unbelievably sad. And it was a sadness I couldn’t claw my way out of; I couldn’t see reason. Logic told me I had a gorgeous little boy, a wonderful marriage. But those things were buried by the thought that I had no extended family because I’d driven you, the only one left, away. I became obsessed by everything that happened when we were younger; I couldn’t let it go. I’d try to talk to Archie but he had work, Giles, and he said we’d concentrate on the baby first then after he or she arrived, we’d think about everything else.
‘I felt so alone; I had this overwhelming need to come here, to try to find you. I wasn’t intending on staying so long. But when I found no trace of you, I just felt like I’d failed again. So I pushed it, I stayed, thought I had plenty of time. I wasn’t thinking clearly at all.’
All those years they’d lost, all the time she’d been a different person to the sister Nadia remembered. The pain Nadia felt knowing that was crushing. ‘I can’t begin to understand what it was like for you.’
Monica pushed the wobble out of her voice. ‘It has been hard. And all I wanted was for us to get to know each other again, to have you back in my life. But I knew I couldn’t blame you. I was awful to you; I wasn’t much of a sister. I was hard work, stubborn, obstinate – all of those things. On top of that, I was angry at how I struggled over the years. I wanted to be a better person. Even though I could see myself how others did, I still didn’t seem able to change.
‘My relationship with Archie happened in a whirlwind. I knew I was playing with fire; I often questioned whether that was why I’d done it. You had a wonderful friendship with him even after you two broke up; I’d heard about it from Mum. She was always saying Nadia this, Archie that, and yes, I was jealous. But that wasn’t why I fell for Archie, I promise you.’
Nadia couldn’t speak; she still remembered the hurt that day finding them together.
‘It took time to settle into life with Archie after you left and after I came here but couldn’t find you. I felt undeserving, regretful; I felt so many things. We started to get more serious, Archie and me. I eventually found a job in hospitality and when I did, I felt like I’d found a little bit of myself I didn’t realise was missing, I was happy. I had so many hobbies, too. I took up hiking, went bike riding, swimming. In my darker days, my interests really only centred around drinking and smoking dope.’ She said the last bit in a very quiet voice. ‘I haven’t done that in almost two decades. The odd glass of wine, but that’s it.’
‘I’m glad.’ And she was. But talking about Archie was still difficult; it was hard to hear all this when she and Archie hadonce been together. ‘Giles tells me you still do some creative things these days.’
Monica smiled, probably glad to talk about something lighter if only for a moment. Perhaps their getting to know each other again would come in waves, with big peaks, and then calmer shores. ‘He’s my biggest supporter. As well as being so active, I started painting again eventually, and these days I also draw a lot and I sew.’
‘I was always useless at those sorts of things.’ Nadia laughed.
‘I find it therapeutic; it’s an escape. It worked well over the years to help me cope. When I couldn’t find you, I felt like that silly little girl who couldn’t read as well as others in class, who handed in all her assignments late, who was ridiculed when some girl at school got hold of one of my essays and they were falling about laughing at my letter muddling. Archie enrolled me in an evening class to do needlework, I went to appease him, and ended up realising it was exactly what I needed.’
‘I wish you’d told me the other kids were mean to you about your struggles.’
She shrugged. ‘I developed a thick skin. But also an attitude. Not proud of the second part.’ She leaned over and opened the top drawer of her cabinet, pulled out a bag and opened it to retrieve a photograph. She handed it to Nadia.
‘It’s your wedding day. You look stunning.’ She did, she was beautiful, she looked happy and so did Archie.
‘My only disappointment that day was not sharing it with my sister. But Archie, well, you know Archie; he’s been there for me in ways I never thought a guy could ever be there.’
‘He’s a good man.’
‘I never meant to take him away from you. I promise you that wasn’t what I thought at all when I first got talking to him. At first, I saw my sister’s friend, then we started hanging out and I forgot that he was your friend and got to know him as his ownperson. We both knew we had to tell you. I never meant it to come out the weekend you caught us at Mum’s.’
‘You didn’t do that on purpose?’
‘No, I had no idea you’d show up when you did.’
‘But it was a bonus, right?’ Nadia felt nausea rise up. Talking about Archie seemed to chip away at the worst part of their relationship, the utter devastation and sense of betrayal she’d felt back then when she lost her best friend to her sister.
‘I admit that yes, it was, at least for a moment. I reverted to that horrible person, not the person I was with Archie. My first reaction was to feel happy that you were hurt by us being together; it felt like payback for all the nagging, the way you saw me as trouble. It didn’t matter whether I was being fair or not. I felt like I had one up on you. That lasted all of about five minutes – a high like you get from a drug that is a false reality, then real life crashes down.’
Nadia tried to digest it but it was hard, sitting here going over the past, trying to move on when a lot of it still hurt.
‘I’m really sorry, Nadia. About everything. I know an apology can only go so far, but I really want to try.’
But Nadia couldn’t say anything else, not yet.
She had to get out of here.
And in tears, she turned and abruptly left the ward.
25
Hudson felt the tug on the end of his line and the two young boys to his right on the small boat, neither of whom had caught anything yet, watched in awe as he reeled it in.
They weren’t experts in fishing – far from it – and it had been so long since Hudson and Beau had been, but before they left the house to drop Carys at her grandparents’ yesterday evening, Hudson had reserved their camping pitch and booked them on a fishing trip today. It was a boat trip for beginners so would be a starting point to getting back into it. Hudson’s only regret now was that he’d let this aspect of his relationship with Beau slide. In the business of everyday life, he’d forgotten the simplicity of doing something like this, the joy it gave.
‘Dad, it’s huge!’ Beau got closer to investigate Hudson’s catch and abandoned his own attempt for now.
