I swallowed. ‘Yeah. And I also know that what I see in him doesn’t change what I see inthem. I’m still ready to do whatever it takes to figure out what’s going on with the League.’
‘Even if you have to betray him to do it?’
As conflicted as my feelings were for Blake, my answer was clear. ‘Yes. This is about Zoe. It’s about… everything. If we’re right, then we can’t let them get away with this. Any of them.’
Davie nodded slowly. ‘Okay. Good.’
He tried to pull his hand away, but I held on tight. Part of me was scared that if I let go now, I might lose him for good. ‘I really am sorry, Davie. I should have said something before, or?—’
‘It’s fine. Don’t shut me out, okay? I’ll be all right.’ He smiled, again pulling back his hand. This time I forced myself to let go. Anything else would have been unfair, and probably no use anyway. If there was one thing I’d learnt, it was that clinging on to something doesn’t shield you from loss. Life always has a stronger grip.
‘You sure?’ I asked uncertainly.
‘Absolutely.’ He grinned at me over the rim of his glass, the smile a bit more genuine now. ‘I’ll just focus on how much of a pain in the arse you can be.’
My laugh sounded jarring. ‘Right back at you. But maybe I should get going anyway. We’ll talk… soon?’
‘Sure.’ He smiled a little self-consciously, but then shuffled closer and gave me a hug. Brief but tight. ‘Happy New Year, Mabel,’ he murmured into my ear. ‘May it get off to a less shitty start than the way the last one ended.’
The words lingered in my mind as I said my goodbyes and stepped at last into the outside world. The silence of the vacant city settled itself around me, even as a dull echo of the music thudded in my ears, Davie’s words ran through my head, and my chest was alive with the emotions Blake’s arrival had stirred up.
I couldn’t fully agree with what Davie had just said. Yes, the last few months had been extremely stressful and confusing. They’d been frightening in all sorts of different ways. But they had been more than that.Ihad been more. I had felt more than I’d let myself feel in a very long time.
Saying goodbye to Blake had been the only right thing to do. The only logical thing. Whatever this thing was between us, it had no future; it didn’t even truly exist in the present. It was just a secret we had shared, a fleeting illusion woven out of possibilities that weren’t really possible at all, because our lives were made out of two utterly different fabrics. It would never hold: it would tear the moment we reached for it.
I knew this, and yet I was on the verge of tears. Right here, right now, outside a loud, thumping, brightly lit pub in the middle of a snowstorm on New Year’s Eve. It didn’t feel like a new beginning to me. More like the end of something that had barely even begun but that I didn’t want to lose. It wasn’t just about the days we’d shared, it was the moments Blake and I had spent together since the start of term. He had challenged me, irritated me, frustrated me and maddened me and… touched me. In so many ways. He had made me think and made me feel. Not through what he did but what he was. Through what his nearness brought out in me.
Seeing Blake–our wayof seeing–was like looking in a mirror. I recognised parts of myself I’d tried for years to keep concealed, even from myself.
Something about him made me feel whole, for the first time in so long. Not because he completed me, but because he reminded me that I was more than I’d allowed myself to be, until now. I liked seeing this reflection of myself. I liked seeingme. Especially–and I knew how dangerous it was–with him.
This was my own personal window moment. The truth I couldn’t hide from myself, and didn’t want to. And no matter what the obstacles might be, I wasn’t ready yet to close the curtains.
Chapter20
Mabel
My footfalls echoed in the hall, my heartbeat in my ears. Blake’s door at the end of the corridor was ajar. Taking a deep breath, I made my way towards it and knocked on the wood. Before I could enter, I heard an irritable voice from inside: ‘Just come in, you always do anyway.’
I felt like turning back. The fact that he’d just buzzed me in downstairs should have alerted me, but it was obvious now he was expecting someone else. And why shouldn’t he be? I wasn’t even sure myself what I was doing here. This was madness, yet again. What did it say about me that it felt like the only solid ground beneath my feet?
Before I could decide what to do, the door opened. ‘I thought you were still in—’ Blake froze when he saw me.
I forced a teasing look onto my face. ‘I’m so sorry, apparently I’m not who you were expecting.’
‘No.’ He hesitated, running a hand through his hair. It was still damp with snow, like the scarf hanging from the peg behind him. ‘There’s really only one person who shows up unannounced at this time of night.’
Suddenly the heat rushed to my face. God, why hadn’t that occurred to me? Strange as Blake might seem to me, he was a twenty-three-year-old man. Obviously he’d have someone forthat. ‘Oh.’ I cleared my throat and took a step back. ‘It’s fine, forget it I?—’
‘I meant Ashton. He spends the night on the sofa from time to time,’ he broke in, unflustered. Still, I saw the tiny smirk, and my cheeks burnt even more fiercely.
‘Oh,’ I repeated–very imaginative, Mabel–and picked at the fluff on my scarf to avoid his eye. ‘Do you think he’ll come over tonight?’
‘No, he’s obviously still in Cornwall with the others.’
I nodded slowly. ‘Okay.’
The light went out, but neither of us moved. Blake was leaning against the doorframe, I was a few steps away. The darkness soothed my pulse, and I breathed more deeply. This was better. I could see him more clearly in the dark, I could see myself and what was beginning to feel like an us. I could seewhat had made me come here.
