Ezekiel
“W
ell, this is a nice surprise.” Mom pulled me into a tight hug, her hands on my shoulders. My mom may have been a good head shorter than me, but that didn’t stop her from seeing more than what was on the surface. Taking a step back, she ushered me inside. “Come on in. I’ll get us a cup of coffee.”
I’m sure I looked like hell right about now, but I didn’t particularly care. I was going on a full twenty-four hours with no sleep, which wasn’t really anything new these days, but I felt like my entire world was falling apart around me.
Again.
And, unfortunately, there was only so much more I could take before I broke. What that meant for me, I couldn’t be sure.
By the time I’d taken my seat at the counter, the machine my mom had fallen in love with had finished brewing. It was a nice thing to have for those of us who don’t particularly like to wait.
I wrapped both hands around the white mug as Mom moved to stand just on the other side of the island. “Tell me what has you so upset? I haven’t seen you this sad for a while.”
Over the years, I had gotten good at pretending. Today, I just wasn’t up to it. Of course, I didn’t dare tell her that. It was much easier on everyone if I just let them believe that I was okay. If they knew otherwise, they would be more worried about me. And that was the last thing I needed to worry about.
“I’m just tired, Ma. I’m tired of life. Why can’t things just be easy?”
“Oh, honey.” Before I knew it, she had her arms wrapped around me, my head squished against her chest. Closing my eyes, I sighed. Mom hugs were always the best for making you feel better. And I wasn’t ashamed to admit that I was a momma’s boy. Or, I had been.
“It’s just a bad day. It’ll get better, sweetie.”
“It’s been hell for years, Ma.”
My words caused her to pull back, her kind, light eyes taking me in. For the first time since I’d returned, she saw me for what I was. I could see her eyes were clouded in tears, but she refused to let them fall.
“You’re still here, Ezekiel. And that’s what counts.” She paused for a moment, carefully weighing her next words. “I’m your mother, you know. I’ve always seen more than you would like me to see. More than youthinkI see.”
Like any normal child, I rolled my eyes.
“It’s true. I know things haven’t exactly been easy since you were rescued. We’ve all been through the ringer. But we’re all still together, and that’s what’s important. Honey, I wish I could fix things for you. I really do. I just don’t have any clue where to start. And even if I did, you haven’t let me in to do so. I’ve tried, but I can’t seem to get past that wall you’ve erected in order to protect yourself.”
“Mom….” Before I could even attempt to explain, her arms were back around me. It was then that my tears fell.
I was so tired. Tired of trying. Tired of pretending. Tired of being strong.
I was weak, pathetic, and heartbroken. Not to mention, confused as all hell.
A sob bubbled forth as reality slammed into me. My sudden realization about what I was feeling only amplified it.How is it even possible that my heart could be cracked wide open by a person?And why am I so tethered to him anyway?It didn’t make sense. Nothing did.
By the time I’d managed to pull myself together, I was even more tired. If that were even possible.
“Tell me what you’re thinking, son.”
“I’m a screwed-up mess.” My dark laugh caused my mom to look at me in concern. “I think I’m heartbroken.”
“Okay. Understandable.”
“No, you don’t get it….” She stepped back and handed me a tissue so that I could blow my nose. “That boy I was held with….” I waited for her to nod.
Mom knew the gist of who he was–not necessarily his name–but since my return to the land of the living, I refused to talk to her about much of anything I’d gone through. Every time I did, I could see the hurt shining through her fake façade.
“I think I like him. Like…reallylike him.”
“I guess I don’t understand.” She squinted at me, trying to read between the lines. “Is this your way of telling me you’re gay?”
I shook my head. “No, but there’s something that only he makes me feel. He has my heart, Mom. And I’m so screwed because I don’t know what to do about it. And to make matters worse, he left with another guy. I don’t think he knows how I feel…I mean, how could he? I didn’t even know how I felt until just now.”
