“Maybe…maybe that’s because you weren’t yourself. You were always drunk and numb—or drunk and belligerent.”
“Drunk, for sure. But that’s me too, Dani. All of me…I’m the fucking drunk asshole, even deep down inside. And I can never take back all the mean shit I said to you or the unforgiveable shit I put you through. Even like back then, you deserve better.”
I shook my head, having a hard time absorbing it all. “You’re saying you’ve always loved me?”
“Yeah…but I was too immature to know how to handle it. And I started drinking when I was twelve years old—so even when I wasn’t too immature, I was too fucking smashed to know how to cope with any of it. And…” he licked his lips, looking down again. He was quiet for so long, I doubted he was going to continue.
Until he did.
Meeting my eyes once more, I felt like the energy coming off his body was going to knock me over. “What I felt for you—what I still feel for you—is overwhelming and…intense. What I felt for you back then scared the shit out of me, because I knew, even as a kid, that I would have done anything for you. I would have killed a hundred men, robbed all the banks in the world, cut my own wrists, given my life—anything. And that feeling? Those out-of-control emotions that took over my heart and soul? Those scared me more than anything else. Never in my life had I felt anything like that.”
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
“Was I…the reason why you drank?”
“No. I was, uh, in the words of my therapist,predisposed. I don’t think I had a chance. I had to learn the hard way that alcohol needs to be a hard pass or it’ll kill me. I’ve proven that.”
My voice was so soft, I was surprised he could hear it. “Why tell me now?”
“Because…the last few months have been a wake-up call for me. Coming out of my stupor, I knew I’d blown it with you for good. And I was okay with that—in theory. I mean, I could find someone to share my life with. There were plenty of willing girls. Gabi, Ellie…but I was lying to them, just like I was lying to myself.”
“Like me.”
“Yeah. And I had reconciled with you and Braden marrying. I swear I had. When I came to you last night…it was as a friend, not as someone wanting to fuck up your chance at happiness. But you were the only one I could talk to. It’s always been you or Braden, you know? And I fucked up my friendship with you years ago, so I wouldn’t have sought you out last night…except I couldn’t talk to Braden because he was celebrating and doing the one thing I couldn’t do anymore.”
Drinking.Oh…
“You were the only one I could think of. If my mom hadbeen there last night, I might have tried talking to her, but…for the first time in a long time, I felt truly alone. Scared. Overwhelmed. And then, it just kind of happened.”
How many times had Zack and I communicated better through sex than words?
“But then you were a dick this morning before the wedding.”
“Yeah, I was. I…left you before you woke up, feeling like maybe I’d fucked everything up, like I’d made you cheat on Braden. And I had. That hadn’t been my intent, but…” As he blew out a breath, he shook his head. “So I took another walk beside the lake again this morning, trying to clear my head. I knew after last night without a doubt that you didn’t love Braden. I mean, maybe you did in some way, but I knew how you looked when you loved with all your heart, and you weren’t giving that to him. And maybe it wasn’t any of my goddamned business, but I wanted to try to wake you up—kind of like you tried to do with me when you wanted me to go to rehab.”
I let out a long sigh as fresh tears started to fall. I’d thought I was all done, but here they came. Mostly, I felt a heavy regret coursing through my veins for having lived this first part of my life in probably the worst way possible. Zack scooted toward me, still on his knees, and pulled me close. Despite the chilly wind, the warmth of his body radiated through me as I let each tear drop, every single one representing some incident or thought that had caused regret held deep inside.
Answering my unspoken question, he said quietly, “I guess I just needed you to know.”
My tears turned to sobs and he held me as I let it all out for the last time.
CHAPTER 32
After the wedding that didn’t happen, I spent two weeks doing almost nothing. Well, that wasn’t completely true. I knew I needed to do more soul-searching, so, after having a long talk with my mother, I spent the next two weeks with my grandparents. It was far enough away from Nopal and Dalton that I was able to detach and really process all my thoughts and feelings.
And I discovered what I’d actually known all along.
Braden was a good guy—thebestguy a woman could ever want.
But he was not the man for me.
I loved Zachary Ryan with all my heart and soul.
But we could never be.
I could have written a song with lyrics like those—and they rang in my mind much like a tune. Settling on those facts helped me realize what I needed to do.
