“It makes sense that you feel that way about someone you were held captive with for weeks. It’s perfectly normal.” She placed her hand on my cheek. It was clear that she didn’t understand just how deep my feelings for him ran. They were a part of me; had been since we were in that small cell together. I just didn’t know what to call whatever Judah and I had until now when the word popped into my head.
Love.
“Having him back in your life may awake certain…feelings…which can be explained.”
“They don’t need to be, Mom.” I gave her a small smile. For the first time in a while, I felt a bit more settled. “I need him as much as I need my next breath. I didn’t understand it myself, but I think now I do.”God, if only I’d known sooner. It could have made things so much easier.
“Let me ask you, does he feel the same way?”
That, I had no fucking clue about. Instead of answering, I gave a half shrug. “He’s out of town with a friend for a few weeks.”
“Oh, my sweet boy.” She pulled me into yet another bone crushing hug. “Be careful. That’s all I ask.”
“What?”
She sighed, pulling back to look at me. This time, she was looking at me like I was the crazy one. Which to be fair, I guess at the moment I was. I was certainly going crazy in my mind, and everything else around me was following. My emotions were all over the fucking place and I had no clue what to do about it.
I was just grateful that Dannie wasn’t home because it would have made a complicated situation that much more complicated. I mean, how the hell was I supposed to explain the hot mess that I’d become to him?
“Why don’t you go on up to the guest room and take a nap, dear,” Mom suggested with a light pat on my cheek. “You look tired. I’m sure after you’ve gotten some rest things will look better.”
I wanted that to be the case, but I highly doubted it would be. I had no clue what to do, or where to go from here. Admitting I had feelings for someone after vowing that it would never happen was coming back to bite me in the ass.
“Why is life so complicated?” I groaned, scrubbing my face with my hands.
“What is life if it’s not complicated?”
Judah
Being away from Zeek was more difficult than I could have ever anticipated. I felt like something was missing the entire time I was travelling. It was the same feeling that had filled my entire being for years. Over time, I learned to fill it with other things. Like a band aid, those things only worked for a few weeks. If I were lucky. However, since finding him again, I hadn’t had that overwhelming sense of unease.
Until now.
“You okay?” Eli asked, setting his bag down on a nearby chair after closing the hotel room’s door.
“Oh, yeah.” I dropped my hand from my chest, having not noticed that I’d been absentmindedly rubbing away. Again. I hated this hollow feeling. It felt like I was doing something I shouldn’t be doing, even though I knew I wasn’t.
“If you say so,” he hedged, toeing off his shoes by the end of his bed. “We’ll be heading back in a couple of days.”
I gave a nod his way.
When Eli first offered to let me tag along on his trip to New York City, I jumped at the chance. I’d never been there before and the possibility was exciting. But now that I was here, I was more than ready to go back home.
As it turned out, the busy, never sleeping, city was not at all for me. There were too many people, too many noises, and it smelled horrible––thanks in part to the large number of homeless people who called the alleyways their home.
Eli’s job took him out of our home state of Missouri a couple of times a year. I suppose being a traveling agent had its perks. But it also had its downfalls. Eli didn’t really mind because that meant he got the opportunity to work from wherever he wanted while also seeing the country.
Since he’d taken me under his wing, Eli had offered for me to tag along on a number of occasions. The last few times I’d agreed, I’d enjoyed the places we’d gone. This time, however, I wasn’t enjoying anything. The only thing I could think about was Zeek and when we were going to be home.
“What’s on your mind, Judes?” Eli took a seat on the chair that sat next to the bed I had claimed.
“It’s annoying how you can do that,” I grumbled, glaring at him. After a moment, the words fell from my lips without effort. “Am I being stupid? With Zeek, I mean. Am I overstepping the lines?” I groaned. “I don’t know what to do, Eli. I thought maybe having a little time apart would do not just me, but him, some good. But when I talked to him earlier, he seemed down.”
“He could have been tired, Judes,” he soothed. “You care, which is understandable.”
“I think I care too much. He’s…I….”
“You shared a special bond.” His voice was low, but I knew he was right. Zeek and I did share something that wasn’t easily explained. “And from what I do know about him, he’d tell you if you were overstepping. He’s a big boy, Judah. Zeek can handle whatever it is you fear.”
