Little did either of them know, there was a lot that I feared at the moment.
“I want to be what heneeds.”
“And what would that be?” He cocked his head to the side, eyes searching, uncertain.
“He needs pain to function. That’s why he goes to Destri. And, I can’t explain it, but I don’t like the idea of that anymore.”
“Let me make sure I’m getting this right––” He licked his lips before continuing. “You want to be in control of a flogger, or cane, whatever it is he needs pain-wise? Like a Dom?”
“Not a Dom,” I stated, shaking my head. “I don’t like being bossy. But the rest of it…yeah. I guess that’s the best way to say it.” Control wasn’t the word I would have chosen, but it was the only one that made sense at the moment. “I have this irrational need to be the one that helps him. With everything. And–well, it scares me, Eli. I honestly don’t know if I can hurt him.”
Zeek had been very vocal about that physical need for pain and how he couldn’t really live without it. Which meant, if I wanted to be the one to give him what he needed, I had to find a way to grant him the pain he so desperately desired.
“What do you think Zeek would see that as?”
“I honestly have no clue.” My shoulders slumped in defeat. “That’s another fear I can add to the ever-growing list. He said he could never ask that of me, but it feels like that’s what I should do, you know? After everything he did for me, it’s my turn to take care of him.”
“I think perhaps you should talk to Zeek about it. He’s the only one that will be able to give you the answer you seek. I don’t know him well enough to try and sway you one way or the other.”
“I know.”
It was after dinnertime a couple days later that we arrived back at my dark, empty apartment. After spending a week and a half with Eli, I felt lonely, tired, and I wasn’t in the best of moods. Which Eli happily pointed out before strongly suggesting I go to bed early.
He needn’t worry about that because I planned to fall into bed as soon as I ordered take out, ate, and took a shower. I debated for half a second about tracking Zeek down, but quickly decided against it. I figured I’d be able to find him tomorrow evening at the club.
The last time we’d talked, which was the night before, Zeek mentioned in passing that he was meeting up with Destri. I don’t think he meant for me to meet him there. Especially since I was supposed to be out of town for another few days and I hadn’t given him any inclination of when I’d be back. Partly because I wasn’t even sure myself.
However, when Eli told me we were coming back early, I thought it might be fun to surprise him. I mean, Zeek didn’t exactly seem like the type of person that was very easily surprised these days.
While being held captive together, Zeek had been the unshakable one. He was the one that was always there to lend his shoulder for me to shed my tears on. He was the only one that could calm me, keeping me from passing out when the panic became too much. But most of all, Zeek was my rock.
Now, it was my turn to be his.
I didn’t care what it took, I was determined to do whatever needed to be done in order to be the one that could hold him up. If that didn’t show the depth of my feelings for the man that had once been a stranger to me, then I didn’t know what would.
Ezekiel
Another week had passed without Judah, a few text messages our only form of communication. Mostly, on my end. I didn’t mean to do it–I didn’t even realize it had been done–until the walls I once used to protect myself had been erected once again. I found it was much easier to mentally shove Judah back into the marked box that contained all of the people I had failed in my life when he wasn’t close by.
We’d both been through so much and we were both still hurting. And we likely would be forever, whether we were together or apart.
The scariest part was that I could actually see the two of us being so much more. My heart wanted to let my head, damaged as it was, to fall for Judah. I knew how easy it would be to step over that line. But I couldn’t allow myself to do it, no matter how much I wanted just that.
I was a messed-up piece of work. And Judah––well, he was healing. He was becoming the man he was meant to be all along. He was turning into the person he’d have been if his world hadn’t been turned upside down.
For the first time, probably ever, Judah had friends who truly cared about his well-being. He had a man in his life that would drop everything in order to help him.
A man who was ten times better than me.
I didn’t want to drag him down to where I would no doubt end up. Hell still kept calling my name and I knew it was only a matter of time before I succumbed to the voices that plagued my shattered mind.
“Things not work out with the kid?” Theo asked from around a sip of his beer as I wiped down the bar in front of him.
Apparently, my boss didn’t care that I’d “had an emotional day,” because I was “entitled to them.” His words, not mine. So, I picked back up where I’d left off when I walked out on the job. Normally, this place helped to keep my mind busy. But not tonight. Tonight, all my thoughts were focused on Judah and the train wreck my life had become.
“It went fine.”How much information does he have on that? Do I even want to know?I wondered momentarily.Nope, I don’t.
“Then explain to me why you look like someone just ran over your puppy.”
