That was what she was dreading the most: the fear that any chance she gave Monica would be pointless. And it was hard to talk herself down from that, to make herself open and able to listen.
‘Hi.’ Monica’s voice was small, soft, a buffed version of what it had once been.
‘Hi.’ She turned her attentions to Bella; it was the easiest thing to do. ‘She’s beautiful.’
‘Thank you. She really is.’
‘Is she feeding okay?’
‘A little fussy at first but we’re getting the hang of it. I’m a bit sore, though.’ She winced as if reminded of the pain.
‘Did the nurses give you something to apply?’
‘They did.’
Nurse-speak was far easier than sister-speak right now.
‘Did Giles behave himself with you last night?’ Monica asked eventually. Their attentions had been on Bella and her little mannerisms she’d adopted at less than twenty-four hours old.
‘He enjoyed himself.’
‘Ah, code for very little sleep. I could tell; he was yawning.’
‘I’m sorry, I?—’
‘I’m not complaining, I promise. I’m not having a go at you, I swear.’ The words rushed out in defence, little gasps of breaths between the punctuated sentences suggesting Monica was more apprehensive about this than Nadia was herself.
‘Sorry, I just expect…’
‘Conflict? Yeah, well, we spent so long in that state that I can understand why.’
She sounded grown up. She was, of course. They both were.
‘A sleepover would’ve been such an adventure for him. He’s like I was at that age. I still remember my first.’
‘At Debbie Mason’s house.’ Nadia grinned.
‘You remember?’
‘You fell asleep in our Wendy house the morning after. You were so quiet and out of sight that Mum and I were searching the house for you. She hadn’t thought to check in there, at groundlevel, because usually, you made enough noise that her ears told her where you were at all times.’
Their smiles and laughter settled. ‘Well, thank you for taking Giles. It could have been a really stressful day and evening for him following the weeks of hell I’ve put him and Archie through, so I really do appreciate it. He likes you.’
‘And I like him. He’s wonderful, Monica.’
She nodded, held back tears.
Nadia wasn’t sure whether to ask her question – she didn’t want to ignite a fuse that would burn quickly and then explode – that was usually what confrontation did to her sister – but she had to know. ‘What made you leave them behind and then not get in touch?’
‘It’s hard to explain.’
‘You could try.’ Nadia turned away. ‘Maybe you did try over the years and I never understood you.’
‘Oh, no, do not take any blame for me. I shoulder all of that and all of the guilt. Have done for years and rightly so.’
‘Archie said you struggled with depression for a while. I know you did as a teenager.’
‘It’s been on and off for me. Mostly off thankfully, but not always. After you left, with Mum gone too, I felt lost, alone, guilty, not good enough. I knew I only had myself to blame for most of it. That was the worst thing. I thought I deserved what I got pretty much all of the time. Even at school, once I’d struggled, it was hard to break out of that mould and be anything other than the kid who got crappy grades, the kid who was slower than others.’
