I scuffed at the snow with the tip of my shoe. ‘So, what is this? A hello or a goodbye?’
‘Maybe both.’ He took a step towards me, leaving only one between us.
I tried to remind myself it wasn’t true. That the gulf between us was much greater. But I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t remember the reasons why I shouldn’t cross that last half a yard between us. I tried to tell myself it was the cider, but I knew better: it was the last few days. It was seeing Blake now and simply knowing who he was. Not all the subtler shades of him, but the essence. I had discovered my sense of him, and that made it impossible to keep my distance.
Just as I was about to take the final step towards him, the pub door flew open. Cody poked out his head, wearing a small sparkly hat. ‘Mabel, three—’ He stopped as he caught sight of Blake. ‘Oh, a friend of yours?’
I opened my mouth, but Blake beat me to the punch. ‘No, I’m nobody. And nobody is leaving now.’
I knew what he was referring to. That night in the chapel, when Norah had walked in on us. Our second little glimpse through the window. I wondered if it had also occurred to Blakethat we only pulled back the curtain when we were alone– never in front of other people.
‘You don’t have to go,’ I said, although I knew it made no sense. Even ignoring the fact that the deal was ending, Davie was in the pub, and given his history with the Starlings, I was pretty sure I knew how he’d feel about it. And so did Blake, of course.
‘Yes, I do. It’s almost midnight.’ He took a step forward. I hated knowing that he wasn’t walking towards me but past me. ‘All the best, Mabel.’
His hand brushed mine, and I grasped it. ‘Don’t call me that,’ I whispered.
He smiled, bending down until his mouth grazed my temple. Fleetingly, and yet so close that I felt the words on myskin–and somehow, a moment later, beneath it. ‘Happy New Year, Pica.’
I sensed them carve themselves into my mind, the memory born even as the moment lingered. ‘It was good toseeyou, Heathcliff,’ I whispered back, and I watched him as he walked off down the empty, snowy lane until the night had swallowed up his shadow. I wished it would take the strange feeling inside me, too.
Back in the pub, I found Davie at our table. He had two glasses of champagne in front of him, one of them already half empty.
I took my seat next to him with a frown. ‘What…’ My voice trailed off as I followed his gaze outside. In a flash, all the colour drained from my face. ‘I didn’t know he was coming. It was a coincidence.’ Davie was staring at me so expressionlessly that, reluctantly, I went on. ‘I did tell you we knew each other a bit. Because of the research. Like we agreed.’
‘The way you looked at him–that’s definitely not what we agreed. I would never have allowed that, because that’s absolutely the last thing I want.’
The lump in my throat was back, and this time its edges were sharp. I wasn’t sure exactly what had put it there. Maybe it was simply the realisation that this conversation would destroy something. ‘You don’t have to worry about me. I’m being careful.’
‘It’s not about that.’ He ran a hand over his head, resting it on the back of his neck. ‘I mean, obviously I’m worried. But…it’s not about that.’
There was something worse than being hurt. Nothing was more awful than knowing you’d hurt someone you loved. Because sometimes, loving someone wasn’t enough. Not when it was a different kind of love to what the other person wanted.
‘Davie.’ I made to reach for his hand, but at the last second I drew back.
He smiled dully. ‘I know. I’m an idiot.’
‘You’re not. It’s just… you’re my best?—’
‘Don’t say it, please.’
‘But it’s true. You know how much you mean to me.’
‘Yes, I do. And I know it’s enough, but right now it doesn’t feel that way.’ Gradually he turned his face to mine. The mottled glow of the fairy lights above us was splashed across his features. ‘Seeing you with him feels like shit, for several reasons. You know as well as I do, Mabel. Surely it’s obvious he can’t be a good person if he’s mixed up in this crap.’
All around us, people were beginning the countdown, but neither Davie nor I moved. It didn’t really matter that the year was ending: we weren’t going to leave this behind us. Part of me was afraid we’d never fully shake it off, no matter how much time passed. I understood that Davie wasn’t just hurt, he also felt betrayed. And I wished I could explain to him that Blake wasn’t part of what we were fighting. But how do you explain something when your only argument is gut feeling?
‘And what if there are no good people?’ I asked softly. ‘Only good or bad decisions?’
Davie sneered. ‘Did he tell you that?’
‘No. It’s just something I’ve been thinking lately.’
‘Maybe it’s what you want to believe. You’re looking for an excuse to like him,’ Davie snapped, reaching for my glass.
I almost snatched it out of his hand. I would have done anything to wash his words away, because I was all too aware of how true they tasted. ‘Maybe.’ My voice was lost in the din that erupted around us. People laughing, jumbled shouting, hugging. Sparklers fizzed at the edges of my vision, and somebody got up onto a table to sing an off-key rendition of ‘Auld Lang Syne’. I hadn’t felt this quiet in a long time.
After a while, Davie took my hand. ‘Just be careful. This isn’t going to end well, and I think you’re smart enough to realise that.’
