That disappointed expression remained on Braden’s face. “Zack has to decide he’s ready. We can’t force him into rehab. That’s not the way it works.”
I knew he was right but I was irritated, because it felt like he was taking Zack’s side. “Fine.” I stood up and stormed off to the bathroom.
Braden walked toward the doorway where I had just squeezed some Crest on my toothbrush. “So that’s it? You’re done talking?”
“There’s nothing else to talk about. I’m going to bed.” And, with that, I began vigorously scrubbing my teeth, refusing to make eye contact with my fiancé.
Well,if I was going to burn one bridge, why not set them all ablaze? After our show the next day, we headed to Atlanta for the next. We all slept in our bunks and arrived by lunchtime. Mick rousted Zack, who was still in bed, and we all got out to eat at a burger place before sound check. All six of us were seated around a table—Mick, the bus driver, and us four band members—and we remained silent as we scoured the menu.
But I wasn’t hungry.
After we gave the waitress our orders, I decided to let the proverbial cat out of the bag. “I need to make an announcement,” I said, waiting until all eyes were on me.
I could see it on Mick’s face:Oh, God, what now?
Braden’s expression wasn’t much better. At least he had an idea of what I was about to say.
I could have been melodramatic or over the top, but I knew how my bandmates—and our tour manager—werefeeling near the end of this leg. Being on the road was exhausting and here I was piling it on.
So I took a deep breath, willing my voice to stay calm and steady. “I’m leaving Once Upon a Riot. I’ll fulfill my obligations for this tour—the festival this summer and the second leg. But after that, I’m done. Please find another drummer to replace me after that.”
I couldn’t read Cy—not at all—but his face was cool and, well, unreadable. For Cy, though, that wasn’t anything new. Zack, on the other hand, plastered a neutral expression on his face. No, that wasn’t entirely true. He wastryingto do that; instead, it came off asI-don’t-give-a-fuck. He was working hard to keep it there, and I imagined his hangover wasn’t helping.
Braden looked sad…but he’d already known about this.
Mick, though—looking at his face nearly killed me. This man who had become the closest thing I’d ever had to a father (aside from my beloved grandpa) looked like he’d lost his dog. That was just his eyes and I only saw it because I’d known him for so long. Seconds later, he’d moved his mouth so that it was in its standard half-frown position, the main reason why, for so long, I’d just thought he was a grouchy old guy. He managed to ask, “Do you want to share your reasons? Did another band steal you like they tried to with Cy?”
“No. It’s not that. I do love drumming and I’m going to miss it, but that’s not why I’m leaving. I just…wanted you guys to know so you’re not blindsided when I don’t show up for a third leg.” Directly to Zack, I said, “And I don’t want you scrambling to replace me at the last second.”
Cy, of all people, finally spoke up. “Dani…I get you. You don’t have to say why, but I think you know a big part of the reason why I wanted to leave.” His cool dark eyes told me he really did understand.
And it took me back to when Cy was ready to abandon us.Zack had been full of contrition and apologies for our other guitarist, promising to change. But he’d treatedmelike shit, telling me how worthless I was to the band. Just remembering that cemented my resolve.
But Cy nearly dissolved it with his next words. “I stayed because we’re a family…becauseallof you relied on me—not just Zack. And Zack made good on his promise. He let us do a big chunk of the writing for this album,” he started, and I thought to myself,Yeah, because he had writer’s block.“And he went to rehab.”Which he’d already flushed down the toilet.“After this tour, we’re going to have to talk about what’s going on with you,” he said to Zack, “but right now, I’m committed toallof you.”
At first, I felt a sliver of shame, bailing when noble Cy had decided to stick it out—but as soon as I let in all the feelings of what I’d been railing about ever since I’d become a woman, I found my determination. Zack had treated Cy—a man—very differently from the way he had treated me. And, without an apology from him, he could fuck all the way off.
But I wasn’t about to say that.
“Cy, I respect your decision and I was so grateful that you stuck it out. Riot wouldn’t be the same without you. But,” I said, shifting my eyes to Zack, “you guys could hire a monkey to do what I do.”
“What?” Braden almost shouted. Our poor waitress arrived with a tray full of drinks and tried passing them out in the midst of the chaos. We’d have to be sure to give her a good tip.
I had to unclamp my jaw to address my fiancé. “Those aren’t my words.”
He raised his eyebrows and then, very quietly, spoke. Because the waitress was talking—“Who had the Dr. Pepper?”—no one else heard him. “You didn’t tell methat.”
“I know.”
He squeezed my knee, and I knew then that I had his support. Last night, I hadn’t been sure, but now that I’d filled in a little bit more of the picture, he understood.
“Dani, I hope to God you know that’s not true,” Mick said, opening up a sugar packet and pouring it into his glass of iced tea.
I let out another long breath, this time looking at everyoneexceptZack. “I’m not going to debate any of this. I just didn’t want this to be a surprise.” As I unwrapped a straw, I stared at the paper, no longer willing to meet anyone’s eyes. “I love you guys and I hope Riot keeps making amazing music and getting more fans—but you’ll have to do it without me.”
Mick wasn’t satisfied. “You still haven’t saidwhy. Is it because you’ve lost your self-confidence? I can help you with that, kid.”
I couldn’t help but smile at him. “I know. And don’t think I don’t appreciate it. But…if you want the truth, I can’t be around our frontman anymore.”
