Tears sprang from my eyes, spilling down my cheeks as I gasped and choked for my next breath. I was done–done fighting, done trying. I had no fight left in me. It was over.
“Oh, Zeek.” I didn’t flinch when my brother’s voice cut through the fog in my mind. Truth be told, I wasn’t entirely surprised he’d come to my rescue. After all, he was the one they normally called if I had any issues.
Theo quickly pulled me to my feet, my legs wobbling unsteadily beneath me. Without hesitation, he scooped me up into his arms and carried me to his truck. Everything around me was unfocused and I could no longer think clearly. Yet, somehow, despite my overwhelmed mental faculties, I remained in the present enough that I was aware someone else was there, helping my brother get me into his truck. Through the mental haze I could hear them talking, but their words were muffled and nothing they said made any sense.
Eyes closed, I leaned my head back against the seat while fighting to keep my breathing even and my mind blank. I knew given my current state of mind that it wouldn’t take much for me to spiral out of control and do something that I wouldn’t be able to take back.
I was on the ledge, ready to jump. All I needed was a push.
Judah
Iwas so tired of the nightmares–the memories–whatever you wanted to call them. The past few nights, I’d woken up covered in sweat, calling out for a man that would never be coming to soothe my frazzled nerves. Sadly, there was nothing that could be done about it except suffer silently in hopes that one of these nights, something would change.
By the time I’d finished taking a shower and brushing my teeth I was feeling a tiny bit more human. Stepping out of the bedroom, I wasn’t entirely surprised to find Eli in the kitchen, his lean body sitting at my table. When he looked up at me, my stomach turned at the sight of his disappointment.
“I––” I began, but he held up his hand, immediately cutting me off.
“Sit. Eat. We’ll talk after you’ve finished,” he instructed, his voice low and demanding.
I gulped.
“Just put me away, Eli. Get it done and over with.” At least at the mental ward, even though I’d have to talk to strangers, I wouldn’t have to feel. The drugs they gave patients would block it all out for a few hours at a time. Which was far better than having to feel everything. I’d rather be empty than be overwhelmed by all the emotions I was feeling on a daily basis.
“Will that really help, Judah? It certainly didn’t the last time.” The way he asked made it seem like he really wanted to know. And unfortunately, I didn’t have an answer for him. So rather than try to lie, I simply shrugged before pulling out a chair and sitting down heavily.
“I can’t help you if you won’t let me in.” Eli’s voice was almost pleading.
I lifted my watery eyes to his as I took a bite of the toast he’d set on the table for me. The sad truth was that I didn’t know how to let others in. I’d become so accustomed to pushing people away, that it had become second-nature.
“What do you need, Judes? What can I do to make you less zombie-like, on the edge of a mental breakdown?” He sighed. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself.”
“Why not? I have no one, Eli.” The words were out of my mouth before I could even stop them.
“You have me, Judes,” he muttered, the hurt evident in his voice. “And there’s someone else that needs you even more than I do.”
I looked at him in confusion.Who the hell could possibly need me?
“Ezekiel,” he said, as if reading my thoughts.
“Who?”
“Zeek. The guy you’ve been hung up on for years.”
“Oh––”Why would he think Zeek needed me? He didn’t need me.
“You both need each other. God, Judah….” Eli dropped his head to his hands, his voice cracking. “I can’t lose you. Please––just….”
Do what? I had nothing left to live for.
Eli sighed. “I saw Zeek last night. At the bar. He’s not doing well.”
My heart hurt hearing those words, but I somehow managed to keep my face blank. I attempted to distract myself by taking a massive bite of the cold toast that sat on the plate in front of me.
I can’t care. I shouldn’t care.
“He’s slowly killing himself, just like you.”
Well, aren’t we just a lovely pair of strangers?I mentally mocked.
