“If you ask me, I think he needs you as much as you need him. Not that you’d ever admit that you need someone. Jude, if you had seen him,” he paused, shaking his head in sadness. “I know there’s no way you would have let him run away looking like he did. Like his entire world was crashing down around him.”
“My world already has,” I stated matter of fact, the words whispered, broken.
“Judah––” For once, Eli didn’t know what to say.
“Eli, my world fell apart when I was taken. Nothing can fix that. Can’t you see? I have nothing left. My entire world changed that day and it’ll never be the same. You’re the only one I have left, the only one who wants me. And you’d probably be better off without me, too.”
“You have no idea how badly I want to shake some sense into you,” he grumbled. “Here––” he pulled out his phone and slid it across the table after pulling up his pictures. “See for yourself. He’s losing, Judah. He’s given up.”
Oh my god.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. In the few short weeks since I’d last seen Zeek, he appeared to have lost a considerable amount weight. Of course, I knew I didn’t look any better. The pants that I was currently wearing were a size too big and I hadn’t been sleeping well.
“I–I don’t know what to do,” I stammered.
“Judah, get your shit together so that you can help someone who obviously means a lot to you and could really use your help. That is what needs to happen. If not…” his words trailed off. He didn’t need to say anything more.
Deep down, I believe Eli and I both knew that if Zeek killed himself, I would soon follow. For reasons I couldn’t understand, my heart appeared tied to him. But that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that there was nothing I could do about it. Believe me, I tried to break the bond, but nothing worked.
Would he feel the same if I were to off myself? Would Zeek follow me? Would he even care?
“I don’t think I can, Eli.”
“Yes, you can.” His voice lowered and he bent his head until I was looking at him. “Only you have the power to get through it. Don’t let your past weigh you down. You’re better than that, Judah. God, you are so much more than you give yourself credit for. And this man,” he tapped his phone, “he needs you. I tried to talk to him, but it got me nowhere. I’m not what he needs. I’m notwhohe needs. That is a job for you and you alone.”
Could I actually fight my demons and be the man that I needed to be in order to help save the life of another? And even if I could, would my help be accepted?
All I knew for sure was that I was tired and I couldn’t do it alone. Something had to give because I didn’t know how much more I could take. I feared that if I didn’t catch a break, I would drown and no one would be able to help me pick up the pieces.
“Help me?” I choked.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way, sweetheart.” Eli stood up and pulled me into a tight hug, my head resting on his shoulder. “I’ll help keep your head above the rising water while you make those therapist appointments.”
Ezekiel
Day after day, I did the same thing I’d done the day before that. I climbed out of bed from an almost sleepless night. What little sleep I did manage was filled with nightmares that I couldn’t shake. Once awake, I drank my coffee and took a shower if my pits smelled. When I’d finished that, I cleaned the house from top to bottom and tried not to make my family worry, even though I was most definitely a lost cause. Whether they knew it or not.
After my recent breakdown, Theo began coming to the house twice a day–morning and evening–to check on me. At noon, he’d call and make sure I didn’t need anything and that I was doing okay. I knew he meant well, but I just wanted to be left alone. My very soul cried out for everyone to just let me be.
Ironically, since my breakdown, I’d felt more like myself. While I still felt on edge and ready to break at a moment's notice, I was…okay. At least as good as I could be given the current circumstances.
Mistress Destri had called almost constantly since that night at the bar. Of course, I ignored every one of them, opting to shut off my phone instead. It wasn’t entirely surprising that she was worried about me, but I saw no point in answering if our contract had been terminated. Besides, I had nothing to say to her. The only reason I even went to her was to get the pain I needed, the pain I deserved. And since that wasn’t happening anymore, I was left to find someone else.
Speak of the devil,I thought as my cell phone began to ring and Mistress Destri’s name flashed across the screen. Like all of the times before, I simply shut off my phone completely and pretended I never saw her call.
I didn’t need her. I didn’t need anyone.
It was so tempting to just pack the essentials and leave the state. I would never have to look back or worry about what my family wanted from me. As long as I kept in touch, allowing the time between check-ins to grow longer and longer, they would forget about me in time. It’d be so easy. I just drift off and easily disappear into the world.
No longer would I be a burden to my family. No longer would they feel the need to keep an eye on me day in and day out. They would be free. And so would I. They may not think so at first, but they would be okay, probably even happier.
Blinking into the sun, the feel of the warm afternoon breeze kissing my cheeks helped to pull me back to the present. Who was I kidding? Even though I could disappear into the world, I knew I’d never do it. My mom wouldn’t survive if I disappeared again. She wasn’t nearly as tough as she looked. Ever since my return, she looked at me like I was a flight risk–as though I’d vanish at any moment. I couldn’t dream of causing her that kind of pain again. Not voluntarily.
Dropping my chin to my chest, I took a deep breath.
I was stuck, lost and confused.
I lifted my head and ran a hand over my face with a sigh. I was bored, antsy, and tired. Certainly not the greatest combination. I needed to do something in order to get my mind off of my other needs.
