James nodded and pulled Leon somehow tighter against his chest. “I promise, baby, I hear you. I won’t say it tonight.”
That sounded believable enough. Now that that was settled, Leon decided he’d earned a little of his favorite snuggling. Heshimmied around in James’ arms until he became the little spoon. James allowed this with little fuss, because he was the most amazing boyfriend Leon had ever had. No wonder he loved him.
As he always did, James only lasted a few minutes before he began to fidget. He stroked his fingers over the octopus on Leon’s shoulder, and then down the skyscraper right over his spine.
“Weren’t you going to let me design a tattoo for you?” James murmured.
“Oh fuck, you’re right.” He had promised to message his tattoo artist six weeks after his first sleepover with James. Now that he thought about it, he was pretty sure he had snoozed that calendar reminder into oblivion. Fucking ADHD. “You wanted it on my forearm?”
“Yeah,” James said, lifting up one of Leon’s arms. He traced unknowable patterns into it and then drew a large heart. “I think it should be a heart with my name on it.”
“No,” Leon said, the word coming too quickly, too naturally, after saying it to Hailey’s shenanigans for the past few years.
James’ entire body tensed.
That hadn’t been what Leon had said to Hailey earlier. He’d let her go, even though they could have stopped her and insisted on driving.
As if reading Leon’s thoughts, James let out a shaky breath. “We didn’t know we needed to stop them. How could we know how it was going to turn out like that, but…even so, I…I still feel like maybe…I should’ve somehow seen the future and stopped her.”
“James–”
“The whole time we were driving there, all I could think was I should have insisted we drive them,” James said, his voice tumbling and breaking in on itself. “The Subaru can handlemuch better, and then we could have dropped them off, and come back, and then…then I could have… But no, instead we were driving to the scene of a car crash, and I just kept thinking what if…what if she was hurt and you… It would be my fault.”
James sobbed, and his entire body convulsed. He tried to push away from Leon, but there was no fucking way he was letting that happen. Leon rolled over so fast it took his vision a moment to catch up.
“Nothing is your fault, darlin’,” Leon said as he pulled James into his arms, for the first time that night being the one to comfort him. James tried to shake his head, but Leon pressed a solid hand against his cheek. “Absolutely nothing. It wasn’t my fault either. Or Hailey’s mom. Or even Hailey and Trina. It was an accident.”
James’ face pressed into Leon’s hand like maybe he was trying to shake his head again, but he didn’t argue out loud.
“I know it was all really scary,” Leon said softly.
“It was…horrible,” James whispered brokenly.
“I know, darlin’. I know. It’s okay to feel whatever you need to feel right now. You can let it out with me. I’m here.”
James made himself even smaller, fitting against Leon’s chest, tucking his head under Leon’s chin, and his tears ran down onto Leon’s pec.
“We’re okay. We’re all okay.”
James cried until it seemed like he had nothing left. His body still twitched and shivered, but slowly, Leon’s chest dried. When it seemed like they were both about ready to pass out, Leon rearranged them so he was on his back and James was curled up against his side.
“Get some sleep, my love,” Leon whispered, because he could say that now, and it seemed like something that needed to be said.
James’ breathing was almost even, but it hitched, and James pressed himself even closer. “Goodnight…Leon.”
Chapter Seven
JAMES
It was probably super pathetic to be crying over a memory book hehadmade himself, but thankfully, no one except Yarmen was there to judge him.
James had woken up at “fuck-thirty,” as Leon liked to call it, and he’d known better than to wake Leon up today of all days. He’d fixed himself cereal, given Yarmen a few treats, and then wandered back into the bedroom.
He’d done a pretty good job the night before of ignoring the baskets where they sat holding vigil in the corner, but this morning his resolve was low, and his self-control was even lower.
So, now he was sitting with his back pressed up against the side of Leon’s dresser, out of sight in case Leon woke up, flipping through the pages he’d painstakingly constructed, crying silent tears. The idea of them staining the pages was macabre, almost poetic, but also right on the edge of absurd.
It wasn’t like it mattered who’d declared their love first. If anything, having Leon say it first should have removed all the stress for James to say it back.
