A small sigh passed through my lips as I remembered one boy at the big house. He had been sad, but didn’t cry like I did. He was ten times braver than I’d ever be able to dream of being. And gosh, he was so torn up inside and out.
I didn’t know what happened to him that night, other than the fact that he pretty much slept for like three days straight. I feared he was going to die there, and no one would ever care about that.
The only thing anyone cared about there was who was going to be the favorite, and I certainly wasn’t going to achieve that title. Nor did I want it. Not if it came with such consequences as being used by so many different men and being marked in ways no human ever should be.
“Will you tell me why you’re crying?”
I halfheartedly wiped away the tears, and looked anywhere but at Sarah. She saw too much, and wanted answers I’d never be able to give.
“You could write it down.”
Yeah, not gonna happen. Whatever I said, or wrote, would be used against me. That’d happened before. It was easier to keep every thought, every reason or explanation to myself. Then, no one could be upset at me for my way of thinking.
Heck, I didn’t even know when the last time I had spoken. Maybe it had been to the boy I had laid curled up next to while he fought to stay alive, but even then it would have been when it was just the two of us alone in the room full of bunk beds.
“You have a number of people who would love to help you, Koda,” Sara went on after a few moments when I didn’t move to reach for the notebook and pen that had been left at the end of my bed.
No one could help me. I was a lost cause. It was better to just let me be. Let me suffer alone.
“So,” Sarah stood from the chair in the corner. “Your aunt will be later, so will a social worker. And of course, the doctor. You have a team of people who will be working on your behalf to choose the best options, the best next steps, for your healing.”
I glanced at her briefly, doubting that anyone wanted me to heal. Physically, sure I guess. That was what all doctors wanted. But mentally? That was a lost hope.
My brain was broken. My freaking soul was broken. Therefore, I was un-healable.
What was a person without a soul? Whatever that was, was what I am.
I turned my gaze away from her, preferring to stare out the window. The blinds were opened, and all I saw was a glare of the sun and brick. Nothing exciting, just like my life.
“It’ll be important to know what you’d like to do, after all the options are laid out.”
I’d go wherever I was told. I knew I didn’t have a choice. I hadn’t this far, so what was the point? Either with my aunt, who may or may not even want me, or to another foster home where I’d be suffering the same fate I’d already been dealt. Or, I’d take my chance and sneak away in the dead of night.
That third option was still looking pretty nice, and would stay there at the edge of my mind. I’d rather do that, to try to find something that would work for me, than go back to where I had come from. I’d rather die, but that wasn’t something anyone would ever know. Not until they found my body at least.
Chapter 5
I couldn’t help but lift my head up, letting the sun shine down upon my face like it was going to be the very last time I’d ever get to feel its heat. For all I knew, it possibly could be.
Getting fresh air, let alone sunlight, had been far and in between. There were a few things that I sought comfort from, and the warmth of the world was one of those things.
Everything around me dimmed as I just sat there, soaking up the moment for as long as possible. The trees and birds behind the thin sheet of glass didn’t make a huge difference to me. The chirping was still heard, which was probably the point of this area. The benches lining the windows helped make it feel like it really was all outside instead of in the middle of a hospital.
If I had known this place was here, that’s where I’d surely have spent the last few hours instead of in the room and trying to keep the thoughts of the past and future from weighing me down.
The man who had introduced himself as my social worker for the time being shifted, causing his pants to rub against the plastic seating.
Mentally, I grumbled at him for interrupting my moment. Instead, I kept myeyes closed and my chin lifted high. I didn’t care how stupid I looked to others. I’d gladly sleep in this area, if it were an option.
When the man cleared his throat, I slowly dropped my chin and pulled my knees up to my chest with my arms wrapped around them. It was easy to try to make myself feel as small as possible.
I wondered why it couldn’t have been a female who was assigned to me. Sarah was supposed to be here, too, darn it.She had said she’d be here. Of course, the logical part of my brain let me know she had other places to be, other people to help. Maybe even people who really did need assistance.
I loathed being alone with yet another man. It’d been a couple of days of no males near me, and I wanted that to last just a bit longer. Females were at least safe.
“Koda,” he said my name like he was in a hurry and I was just another issue he wanted to push under the rug. Which wasn’t all that surprising. “I understand you haven’t talked since you were admitted. So I’ll make this quick and as painless as possible before your….aunt…shows up.” The way he spoke about my so-called aunt instantly put me on edge. “Without knowing where you came from, or the amount of abuse, your road to recovery isn’t going to be easy, let alone possible.”
“Excuse me?”
