Chapter 30
SPENCER
I’d done it. I’d fucking broken her. If any part of Zoe was still in one piece when I’d arrived, that was shot to shit now. Seeing her so upset killed me. What made it worse was the completely overwhelming feeling of being torn in two. On the one hand I wanted to pull Zoe from her funk and get the girl I’d always known back. Forget all this shit had ever happened and get back to life. On the other hand, the silent part of me, the part I’d never confess to Zoe existed, wanted to hunt the bastard down who’d done this and rip him limb from limb.
“Come here, Princess,” I invited, opening my arms wide.
I’d barely finished the sentence before Zoe collapsed heavily against me. I wanted nothing more than to put her back together, but there was something I had to do first. Something I didn’t want to do, but it needed to be done. Knowing didn’t help the fact I felt like a dick for doing it.
With one hand on her hip and the other tangled in her wild mane of hair, I tipped her back and looked into her red-rimmed eyes. Her whole face was enveloped in sadness. Puffy and watery. I couldn’t let that deter me. Calling upon the very little strength I had left, I sucked in a deep, painful breath. After planting an apologetic kiss on Zoe’s closed eyelids, I pushed her back as gently as possibly without letting go.
“Zoe, this is going to suck, but you need to hear it. You’re not okay. I know you’d give anything to go back to how everything was before, but it’s never going to. As much as I wish I it could, we both know it can’t. Now you need to move on. This will eat you alive and destroy everything I love about you if you let it. I’m not going to pretend it’s going to be easy, and I don’t have the answers, but you have to try. I’ll be here, standing beside you as long as you let me. But Zoe, I can’t do this for you. I wish I could. I really do. Right now though, right now you need to do this. You can’t do it for me. Do it for you.”
I breathed.
And it burnt.
It tasted like acid.
It took a moment, but I knew it was coming. In the pit of my stomach I knew she’d pull away. She didn’t just pull away. Zoe wrenched her body from my arms and stumbled backwards, crashing into the forgotten bench behind her. My hands itched to reach out and steady her, but the look of contempt on her face froze me where I stood.
“Get…out,” she spat venomously.
I didn’t want to leave her. Fuck, that was the last thing I wanted.
I slowly took a half step towards Zoe. She cringed. Until that moment I thought nothing would ever hurt me as much as finding her on the road that day, broken and bleeding, but having Zoe, my precious Zoe, shrink away from me was worse. Much fucking worse.
“Okay, Zoe,” I conceded with a heavy heart. “I’ll go. But I’ll be back. As much as you don’t want to hear this right now, and even though I know you hate me, you need to know that I love you. All I want is for you to be happy. I’ll go, but I’m taking my phone, and if you need me for anything?anything at all?just call and I’ll be back here before you know it,” I promised.
With a heavy, pained sigh, Zoe shook her head. “Just go.” She turned and walked away.
I watched her shuffle out of the room and close the bedroom door behind her. For a full moment I stood there surveying the damage. I was standing alone in her kitchen, unfinished breakfast on the plates, a sink full of warm, sudsy water, and when I heard the groan of the bed, I knew Zoe was falling apart. The pained cries destroyed me. I couldn’t be there. I couldn’t stand there, surrounded by torture. I had to get out.
I pulled a shirt over my head, grabbed my wallet and keys, and was out the door before I had time for another thought. I needed time. And space. I needed to beat the crap out of something. Or someone. Faced with no other options, taking it out on myself was all I had. Moments later I found myself changing in the cramped cabin of the truck into running shorts and a pair of sneakers before I took off pounding the pavement.
I had no idea where I was or where I was going, but it didn’t matter. I just needed to run. Run until it burned. The burn would ease the hurt. It didn’t ease. It only got worse. So I pushed harder. Harder than I could remember ever pushing before. Turning the corner onto La Trobe Street, I jogged along the footpath, dodging strangers heavily laden with shopping bags. Weaving in and out of the traffic, slowing at each intersection, I avoided both cars and trams as I made my way up the hill.
By the time I reached the corner, sweat was running down my face and dripping from my nose. My shirt was plastered to my body, hugging me tight. I stunk. Even I knew I did. I was thirsty. Beyond that, I was desperate for a drink. I ducked into the corner convenience store, and grabbed two bottles of water before crossing the road. Ten minutes and one empty bottle later I found myself lying on the grass in the middle of Fitzroy Gardens. For a long time I just laid on my back, staring at the sky, sucking in oxygen, and replaying the argument with Zoe over and over and over again.
I should have found a better way of saying what needed to be said. I still stood by my words, but maybe I’d used the wrong ones. Everything I’d said and done was under review. The sun was high in the sky, but the shade from the trees surrounding me kept the temperature comfortable. People trickled through the park in a steady stream. It took me longer than I’d like to admit before I realised why it was so damn busy and people seemed so over enthusiastic on a Sunday afternoon, but when the answer hit I felt like a fool. People streamed past, thickening with each passing moment all dressed alike. A sea of black and white jumpers, beanies, and flags were intermixed with the black top with a vibrant yellow sash. The football was on this afternoon. In the distance a trumpet started with the familiar Collingwood Football Club song, earning a cheer from the growing swell.
I wanted to go. Sure, I’d seen AFL matches live before, but it had always been at the smaller venues. I’d never seen two of the competition’s heavy weights go head to head at the home of football. A game at the MCG was definitely on the bucket list.
My feet wobbled beneath me. I’d pushed too hard, but I didn’t care. I’d outrun the pain and frustration. If I had to hobble back to Zoe’s on uncooperative legs, so be it. It wasn’t like I was in a hurry. Besides, who knew what I’d be facing when I got there? Or if I’d even be welcome.
Slipping amongst the crowd, I moved slowly, the weight of the world on my shoulders. Reaching the corner, I saw the intimidating structure in front of me. The MCG looked like a damn good place to spend the afternoon basking in the sun. Looking around, it appeared that thousands agreed. From every direction they arrived in waves, all in good spirits and ready to be entertained. I was jealous. Seriously jealous.
Ignoring what I wanted, I decided it was time to face the music. I probably wouldn’t like the tune Zoe was singing, but I owed it to her not to be a coward. It was time to man up. As a maroon tram screeched to a halt at the stop just up ahead, I broke into a run, my muscles screaming in protest as I pushed my way through the throng of people. Fighting my way onto the platform, I squeezed between the doors before they closed with a hiss.
It was crowded like a damn sardine can. A guy who looked like a millionaire compared to me turned his nose up in disgust as he appraised me. Dressed immaculately in an obviously tailored suit with a straight black tie hanging down his chest and a black and white scarf draped dramatically around his neck, he made me feel out of place. Even dressed in my best I couldn’t compete with that. I wouldn’t even try. As acceptance flooded me, a strange question entered my head. Is this what Zoe really wanted? She was a part of this world…is this where she really belonged? Shaking it off as quickly as it appeared, I couldn’t kill the heaviness that had settled over me.
As the tram jolted around the corner and screeched to a stop, I jumped off. I knew there was a closer stop to Zoe’s, but I wasn’t in a rush. Part of me didn’t want to go back at all. That wasn’t a possibility, however. With each step my legs burnt with pain. Fuck, it was going to be hard to walk tomorrow, but it didn’t matter. I needed the pain. Physical pain was easier to deal with than emotional bullshit.
Rounding the corner, I saw her building. If I thought it was hard to walk a minute ago, now I felt like my legs were cased in cement. Or maybe it was my heart. Time seemed to stop. Silence hung in the air, and as I entered the foyer, Henry offered me a strange half smile before shuffling out the door.
Reaching her door, I tried the handle. The sound of relief fell from my lips when I found it locked. At least she was safe. Lifting my shaky hand, I knocked. A moment passed. It felt like a lifetime, and just when I was about to knock again, the door creaked open. My heart sank.
