At least now I had the satisfaction of knowing that Zackhadloved me all these years. But it did little to salve my wounds.
Still, I knew there was someone else with deeper cuts than I had, and I was going to do my best to make amends. I had no idea what I would say to Braden, only knowing that I needed to say it. It turned out that Roxy had been on hand to comfort my ex-fiancé, with the added bonus of losing Dean in the process.
Back at home the first week of May, I kept picking up my phone before setting it down again, not knowing exactly what I should do—especially because going back to that day in my head made me nauseous.
Imagine how Braden felt.
Trying to put myself in his shoes gave me the courage to do what needed to be done. I considered calling but didn’t want to force myself on him, so I simply sent a text message:Can we talk sometime?
But there was no response.
I kept checking my phone obsessively, but there was no answer. Deep down, I felt like the fate of the band depended upon this meeting—but that wasn’t entirely true.Myfate in the band might hinge on what happened today, but I couldn’t think about it that way.
No matter what, Braden deserved the truth. And, thanks to my conversation with Zack, I’d had to face all the lies I’d been telling not just Braden but myself. Hell, to everyone around me.
I decided to go for a walk to try to get my mind off it, and I wound up half an hour later at the park, after meandering around several blocks, covering the entire length of the town and back again twice before sitting on a swing. The last time I’d been in this park on this exact same swing had to have been at least ten years or more. I remembered hanging out with Ava one summer, and we’d gone to the park lots of times when we’d gotten bored playing at her house. Back then, I couldn’t havepredicted anything about the way my life had gone. All I’d known was that I hadn’t wanted to stay here…and yet here I was.
It all centered around Zack. Had I never met him, none of my life as an adult would have happened. I wouldn’t be a drummer and I sure as hell wouldn’t have broken the heart of the sweetest man I’d ever known, nor would I be hung up on the most damaged man I’d ever known.
But would missing any of that assured my happiness?
I doubted it.
My stomach growled, churning an ocean of acid, and I decided to walk to the other side of town again to the library. Although I’d tried reading earlier to distract myself, maybe all I needed was a book I couldn’t put down—and I knew the librarian, a woman I’d known my whole life, would be able to give me some good recommendations.
Getting up off the swing, I pulled the phone out of my pocket and checked for notifications out of habit.
And there it was…a response from Braden.
It was simple and direct:Okay.
But it was something.
An hour later,my stomach still in knots, I was parking my car at the apartment building where Braden was now living. I’d only ever been here once to drop off boxes of gifts from the bridal shower, and I wondered with a fleeting thought if I should return them.
Of course, Braden had chosen one of Dalton’s newest apartment buildings, one near the Arkansas River, his favorite place in town—so it made sense that he’d want to be able to see the river from the balcony whenever he wanted.
As I approached the building, I touched the doorknob on the outside, hesitating. Letting out another breath, I told myself I had to be strong—for Braden’s sake. He deserved nothing less.
Finally, on the second floor facing his door, I knocked softly. Too softly. Swallowing, I raised my fist again and rapped on the door loud enough that he should have been able to hear, regardless of where he was inside.
Soon, I heard steps approaching and then, moments later, the doorknob turned and I was looking Braden in the eyes for the first time since the night before the wedding. Oh, God, his eyes. It wasn’t that they looked sad, although that was part of it—but it was that he had put up a huge barrier between us. I could see it in his whole face.
Not that I blamed him.
Pulling the door open, he waved me in and I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jeans to hide the way they were shaking. He asked, “Can I get you anything to drink?” Polite as always.
“No, thanks.”
“Do you want to sit?”
“Yeah.” And so I sat on the couch while he took a chair next to it. He’d picked out such nice furniture with the idea that we would be living together here, beginning our lives…and now he was all alone here.
That was why I was here—to own up to my mistakes.
“I, um…I wanted to apologize. What I did to you was shitty and I know it hurt you. I never wanted to…but I realized I couldn’t go through with the marriage. I never should have accepted your proposal knowing I didn’t love you the way you loved me. I lied to myself but, more than that, I lied toyou. You didn’t deserve what I’ve put you through. I can’t take backwhat I’ve done, but I want you to know I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I needed to say it.”
Braden nodded and then looked down at his knees. A huge wave of guilt washed over me again, and I knew I didn’t deserve his forgiveness. I’d betrayed not only Braden, the man I’d loved as a future husband, but also Braden, the friend and bandmate. I knew I at least owed him this much, but there would be no way I could make it up to him. I could spend my lifetime trying and still not be able to.
