People like Heathcliff are idiots, Blake wrote.
Not always, I replied, with a smile I only allowed myself in the solitude of my darkened room.
We were something I didn’t understand. I shouldn’t have liked him, I should have been afraid of him, and I definitely shouldn’t have trusted him. I knew that, but what Ifeltwas another matter. I felt myself becoming more relaxed with every sentence, every shared word, every flicker of the screen, every moment spent staring at those three little dots. It was like we’d known each other forever, and so well that I never felt awkward with him. We texted about everything–except what mattered most. Nothing about Ashton or Zoe, nothing about anything connected to them. The period between Christmas and New Year was one long, warmly lit in-between, and it belonged to us. I knew that as soon as the university sprang back to life in the new year, the fragile lull would end. I had let Blake into my life, into my thoughts and my emotions, I had tried to forget he was one of the Starlings, but it was a compromise that couldn’t work long-term. And I kept telling myself that was fine.
Together we had found a refuge, burrowing down so deeply that we knew at any moment we could be buried in a landslide. It was only a question of who, out of all the people around us, set it off.
Chapter19
Mabel
My reflection in the windowpane was dotted with white flakes. The snow had thickened just in time for New Year’s Eve, and the blanketed asphalt glinted in the orange glow of the last Christmas lights.
Suppressing a yawn, I looked away. By now the nook was empty except for me, because everybody else in the pub wasalready on their feet, chatting, laughing and counting down the minutes until midnight. Davie had persuaded me to come. I hadn’t seen him for weeks, after all, and though the new term was a while off, he’d come back early–I suspected out of pity for me, which I hated. And Zoe. She was spending most of January with her family. Though she had responded curtly with a ‘Fine’ when I plucked up the courage to text her to ask how it was going. The fact that she even responded gave me some encouragement, at least, for when she returned.
I clicked again on the chat with Blake, staring in frustration at the single tick next to the question I’d sent him two hours ago, asking what he and Aspen were up to that night.
‘Everything okay?’
I hurried to lock the screen, glancing up at Davie with a heavy sense of guilt. He didn’t know, of course, that I was in touch with Blake. He would have asked for news about theLeague, and I would have had to confess–to the both of us– that I hadn’t really given it much thought lately.
I pushed out a smile. ‘Just a bit tired. I did warn you I wouldn’t be the best company today.’
Davie slid into the booth next to me. He was clutching a half-empty red ale, and his cheeks were flushed the same colour as the booze. ‘You’re always the best company as far as I’m concerned.’
‘Just how drunk are you?’ The teasing note in my voice wavered as I saw the warmth in his eyes. Like the warmth of his hand, resting only centimetres from mine on the seat. I pulled mine back, reaching for my glass of cider to give myself an alibi.
Davie took a deep breath. ‘Mabel, I?—’
‘Fifteen minutes to go, people!’ Cody appeared so suddenly at our table that Davie spilt some of his beer. Blond hair tousled around his face, shirt half open. I’d known him for about a year as Davie’s neighbour and colleague at the paper, but I’d never seen him as hammered as he was tonight. He was gazing at us aghast, tapping an imaginary watch on his wrist. ‘Chop-chop. Get yourselves some champagne, or at least some nicer glasses for your beers!’ Then he was gone, moving on to the next table to make the same announcement.
‘I think Cody’s forgetting which one of you is the Commander.’
Davie rolled his eyes. ‘He’s an idiot. But he’s right. I’ll get us something to toast with.’
‘Go for it.’ I followed him as he slid out of the booth. ‘I need a breath of fresh air. Otherwise I’ll be nodding off by midnight.’
Outside, Cambridge seemed nearly lifeless. A few windows were lit, leaking candlelight or the silver speckles of a disco ball, but otherwise there was only the milky brilliance of the lanterns, cast across the snowy tarmac. I tilted back my head, waiting for the December air to finally sweep away the nagging urge to call Blake.
Exasperated, I turned on my heel–but froze when I saw the figure leaning against the building next to the pub. I recognised him even before he broke away from the wall and came slowlytowards me. I knew by how it made me feel: surprised and…relieved.
Blake pushed the snow-laden hair back from his face, giving me a cautious smile. ‘Hi.’
I stared, dumbfounded. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Aspen left for her friend’s a bit early, so I thought I’d come back to college early, too.’ Blake stopped two steps away from me, hands hidden in his coat pockets.
I wondered if it was because he was hoping I’d reach out for him. And I did want to: to touch him, hold him… kiss him. Simply because we’d done it last time, and I couldn’t grasp that there could ever be a time I hadn’t thought about it.
I folded my hands in front of my stomach, which lurched gently. ‘This isn’t a coincidence, is it? You knew I was here.’
Blake shrugged, but his eyes never left my face. ‘I wanted to see you, at least for a moment, before… the year ends.’
A lump was forming in my throat. ‘You mean, before our deal ends.’
His smile faltered. ‘Yes.’
It was absurd how much it stung, even though I knew it was coming. We had only allowed ourselves this shared respite from the world because we’d agreed in advance how it would end. Because we knew there was no other choice. Yet here I was, listening to the muffled roar of laughter and music and voices drifting from the pub, and hearing nothing but the beating of my heart. It thudded slowly, as if it didn’t want to let the moment go. As if it didn’t want to lethimgo.
