I hope.
I didn’t have white makeup on me (weird, right?), so I bought some cake donuts covered in icing sugar to pat all over my face and I wet the eyeliner and mascara I’m wearing and smudged it around to make circles. My coat, sophisticated dress, and purse are all stuffed in a bag.
A bang at the toilet door tells me it’s go time.
Oh, by the way, that banging is Calvin, the guy who sold me the costume. He’s sticking around to help me finish dressing and give me pointers so I can go ‘Full Scissorhands’ as he calls it. “Are you all right? You’ve been in there a long time.”
“Great, thanks!” I answer. Taking a deep breath, I unlock the door and shuffle out.
Oh, did I mention this costume restricts movement in the legs? Yeah, Calvin said, “It’s an exact replica of the one Johnny Depp wore in the classic 1990 film featuring one of the most underrated actresses of our time: Winona Ryder.” Except Calvin went one step further with it and had the legs sewn together just under the buttocks so that he wouldn’t break character by taking too big a stride. So at least I can’t run away if I get made…so that’s another thing I’ve got going for me.
No matter. It’ll all be worth it when Pierce and I are living happily ever after…
Calvin looks me up and down, then nods his approval. “Noice. You’ve gone Full Scissorhands. Those cake donuts worked out much better than I thought they would.”
“Thanks,” I say, with a little shrug. “The trick is to dampen your skin first.”
“Really? Good to know if I’m ever in a pinch.”
After affixing the second scissorhand to me, Calvin walks me back to Javits Center, all the while regaling me with little known facts about the film. Apparently, Tim Burton originally wanted Tom Cruise for the role, and according to Calvin, it’s a damn good thing he didn’t get it because there’s no way Tom has the sort of vulnerability Johnny does. Also, Johnny Depp only says 169 words in the entire film. Calvin counted to verify that little fact after he read it online a few years back.
So, this all seems totally normal and not in the least bit scary, right?
“Okay, well, we’re here. I better give this a try,” I say turning to Calvin and holding my hand up to shake his.
He jumps back a little. “Jesus! You can’t shake hands with those things on. In fact, keep your hands down and whatever you do, don’t trip because you could really hurt yourself…or someone else. And if it’s someone else, you willdefinitelyget sued.”
“Or run out of town and into a castle in the hills where I’ll have to live out my days making ice sculptures,” I say with a little chuckle.
He narrows his eyes. “That’s not…it’s a very serious film about isolation and the frailty of the human condition.”
“Sorry, Calvin. You’re absolutely right. I’ll make sure I don’t lift my hands or…trip.” In these ridiculously restrictive leather pants.
Okay, Emma Scissorhands, time to go get your man…
39
A Day in the Life of the King Nerd
Pierce
These are my people. These sad, pathetically lonely 2XFanCon attendees. And I am their equally lonely, pathetic leader. Even though I’m not a virgin. Even though I don’t live in my parents’ basement. Even though I don’t have reptile-filled terrariums lining the walls of my flat, I understand my people and the pain of rejection that we all share.
I wonder if getting a tarantula would ease the pain?
Closing the copy ofBlood WarsI’ve just signed, I hand it to the painfully thin teenager dressed as Matalyx and give him a long, thoughtful look. “I’m thinking of getting a pet. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about tarantulas, would you?”
“Donotget a tarantula. It’s literally impossible to get a girl to come home with you if you tell them you own a giant spider.”
“I could just not mention it…”
Shaking his head, he says, “She’ll see it when she gets there, and believe me, she won’t stay.”
“Oh, fair point, yeah,” I say, nodding.
“Go with an iguana,” he says, authoritatively. “Most girls don’t hate them.”
I wince at the memory of the last iguana I met, then say, “I don’t know. I had a bad experience with an iguana once. What about a gecko?”
